APRIL 17 SWEDISH SONGWRITER MAX MARTIN STRIKES GOLD AGAIN

APRIL 17 SWEDISH SONGWRITER MAX MARTIN STRIKES GOLD AGAIN

This week, the hit song "22" by American Pop Star TAYLOR SWIFT broke into the Billboard Top Ten.  The track is the country star's Ninth Top Ten song...impressive.  However, this blog is not about Taylor Swift.  (Let's face it:  Every one's favorite promiscuous blond starlet already gets enough press!)  Nope, this blog is about MAX MARTIN, the songwriter who wrote the song.  "22"  is Max's 43rd Top Ten hit, which will place the Pop Svengali as the Second Most Sucessful songwriter of all time.  This puts him above Bruce Springsteen who is now at #3.  Sorry...Max...but the Beatles will always be #1!

Never heard of MAX MARTIN?  Don't worry, he wants it that way.  The reclusive songwriting genius lives in seclusion somewhere near Stockholm, Sweden.  His waterfront mansion includes an elaborate recording studio.  However, not just anyone can work at Maratone Studios.  You already have to be a star.  And you need lots of cash.  And, you have to travel to Sweden to work with Max...he will not come to you.  Don't believe us?  Just ask Kelly Clarkson.  Three years after winning American Idol, her sagging singing career needed a boost.  Hello, Max! Kelly went to Sweden and recorded 'Since U Been Gone.'  The song went to #2 on the charts and has become his her signature song.    Other washed-up stars who came to Sweden for "career pick me-ups" include Britney Spears, P!NK and Justin Beiber.

However, it wasn't always this easy for Max.  Born Martin Karl Sandberg in 1971, he grew up idolizing ABBA and dropped out of high school to become a rock star.  Unfortunately, his glam-rock-techno band sputtered in live performances.  However, the catchy melodies of the songs caught the ears of recording executive Denniz Pop (not his real name).   The head of Cheiron Studios had just launched pop band Ace of Base into superstardom and needed more songwriters.  The two really hit it off.  For the next decade, the Stockholm studio became a pop music factory, churning out hit after hit.  In 1999, Britney Spears recorded '...Baby One More Time' and the Backstreet Boys sang 'I Want It That Way."  Both hit #1 and are Pop Music classics.

Katy Perry & Ke$ha would be nothing without Max.

And while Max tries to keep his name out of the headlines, he can't hide from one group: The American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers (ASCAP).  They have awarded Max their highest award: "Songwriter of the Year." an astounding  five times.  Simply put, Max knows how to write a #1 smash.  In 2008, he began collaborating with then-unknown singer KATY PERRY.  Together, they've penned a whopping seven #1 hits on the Billboard Singles Charts.  (That's as many as the Rolling Stones have!)   And don't look for Max to slow down any time soon.  He continues to search for the amazing musical hook that gets fans excited.  Said Martin:  "If they hear it once on the radio, I want them to like it immediately... it's the piano and 'oh, baby, baby'...that's what grabs you."

Number One Singles:

"...Baby One More Time" Britney Spears
"It's Gonna Be Me"  *NCYNC
"I Kissed a Girl"  Katy Perry
"So What"  PINK
"My Life Would Suck Without You"  Kelly Clarkson
"3"  Britney Spears
"Raise Your Glass"  PINK
"California Gurls"  Katy Perry
"Teenage Dream"   Katy Perry
"Hold It Against Me" Britney Spears
"E.T."  Katy Perry
"Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" Katy Perry
"Part Of Me" Katy Perry
"We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"  Taylor Swift
"One More Night"  Maroon 5

APRIL 9 SAMOA AIR CHARGES PASSENGERS BY WEIGHT

APRIL 9 SAMOA AIR CHARGES PASSENGERS BY WEIGHT

This week's news item that you might have missed comes to us from far-off Polynesia.  Samoa, to be exact...an island chain found halfway between Hawaii and New Zealand.  While the islands may be remote, they still cannot hide from the Global Economic Crisis.  Specifically, skyrocketing jet fuel costs threatened to bankrupt tiny Samoa Air.  Just how small is Samoa Air?  Their total fleet consists of a mere five planes.  They serve ten destinations in Samoa, American Samoa, North Tonga and the Cook Islands.  In summary, Samoa Air is one of the smallest airlines on earth. 

