Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Remember the 1982 movie "Caddyshack?" In those days, millionaires bought planes, yachts and mansions to show off their amazing wealth. Boy, have times changed. First of all it's multi-billionaires...not millionaires. Also, simple little things like boats and jets aren't nearly big enough to demonstrate one's astounding monetary value. Nope...these days, billionaires are buying islands. Last year, Virgin Atlantic's chairman RICHARD BRANSON bought Neckar Island in the Caribbean. So, it just came as no surprise last week when Oracle CEO LARRY ELLISON announced he had bought the Hawaiian island of Lanai.
The first question you must be asking yourself is: Does he really own the entire island of Lanai? The answer: Pretty darn close. The Public Utilities Commission has given "internal approval" for the plan which would give Ellison ownership of 98% of the island's 141 square miles. This includes two Four Seasons Resorts, two golf courses and fifty miles of beaches. The next thing you're asking yourself is: What is on Lanai anyhow? Anything other than pineapples? Well...it's true...Lanai was first purchased by JAMES DOLE in 1922 and used solely as a plantation. The tasty fruit still grows on the open fields, but the main economy is tourism. Today, most of the island's 3,200 residents work in this sector. So...aside from a store, post office and no traffic lights...there really isn't much on the island of Lanai.
Anyhow, back to Mr. Ellison. So far, he has not commented on what he wants to do with Lanai, but speculation is rampant. For starters, the MAUI NEWS is worried about expansion. See, the tiny island has trouble hosting the billionaire's ritzy and eccentric hobbies. For example, the runways at the airport are way too small for Ellison's Russian MIG fighter to land. Another problem is the mere thirty miles of paved roads. See...this is inadequate for Ellison's McLaren Formuala-1 Race Car to drive on. And the tiny harbor at Manele Bay? It simply cannot moor Larry's 453-foot yacht. Tough questions for the CEO indeed.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
|#5 is Lukas Podolski|
The first round of the UEFA 2012 (Union of European Football Associations) is over. Two weeks into the tournament, there has been lots of good news and some inevitable bad news. The good news is Poland and the Ukraine have exceeded expectations as co-host nations. New hotel and entertainment complexes have welcomed over a million fans. Trains are ample, clean and on time. The facilities...many built specifically for the event...have dazzled. Even the weather has cooperated. The bad news is ignorant racists morons have disrupted some matches. Let's face it: Fans who jump up and down and howl like monkeys need to look in the mirror and ask themselves: Хто це мавпа? (Who is the monkey?)
To be honest, we here at the DUNER BLOG don't really enjoy soccer much. HOWEVER...we do enjoy the soccer players. It's true: Nowadays, European footie heroes have reached levels of celebrity previously only attained by MICHAEL JORDAN and TIGER WOODS. Similarly aided by tabloids, twitter and testosterone, these go-getters are always in the headlines across the continent. Also...just like their American counterparts...their fame is matched only by their enormous salaries and lucrative endorsement deals. To honor these men, here is our official list of the TOP FIVE SEXIEST PLAYERS LEFT IN THE UEFA 2012 TOURNAMENT.
|#4. Cesc Fabregas|
#4. CESC FABREGAS. Spain. It seems wherever this midfielder goes, drama follows. As a youth, he first shot to fame on Spain's U-17 team. Then, the Barcelona native broke hometown hearts when he signed with the English power ARSENAL at the tender age of sixteen. Injuries to other midfielders quickly catapulted him into the starting lineup, where he shined. In eight seasons, he scored 53 goals...and became team captain. When his contract was up, one of the highest bidding wars in sports history ensued, with FC Barcelona winning with a bid of 34 million Euros.
|#3. Ashley Cole.|
|#2. Ilker Casillas|
|#1. Cristiano Ronaldo|
Thursday, June 14, 2012
It was just like any other morning for RONALD POPPO. Homeless in Miami, he sought shelter from the sun under an overpass on the MacArthur Causeway. When all of a sudden...he was attacked by a zombie! "Brains! Brains!" moaned the undead monster as he pounced on his unaware victim. Old, weak and frail, Ronald was unable to fend off the attacker who proceeded to eat his face off. A nearby bicyclist, LARRY VEGA, heard the strange noises and saw the unthinkable. A quick cell phone call later, a police officer arrived. "Put your hands up." the cop demanded. But zombies don't listen. He just grunted angrily, pieces of flesh hanging from his mouth. Bam! Bam! Six bullets later, the zombie was dead. Again.
