Weekly insights into our crazy world.

Friday, September 24, 2010



Many sports fans across the world joined hands and celebrated what has to be one of the most celebrated events in sports history. Much bigger than JESSIE OWENS record race in the 100m at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. And much better than BILLIE JEAN KING's win in the 'Battle of the Sexes' tennis match in 1972. Heck, this even bigger than KOBE BRYANT and the LAKERS as the current back-to-back NBA CHAMPIONS. What is it, you ask? (Well, it's in the headline, dumb-ass! And the photo!) Someone finally got to beat the crap out of BRUTUS BUCKEYE the OHIO STATE MASCOT.

Sure, some people (like BIG JACK) argue that mascots are not an integral part of sports. "No cheerleader ever won a game" they'll point out. But sports aren't just about winning and losing. No, sports are about character; sports are about how you show yourself to the world. Don't believe me? Let's play word association. I say: basketball coach BOBBY KNIGHT. What did you first think about? His national championship at Indiana? Nope, it was him throwing a chair at official in the MIDDLE OF THE GAME. It was completely OUT of CHARACTER for a mature-grey-haired-leader to act like a tantrum-throwing-toddler.

The same goes for mascots. Love it, or hate it, when TOMMY TROJAN comes thundering out on a proud white stallion brandishing a flashy sword, USC already has an advantage on the playing field. The fans go nuts and feel invincible just by association. So do the players. But what about mascots which aren't fierce? What about mascots which are just plain embarrassing like BRUTUS BUCKEYE? We all know Ohio's state nickname is the same as the tree. But why make it the mascot of the football team as well? Anyhow, just like his rival, the STANFURD TREE, he is always on the top the lists of the dumbest mascots and everyone associated with college sports suffers.

What also makes the assault of Bucky even more stupendous what how it was carried out. Hero BRANDON HANNING has been banned from any contact with Ohio sports, and he doesn't care. He admits the entire thing was premeditated. "I tried out about a year ago and the only reason I tried out was so I could come up here to Ohio State and tackle Brutus." He studied the game tape to find the best possible time to pummel him. And, to the joy of sports fans everywhere, the most important moment finally happened. Thank you, BRANDON!

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