However, an announcement last week by Samoa Air CEO Chris Langton instantly catapulted the isolated company into an international sensation.  How?   By being the first airline ever to base all fares on an individual's weight.  Confused?  Here's how it works: When you arrive for your flight at Apia International Airport, things start off normal.  First, you present your passport to authorities. Next, you head to the check-in counter to process the ticket, check in your luggage, etc.  Then, things get different. You must climb onto a giant scale.  Afterward, your fare is calculated using a simple multiplication.  Next, you swipe the credit card and pay for the adjusted fare.  Finally, you go through security and proceed to the gate.

Okay, Okay...let's try to answer some of your many questions.  We'll start with the nitty-gritty of the calculations.  Samoa Air charges 2.40 Tala per kilogram...which in American...converts to about .90 cents per pound.  This means a 190 LBS person with a 35 LB suitcase (luggage is charged the same rate) would pay about $145 to fly on their main route from Apia to Pago Pago.  However, let's say you're big-boned and weigh 295 LBS.  Instantly, that same seat now costs $205 for the same flight.  Also: Children 12 years and under are charged a standard fare...possibly to discourage Samoans from starving kids prior to a flight.  Get it?

Naturally, people worldwide don't "get it" and are understandably angry over Samoa Air and their new policy.  A blogger in the UK called it "derogatory to humans."  Similarly, a column Dallas Morning News referred to weight-based pricing as "insulting to large people everywhere."  For the time being, citizens of Samoa are approaching the fares with mixed emotions.  "It is inevitable" said Apia resident Mitieli Lacalevu.  "Samoans understand that everything comes down to net profit."  Samoans also understand they live in the fourth most obese nation on earth...with a staggering 86% of the population being overweight.  Simple math will tell you: Weight-Based Pricing was the only way possible for the airline to stay in business.

How has Samoa Air responded to all the criticism?  "After the initial shock wore off, there's been nothing but support," replied the company's CEO Chris Langston. "Our planes are run by weight, not by seat. Travelers need to be educated."  Let's educate ourselves about the airplanes used by the airline.  The Cessna 172 is tiny and holds only five passengers and the pilot.  (NOTE: That's the same plane that was overloaded by pop star Aaliyah ten years ago with tragic consequences.)  Hence, people have always been weighed prior to takeoff.  This is not done to embarrass them, but to save their lives.  We here at the DUNER BLOG salute you, Samoa Air, for having the courage to address the real issues facing your business in a frank and practical manner.  

APRIL 3 NORTH KOREA DECLARES WAR ON EVERYONE

APRIL 3 NORTH KOREA DECLARES WAR ON EVERYONE

Our mission at the DUNER BLOG is keep you informed on "stories you might have missed."  And while no informed world citizen has failed to notice NORTH KOREA's recent antics, there has been sooo many recently, we felt the need to summarize.   Let's check out the People's Republic of North Korea's shenanigans this year so far...

February 12. Underground Nuclear Test.  On this day, an army spokesman proudly announced to a skeptical world that North Korea had successfully completed another nuclear test.  Seconds later, scientists at the USGS conducted research.  They confirmed the occurrence of  a 4.9 earthquake in North Korea on the same date.  The epicenter was only a kilometer below the surface...another piece of evidence that it was likely a bomb.  However, we don't know for sure if it was a nuclear blast or just a bunch of TNT to simulate one.  So far, no traces of radiation have been found in neighboring nations.  However, what makes this test unnerving is that North Korea said it was a miniature devise...one that can me mounted on a missile and sent to the USA or Japan.