Sound like a bad Hollywood movie? Well, it's all true...and available for your viewing pleasure on YouTube. In fact, this has been a banner year for zombie attacks in the USA. Last month, a New Jersey zombie was also cornered by cops. He resisted arrest by stabbing himself, then reaching inside his torso and then throwing his own intestines at officers. Then there was the Maryland college student who ate a classmate in a dorm room. And don't forget the Texas Zombie Mom who dined on her own newborn baby. Let's face it...there's a zombie epidemic going on here!
To calm nerves, we all carry chainsaws (the quickest way to kill a zombie) and try to remember...this sort of "massive panic" has happened before. As a kid...way back in the 1970's...there were Bigfoot sightings everywhere. In the 1980's everyone was paranoid about UFOs. Thankfully, we just finished the silly vampire craze. While most of these alleged sightings were in movie theaters, they still grabbed headlines nationwide...much like the zombies are doing today. And...not surprisingly...there are a number of Zombie-inspired movies and TV shows today. In the movie theaters, there's "Shaun of the Dead." On TV we get to watch "Zombie Land."
|Watch out for LeZombie James!|
Thursday, June 7, 2012
On Sunday, all of Britain celebrated Queen Elizabeth II's Diamond Jubilee. The 86-year-old superstar has officially been on the throne for sixty years. While that is a very long time, she still needs to serve another twenty-three years to be the all-time longest reigning monarch of all time. Who managed to rule for longer than sixty years? Let's find out! Here's the list of Longest Reigning Monarchs of All Time:
#7. Emperor Hirohito. Japan. 62 years. Talk about a survivor! We're talking six-plus decades of drama. First, in 1921, the Emperor visited Europe and put the reclusive nation on the map. Furiously motivated, he returned home and industrialized Japan seemingly overnight. Next, he conquered Asia...Siberia, Samoa, Singapore, Siam...you name it! Then he showed great humility on August 15th, 1945, when he begged the world for forgiveness...and kept his crown.
#6. Queen Victoria. England. 63 years. The most powerful woman ever. It's true: The sun never set on her empire. Even today, the sun never sets on places named after her. Let's see...there's Victoria Peak in Hong Kong...and Lake Victoria in Africa. The Victoria Strait leads to the Arctic Ocean while Victoria Falls is the largest on earth. The city of Victoria is in Canada while the state of Victoria is in Australia.
|Poor Franz Joseph.|
#4. Pakal the Great. Maya. 68 years. Our only representative from the Western Hemisphere, Pakal ascended to the throne in the year 615. He was only twelve years old. During his long reign, the capital Palenque grew into a massive city, trailing only Xian in China and Constantinople in overall population.
#3. Franz Joseph. Austria-Hungary. 68 years. Historians love Franz because his personal life mirrored his professional life. When he came to the throne in 1848, the great Austrian Empire stretched from Rome to the Rhine to Romania. During his long reign, he watched it slowly disappear...piece by piece. Simultaneously, his family life deteriorated in a similar fashion. His brother, Max was shot by a firing squad in Mexico. His wife, Empress Eleanor was also assassinated ten years later. His son, Prince Rudolf committed suicide. Finally, the killing of his nephew, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, started a World War.
#2. Louis XIV. France. 72 years. The Sun King was originally called the "Gift from God," as his parents had been trying to conceive a child for twenty years. While he is largely remembered today for his opulent palaces like Versailles and the Louvre, we here at the DUNER BLOG admire his penchant for bureaucracy. With the help of finance minister Jean Colbert, he created the first modern state.