Weekly insights into our crazy world.

Thursday, January 30, 2014



We here at the DUNER BLOG pride ourselves on searching the globe for stories you might have missed.  This week, we're off to South Africa.  Here the Rhino War has engulfed Krueger National Park.  Since the start of the year, the number of deaths is staggering: Eleven people and forty rhinos. Yikes!  What the hell is going on down there?  After further investigation, we have determined there are actually two wars going on in the famed park...

Let's start with the Human death toll.  In this theater of the Rhino War, we have: The Rangers vs. The Poachers.  Specifically, they army is called South African National Defense Force.  This elite crew of crime-fighting superstars scours the savanna in search of evil poachers.  The Poachers roam the park on dirt bikes at night with machine guns, hunting in the mud for sleeping Rhinos.  Problems arise when the two meet on the open safari plains.  It quickly develops to a shoot out, and dumb poachers usually lose.  All eleven people shot have been scumbag poachers.

Next up: The Rhino death toll.  In this theater of the Rhino War, we have: The Poachers vs. The Rhinos.  See, the horns of a White Rhino fetch 200,000 Rand per kilogram on the black market.  (Roughly speaking, this is $9,000 per pound of Rhino horn.  Anyhow, this ungodly sum is more than cocaine!)  It's clearly more than enough to lure impoverished men out of the township to risk their lives for that one big haul.  Anyhow, while the South African government tries to work it all out, the Rhino murder rate continues to rise. 

Just how bad is it?  Well, there are only 4,240 Black Rhinos and 20,150 White Rhinos left in Africa, with the vast majority living in the once safe National Parks and Reserves of South Africa.  And in the Rhinos vs. Poachers theater of war, the Rhinos always lose.  We couldn't find any statistics on the number of Poachers the Rhinos have managed to kill, but we doubt they are very high.  See, a Rhino's brain is small.  In fact, no other animal that size has a smaller-sized brain!

Well, just when everything seemed helpless for our endangered Rhinos...here comes a hero!  Prince William of Wales has joined the fight.  Unfortunately, he will not be flying a Royal Air Force Tornado GRF Fighter Plane.  Wills won't be dropping any Storm Shadow Cruise Missiles on the Poacher Headquarters.  Nope, all we'll get is a strongly-worded statement of disapproval...but!...at least Prince William is trying!  End the RHINO WAR now!!! 

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