February 26.  Dennis Rodman Visits.  When Kim Jong Un became "Dear Leader" back in 2011, only one foreign Head of State agreed to meet him: China's President Hu.  This worldwide disrespect angered the dictator, who desperately needs attention.  He kept asking presidents, prime minsters, dictators and despots...and kept getting rejected.  Finally someone important agreed to visit North Korea!  Unfortunately is was insane basketball star Dennis Rodman.  For three days, the pair watched a hoops tournament, ate caviar and drank champagne.

March 14.  Assasination Attempt.  Last month, the South Korean Secret Service issued a troubling statement.   According to their agents, a violent gun-battle involving Kim Jong Un's motorcade occured on the streets of the capital.  They assumed it is connected to the recent abrupt dismissal of a high military official, Kim Jong Chul.  This enraged his supporters...which is not smart ...especially considering that in North Korea, the army generals are the only ones in the country who have access to firearms.   Naturally, Kim Jung Un denied everything.

March 26. B-2 Bombers Come To Korea.  Every year, the USA and South Korea conduct joint military operations in March.  See...much like sports teams...armies practice to be prepared for the main event.  However, this year's scrimmage was decidedly different.  Just to show Kim Jong Un who is boss, the U.S. Air Force brought along...for the first time ever... their star player: The B-2 Bomber.  The stealth bomber is undetectable to radar and can fly around the world without refueling.

April 2.  Jong Un Declares War.  Infuriated by the US government's overt display of force, Kim Jong Un responded in his favorite manner: Violent Threats.  Specifically, he announced a nuclear attack on Korea, Japan and the USA, the "sworn enemy of the Korean people."  Military expects have softened nerves by reminding us about the many failures of North Korea. For example, their last nuclear rocket crashed unceremoniously into the Sea of Japan.  For the time being, we here at the DUNER BLOG believe the Dear Leader's bark is much worse that his bite.

NOTE: While conducting research for this blog, we came across the Korean Central News Agency's (KCNA) hilarious website. It has great stories like "Man steals yacht.  Sails to North Korea to Live in Paradise."

 http://www.dailynk.com/english/

MARCH 26 THE CYPRUS GOVERNMENT IS STEALING YOUR MONEY

MARCH 26 THE CYPRUS GOVERNMENT IS STEALING YOUR MONEY

Tomorrow morning, when the banks open in Cyprus, there is going to be furious anger.  When customers access their accounts, they will notice their balances are smaller.  For the first time ever, a government has decided to solve financial problems by taking money from private citizens without their consent.  Why has Cyprus gone crazy?  C'mon, you know why!  To advert another financial crisis, that's why.   Simply put, the only money left on the Mediterranean island is cash in people's saving accounts.  Tomorrow morning, government officials are going into people's savings accounts and will remove funds.  This is soooo confusing.  My parents always told me:  Be smart and safe.  Put your money in a bank!

Alright..let's look at the specifics of the first ever Bank Bail-In.  It all starts with Angela Merkel, the Supreme Financial Commander of Europe.  She determined the exact amount of cash Cyprus needs to find to avoid bankruptcy: €10 billion.  The reach this sum, government officials divided this figure by the total amount in all saving accounts and came up with the following figures:  Accounts with a balance over €100,000 will have 9.9% of their cash seized.  People with smaller balances than this will have 6.75% taken.  This will instantly be injected back into the same banks to keep them from going bankrupt.

So you're asking yourself...why doesn't everyone in Cyprus simply withdrawl all their money before the government steals it?  Duh!  The government already thought about that.  For the last ten days, all banks, branches and ATMs have been shut down.  In addition, it is impossible to transfer or wire any money off the island.   Your next question:  Won't the people start burning buildings down when the government steals their money tomorrow?   Let's hope not.  However, to insure riots don't erupt tomorrow, extra police have been dispatched in all major cities.

