Weekly insights into our crazy world.

Friday, September 24, 2010



Many sports fans across the world joined hands and celebrated what has to be one of the most celebrated events in sports history. Much bigger than JESSIE OWENS record race in the 100m at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. And much better than BILLIE JEAN KING's win in the 'Battle of the Sexes' tennis match in 1972. Heck, this even bigger than KOBE BRYANT and the LAKERS as the current back-to-back NBA CHAMPIONS. What is it, you ask? (Well, it's in the headline, dumb-ass! And the photo!) Someone finally got to beat the crap out of BRUTUS BUCKEYE the OHIO STATE MASCOT.

Sure, some people (like BIG JACK) argue that mascots are not an integral part of sports. "No cheerleader ever won a game" they'll point out. But sports aren't just about winning and losing. No, sports are about character; sports are about how you show yourself to the world. Don't believe me? Let's play word association. I say: basketball coach BOBBY KNIGHT. What did you first think about? His national championship at Indiana? Nope, it was him throwing a chair at official in the MIDDLE OF THE GAME. It was completely OUT of CHARACTER for a mature-grey-haired-leader to act like a tantrum-throwing-toddler.

The same goes for mascots. Love it, or hate it, when TOMMY TROJAN comes thundering out on a proud white stallion brandishing a flashy sword, USC already has an advantage on the playing field. The fans go nuts and feel invincible just by association. So do the players. But what about mascots which aren't fierce? What about mascots which are just plain embarrassing like BRUTUS BUCKEYE? We all know Ohio's state nickname is the same as the tree. But why make it the mascot of the football team as well? Anyhow, just like his rival, the STANFURD TREE, he is always on the top the lists of the dumbest mascots and everyone associated with college sports suffers.

What also makes the assault of Bucky even more stupendous what how it was carried out. Hero BRANDON HANNING has been banned from any contact with Ohio sports, and he doesn't care. He admits the entire thing was premeditated. "I tried out about a year ago and the only reason I tried out was so I could come up here to Ohio State and tackle Brutus." He studied the game tape to find the best possible time to pummel him. And, to the joy of sports fans everywhere, the most important moment finally happened. Thank you, BRANDON!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010



We here at the DUNER-BLOG worry about things that other people don't. We stay up late at night worrying about that postman in Calgary who was viciously attacked by a family of hawks on her remote route. (They even broke her bicycle helmet! But she's doing fine.) We're also concerned about the vulcanologist in Sumatra who is gravely ill after inhaling ash and fumes from the surprise eruption of Mt. Sinabung. (He too is recovering well!) So it comes as no surprise that everyone at the DUNER-BLOG is completely ENRAGED over the merciless slaughter of man's closest relatives in the Eastern Congo. WE NEED TO SAVE THE CHIMPS!!!

Sorry...I got a little carried away there...but we do have a serious problem brewing in Central Africa. The so-called "Democratic Republic of the Congo" is a gigantic nation with ginormous problems. The DRC ranks 12th in the world in size. With a whopping 71 million people, it now ranks 18th on the world population charts. On the other side, the Congo has the second lowest GDP per capital of all IMF nations. People earn about $200 a year. That doesn't leave a lot of money for good food. So people eat whatever they can. And the easiest thing to catch and eat is a chimpanzee. SOMEONE NEEDS TO HELP THE CHIMPS!!!

But aren't chimps protected? Sure, but a law is only good when it is enforced, which has never happened in the Congo. Uh-oh! It's time for another DUNER-BLOG HISTORY LESSON! Here we go: Until 1850, aside from a couple of crazy-ass English explorers, no white people ever ventured very deep into the jungles of Africa. Hence, much of the Congo lay unclaimed when BELGIUM arrived very late in the colonial free-for-all of the 1800's. They hired SIR HENRY STANLEY (Livingstone was busy) to explore the massive area and claim everything he saw for Belgium. He did an amazing job. The BELGIAN CONGO was now on the map. Let the plundering begin! For the next 50 years, King Leopold enslaved locals to produce rubber and mine for diamonds. When Zaire became independent in 1960, all 100,000 Europeans instantly fled. For the last 50 years, the DR Congo (the nation has changed its name six times) has wallowed in civil war and anarchy. SO THERE IS NO ONE THE HELP THE CHIMPS!!!

Indeed, and as poverty spreads, people become more and more desperate for food. In the outdoor markets, BUSH MEAT is becoming more and more common. Poachers venture into the plentiful rain forests with high-tech American-made rifles and pluck off the peaceful chimps like shooting practice. Just how bad is it? A researcher from the University of Amsterdam, CLEVE HICKS recently reported the the LONDON GUARDIAN about his startling discoveries in the Eastern Congo. Having made many trips over the past couple of decades to observe the primates, he couldn't help but notice an alarming increase in the number of orphaned chimps in the last year. He looked but found no bones or carcasses of corresponding adults. In search of an answer, he inquired in the local town and quickly found the answer. The fifty adult chimp carcasses were right there, behind the outdoor market. IT WAS TOO LATE TO HELP THE CHIMPS!!!

Hundreds of years from now, historians will look back at the year 2010 and wonder. In the year 1810 or 1910, it was understandable why poachers were allowed to drive certain animal species to extinction...science was still in its infancy. But in 2010, when everyone understood that EXTINCTION IS FOREVER, they still ignored vital signs and let the earth deteriorate. These historians will look at the news headlines on Sept. 14, 2010 and will understand why we let the Chimps die. LADY GAGA WON EIGHT MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS!!!

Friday, September 10, 2010



All my life I've pondered a difficult question: How do blind people read PLAYBOY MAGAZINE? Sure, it's easy to get a Charles Dickens novel read to you on an audio tape. Or one could read the LA Times in braille. Both would be pretty similar to actually reading a book or looking at a newspaper. But PLAYBOY is all about the pages themselves. Sure, a blind person could hold the magazine...but it just wouldn't be the same!

Well, thanks to volunteers at the TAPING FOR THE BLIND FOUNDATION in Houston, folks can ...for the first time ever...get verbal descriptions of Playboy Magazine. A local DJ for a classic rock radio station named SUZI HANKS was approached about the project. She was happy to use her, deep, sultry voice for something other than announcing yet another classic from LED ZEPPELIN. And the results have been amazing. It's one of the most requested items from the foundation's catalog. But she denies trying to 'sex-up' her takes. Says Hanks: "I just read it, and I'm a woman. That's pretty much all the sexy."

She doesn't read the magazine cover-to-cover. She begins with the articles and the jokes. She also describes the cartoons and reads the phony 'letters to the editor.' But sooner or later, she gets to the centerfold. Okay, Okay, I'll give you a sampling:

"She's a Latina, brunette with dark, chocolate eyes. She has long curly brown hair. In the first photo, she is sitting in the ocean. She has a very large grin on her face, pink lipstick. She has a small tattoo right over the small of her back, over the dimple area, that appears to be some sort of tribal design. It is red. Her legs are kind of crossed. Behind her shoulder, down past her arm, you can see her breast peeking out. There are no tan lines at all. She is not wearing any nail polish or jewelry, or...anything!"

Ahem! When asked later why she mentioned the nail polish, Hanks replied: "Sometimes it's all they have on!"