Weekly insights into our crazy world.

Thursday, June 14, 2012



It was just like any other morning for RONALD POPPO.  Homeless in Miami, he sought shelter from the sun under an overpass on the MacArthur Causeway.  When all of a sudden...he was attacked by a zombie!  "Brains! Brains!" moaned the undead monster as he pounced on his unaware victim.  Old, weak and frail, Ronald was unable to fend off the attacker who proceeded to eat his face off.  A nearby bicyclist, LARRY VEGA, heard the strange noises and saw the unthinkable.  A quick cell phone call later, a police officer arrived.  "Put your hands up." the cop demanded.  But zombies don't listen.  He just grunted angrily, pieces of flesh hanging from his mouth.  Bam! Bam! Six bullets later, the zombie was dead.  Again.

Sound like a bad Hollywood movie?  Well, it's all true...and available for your viewing pleasure on YouTube.  In fact, this has been a banner year for zombie attacks in the USA.  Last month, a New Jersey zombie was also cornered by cops. He resisted arrest by stabbing himself, then reaching inside his torso and then throwing his own intestines at officers.  Then there was the Maryland college student who ate a classmate in a dorm room.   And don't forget the Texas Zombie Mom who dined on her own newborn baby.  Let's face it...there's a zombie epidemic going on here!

It been so bad, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Florida has been bombarded by worried citizens.  As everyone knows, radiation emissions often trigger zombie attacks...had there been any such incidents?  To quell public unrest, the CDC issued a public statement about Zombie Preparedness.   It begins by saying: "A scenario where zombies take over entire countries, roaming city streets eating anything living that got in their way..." will not happen.  Whew!  That's a relief!  It goes on to report: "The CDC does not know of a virus that would reanimate the dead...or present any zombie-like symptoms."  Comforting...but we here at the DUNER BLOG still aren't convinced there is no zombie peril.

To calm nerves, we all carry chainsaws (the quickest way to kill a zombie) and try to remember...this sort of "massive panic" has happened before.  As a kid...way back in the 1970's...there were Bigfoot sightings everywhere.   In the 1980's everyone was paranoid about UFOs.  Thankfully, we just finished the silly vampire craze.  While most of these alleged sightings were in movie theaters, they still grabbed headlines nationwide...much like the zombies are doing today.  And...not surprisingly...there are a number of Zombie-inspired movies and TV shows today.  In the movie theaters, there's "Shaun of the Dead."  On TV we get to watch "Zombie Land." 

Watch out for LeZombie James!
Still scared?  Well, we here at the DUNER BLOG have one last item that will hopefully soothe your Zombie-ridden angst.  After issuing its "Zombies" alert, the Miami office of the CDC was flooded with reporters, journalists and inquiring minds...all wanting to know the truth.  In reply, CDC spokesman DAVE DAIGLE admitted that the idea for the post was fictional.  He posted it in hopes of luring people to the website so they would read about "less sexy topics" like...say...hurricane preparedness.   Daigle wants to "inspire people to make at least basic preparations for a real emergency."  Whatever.  Finally, you must be wondering how the victim, RONALD POPPO is doing.  Good news: He's recovering and looking forward to tonight's NBA championship game on TV.  "Go Heat!" he twitted.

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