However...believe it or not...the Cyprus government isn't overly concerned about anarchy engulfing the island.   Why?  Because the majority of the money in Cypriot Banks does not belong to Cypriot citizens.  Nope, it's estimated about 70% of the money deposited in Nicosia banks is actually  Rubles from Russian and Ukrainian oligarchs.  Wealthy gangsters love off-shore banks for their lack of questions and friendly service.  Naturally, Angela Merkel knows this and is thus able to justify her unthinkable actions.  According to The Merk, if you deposited money in an obviously unsafe bank, it's time for you to be punished for being naive!

In summary, people worldwide will snicker at these silly events on a remote and forgotten island and go on with their day.  However, we here at the DUNER BLOG want you to stop and think for a minute.  There is a serious precedent being set tomorrow that cannot be tolerated.  Governments should never be allowed to tapper with private citizen's money.  The fact that the money is from Russian mobsters is immaterial.  Cyprus needs to be stopped before other governments start solving their financial crises the same way.   

MARCH 19 LET'S MEET POPE FRANCIS!

MARCH 19 LET'S MEET POPE FRANCIS!

You asked for it…You got it! People from all over the world want to meet the New Pope! We here at the DUNER BLOG has assembled ten vital statistics about everyone’s favorite New Kid on the Block, Francis the First.  Let's get started...

HIS NAME. We can’t find any information on why Mr. and Mrs. Bergoglio named him Jorge (George) although his middle name, Mario, is the same as his father. Jorge chose Francis as his papal name to honor St. Francis Assisi, founder of the Jesuits and one of the most venerated religious figures of all time. NOTE:  Our favorite saint's real name is Giovanni.  He was nicknamed him “Francis” as his father was away in France on business when he was born in 1161.

HIS SIGN. Jorge is a Sagittarius. According to celebrity astrologer Maria Shaw, people born on December 13th are are "charismatic and live life on the edge." He is ruled by Jupiter, the planet of expansion, which is an auspicious trait for a pope. Not surprisingly, Pope Francis shares his birthday with other outgoing and outspoken celebrities like TAYLOR SWIFT and JAMIE FOXX.

Pope Francis blessed a dog.  Kudos!

HIS TITLE. If you ever get to meet Jorge in person, be sure to address him properly with his 44-word official title:  "His Holiness Pope Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God."

HIS ETHNICITY. Although his passport is Argentine, Jorge’s roots are solidly Italian. His father, Mario, was born in Piedmonte Region of Italy and speaks Italian as his primary language. While born in Argentina, Jorge’s mother Regina has solid Italian roots as well. Her parents are both from Genoa.

HIS  LANGUAGES.  Growing up, Italian was spoken in the Bergoglio household.  However, his father had mixed feelings towards his native land...he moved to Argentina to escape the rise of fascism...so he made sure his children were also fluent in Spanish.  Jorge spent years studying in Frankfurt and can speak German as well.  And...of course...he speaks Latin!

HIS POLITICS. As archbishop of Buenos Aires, Jorge was a powerful critic of the Argentine government. At a Government Day Mass in 2004, he angered then-president Nestor Kirchner with snide remarks. The president never attended another Bergoglio sermon again. Similarly, he has a tense relationship with current leader Cristina Kirshner. She has turned down his last 14 formal requests to meet. However, Jorge and Cristina do agree on one issue: The Falkland Islands. Jorge claims they were “usurped by the British."

HIS  FAMILY.  Jorge has four brothers and sisters.  Two are deceased, and his brother is quiet and keeps to himself.  However, his sister Maria Elena is alive and kicking.  She has a penchant for being a blabber-mouth.  Hours after the announcement, she told Buenos Aires TV news she had prayed he wouldn't be elected pope.  Can you say: "La Stupida?"

