Weekly insights into our crazy world.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013



You asked for it…You got it! People from all over the world want to meet the New Pope! We here at the DUNER BLOG has assembled ten vital statistics about everyone’s favorite New Kid on the Block, Francis the First.  Let's get started...

HIS NAME. We can’t find any information on why Mr. and Mrs. Bergoglio named him Jorge (George) although his middle name, Mario, is the same as his father. Jorge chose Francis as his papal name to honor St. Francis Assisi, founder of the Jesuits and one of the most venerated religious figures of all time. NOTE:  Our favorite saint's real name is Giovanni.  He was nicknamed him “Francis” as his father was away in France on business when he was born in 1161.

HIS SIGN. Jorge is a Sagittarius. According to celebrity astrologer Maria Shaw, people born on December 13th are are "charismatic and live life on the edge." He is ruled by Jupiter, the planet of expansion, which is an auspicious trait for a pope. Not surprisingly, Pope Francis shares his birthday with other outgoing and outspoken celebrities like TAYLOR SWIFT and JAMIE FOXX.

Pope Francis blessed a dog.  Kudos!
HIS TITLE. If you ever get to meet Jorge in person, be sure to address him properly with his 44-word official title:  "His Holiness Pope Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God."

HIS ETHNICITY. Although his passport is Argentine, Jorge’s roots are solidly Italian. His father, Mario, was born in Piedmonte Region of Italy and speaks Italian as his primary language. While born in Argentina, Jorge’s mother Regina has solid Italian roots as well. Her parents are both from Genoa.

HIS  LANGUAGES.  Growing up, Italian was spoken in the Bergoglio household.  However, his father had mixed feelings towards his native land...he moved to Argentina to escape the rise of fascism...so he made sure his children were also fluent in Spanish.  Jorge spent years studying in Frankfurt and can speak German as well.  And...of course...he speaks Latin!

HIS POLITICS. As archbishop of Buenos Aires, Jorge was a powerful critic of the Argentine government. At a Government Day Mass in 2004, he angered then-president Nestor Kirchner with snide remarks. The president never attended another Bergoglio sermon again. Similarly, he has a tense relationship with current leader Cristina Kirshner. She has turned down his last 14 formal requests to meet. However, Jorge and Cristina do agree on one issue: The Falkland Islands. Jorge claims they were “usurped by the British."

HIS  FAMILY.  Jorge has four brothers and sisters.  Two are deceased, and his brother is quiet and keeps to himself.  However, his sister Maria Elena is alive and kicking.  She has a penchant for being a blabber-mouth.  Hours after the announcement, she told Buenos Aires TV news she had prayed he wouldn't be elected pope.  Can you say: "La Stupida?"

HIS VIEWS. As with most Catholics, Pope Francis’ views on social issues are overwhelmingly conservative. Jorge called abortion the “culture of death” and feels same-sex marriages are “the devil’s work.” In addition, he tried unsuccessfully to stop President Cristina’s free distribution of condoms.

HIS MANNER. St. Francis of Assisi shunned all wealth and detested greed. Likewise, Pope Francis has displayed an amazing sense of humility. As a priest, he routinely cooked meals for the parish. As archbishop, he famously took the Buenos Aires subway to work. As pope, he insists on carrying his own suitcase, eschewing Ritz Carleton staff’s ardent attempts to assist!

HIS MISTAKES.  During Argentina's "Dirty War" a dictatorship ruthlessly employed firing squads to silence opposition.  As a priest, Bergoglio neglected his parish's needs and refused to stand up to government authorities.  In 2008, he admitted his shortcomings and asked fellow clergy to "put on garments of public penance for the sins committed during the years of the dictatorship."      

HIS FUTURE.  At age 76, it may seem his tenure as pope would be brief.  Au Contrare! Thanks to his healthy diet, his car-free commute and his constant exercise, Pope Francis has at least ten years of great pope-ing ahead.  HABEUM PAPEM!

NOTE: We here at the DUNER BLOG are currently investigating claims that Pope Francis is actually an imposter!  In reality, it's just NBA announcer JEFF VAN GUNDY in a white robe!!

No comments:

Post a Comment