HIS VIEWS. As with most Catholics, Pope Francis’ views on social issues are overwhelmingly conservative. Jorge called abortion the “culture of death” and feels same-sex marriages are “the devil’s work.” In addition, he tried unsuccessfully to stop President Cristina’s free distribution of condoms.

HIS MANNER. St. Francis of Assisi shunned all wealth and detested greed. Likewise, Pope Francis has displayed an amazing sense of humility. As a priest, he routinely cooked meals for the parish. As archbishop, he famously took the Buenos Aires subway to work. As pope, he insists on carrying his own suitcase, eschewing Ritz Carleton staff’s ardent attempts to assist!

HIS MISTAKES.  During Argentina's "Dirty War" a dictatorship ruthlessly employed firing squads to silence opposition.  As a priest, Bergoglio neglected his parish's needs and refused to stand up to government authorities.  In 2008, he admitted his shortcomings and asked fellow clergy to "put on garments of public penance for the sins committed during the years of the dictatorship."      

HIS FUTURE.  At age 76, it may seem his tenure as pope would be brief.  Au Contrare! Thanks to his healthy diet, his car-free commute and his constant exercise, Pope Francis has at least ten years of great pope-ing ahead.  HABEUM PAPEM!

NOTE: We here at the DUNER BLOG are currently investigating claims that Pope Francis is actually an imposter!  In reality, it's just NBA announcer JEFF VAN GUNDY in a white robe!!

MARCH 12 TAFT JOINS 'PRESIDENTIAL SPRINT' AT NATIONALS GAMES

MARCH 12 TAFT JOINS 'PRESIDENTIAL SPRINT' AT NATIONALS BASEBALL GAMES

The DUNER BLOG staff loves sports.  So, we are thrilled about the return of baseball in a fortnight's time.  Hungry for silly sports stories, everyone salivated when we heard a new president was being added to the famed "Presidential Sprint" at Washington Nationals home games.  Sorry, for our international readers (and American's who don't follow ridiculous pop culture..) here's a quick definition.  During lulls in American sporting events, we have mascots entertain us with dances, skits and cheers.  The silliest such routine is the 'Presidental Sprint' in D.C.  Every fourth inning, twelve-foot-high goofy replicas of US Presidents race each other in foul territory. 

We here at the DUNER BLOG live for this sort of activity.  (We also love Milwaukee's Sausage Race and the Pittsburgh Pirogi Race).   Our only problem with the Presidential Sprint is: The four contestants are the same presidents that appear everywhere.  To review: George Washington, ($1, Quarter coin, Mt. Rushmore) Abe Lincoln, ($5, Penny, Mt. Rushmore), Tom Jefferson ($2, Nickel, Mt. Rushmore) and Teddy Roosevelt (Postage stamp, Mt. Rushmore, Night at the Museum movies).  So...when Nats team spokesman Clint Khoury announced a new president was joining the mascot crew...everyone assumed it would be another famous one...like Jackson, FDR or Kennedy.  However....imagine our amazement when we heard the new president was WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT!

Never heard of Taft?  For starters, the 27th President was our nation's largest. He weighed over 300 LBS (135 kg).  There's a legend about Tubby Taft getting stuck in the White House bathtub...but we'll stick to the important stuff.  In the 1908 election, Taft soudly defeated William Jennings Bryan.  Historians credit Teddy Roosevelt's endorsement for this victory, as the Republican Party was riding a crest of popularity.  In office, Taft's term was rather uneventful.  Domestically, he employed a conservative fiscal policy.  Internationally, he stayed out of Mexico's violent revolution.  His stand-offish relationship with the press hurt his re-election campaign in 1912, when he was defeated by Woodrow Wilson.  Hmm...not exactly a resume comparable with his peers in the Presidential Sprint!?!

So why choose lesser-known William Howard Taft over such heavy-weights as Monroe, Madison or Reagan?  Well...it turns out that Taft was the first president ever to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at a Major League Baseball game.  It happened at Griffith Stadium in Washington DC on April 14, 1910.  While this is a logical explanation, we here at the DUNER BLOG know the truth.   Of the 530 sprints, Teddy Roosevelt has won only four times (.007%), thus ensuring him the title of 'fan favorite.' (Americans love the underdog).  Although once friends...over time...Teddy and Tubby became bitter enemies who shoved each other around.  Thus, the Washington Nationals organization is setting the stage for some crazy mascot hi jinks this season when Bill and Ted start slugging!

MARCH 7 BLOGGERS WILL MISS HUGO CHAVEZ

MARCH 7 BLOGGERS WILL MISS HUGO CHAVEZ

The blogging world came to a screeching halt yesterday at 4:25 PM.  That's the precise time when Venezuela's beloved leader officially passed away.  Love him...or hate him...there's no denying HUGO CHAVEZ was a blogger's dream.  As expected, the mailbox is jammed full of questions so let's get started..

Are more people celebrating or mourning his death?  Linda, Mexico.
Officially, most people are being polite and are mourning Hugo's passing.  Venezuela's allies in Latin America have all issued heartfelt statements.  The first president was Nicaragua's Daniel Ortega,  followed closely by Bolivia's Evo Morales.  Brazil's President, Dilma Rousseff, called for a moment of silence.  Likewise, state-run TV in Caracas showed non-stop coverage of the throngs of supporters, clad in red, gathering outside his palace.  However, if Twitter is any indication, everyone is cracking jokes about "El Commandante.".

Didn't Chavez once tell King Juan Carlos to 'Shut up'? James, Berkeley.
Sorry, James, but you got it turned around. The King of Spain told Hugo to "Shut up." At a Madrid summit in 2007, Chavez was rousting then Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar.  But Hugo went too far when he called him a "fascist."  (This word still carries a lot of weight in Spain and Italy.)  An obviously angered King then uttered his famous quip.  NOTE:  Most people in Venezuela wanted Hugo to shut up as well.  El Jefe was renowned for his 3-4 hour radio speeches...he would often reminisce about his impoverished childhood. (Yawn!)

Why was Chavez so obsessed with Simon Bolivar?  Hung, Vietnam.
After our heroes' humble beginnings in the mud hut, he joined the Venezuelan military.  As a private, he became enthralled with Simon Bolivar, A.K.A. the George Washington of South America.  Chavez loved his 18th century philosophy of a socialist world devoid of hunger.  In reverence, Hugo often makes speeches under his portrait.  When elected president in 1998, he began constructing a huge mausoleum for Bolivar's casket, because the old one wasn't big enough.  NOTE: Chavez's Anti-American stance was the polar opposite of his idol.  Bolivar loved the USA and sent his only son to study at the University of Virginia with Thomas Jefferson's nephew. 

I heard that Venezuela is the world's largest exporter of oil. Is that true? Helen, U.K.
No, dear, it's not true.  Saudi Arabia is the largest exporter of petroleum, shipping some 11 million barrels every day.  Venezuela ranks 13th.  However, the South American nation leads the world in Proven Petroleum Reserves, which is actually much more important.  It's estimated one-fifth of earth's un-tapped oil lies beneath Venezuela's precious land.  (Hmm..Think the CIA is monitoring the transition of power to Vice President Nicolas Maduro?)

No word yet on whether the parrot is still alive.

Will Chavez's successor continue his anti-U.S. policies? Daniela, Brazil.
Yes.  Prior to announcing Hugo Chavez' death, the Venezuelan Government expelled two U.S. military aids, accusing them of espionage.  Then, they announced Hugo's passing.  Analysts see this as a clear message to the USA:  "We still hate you."  The best we can hope for is an unbiased and completely fair election, with opposition challenger Henrique Capriles narrowly defeating Chavez' hand-picked candidate Maduro.  Whomever wins the election, let's all hope he doesn't drink thirty cups of coffee every day like Hugo Chavez did.  That's enough to kill you!!!