Weekly insights into our crazy world.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012




Not surprisingly, the DUNER BLOG headquarters has been swamped by letters, faxes, tweets and pokes...all asking for more information about LANCE ARMSTRONG.  Let's get started....

How many times did Lance win the Tour de France?  Is this a record?
The American cyclist has won the race seven times!  Yes...this is the record.  Three men have won the Tour five times. The most recent was Spaniard Miguel Indurain in 1995.  In fact, the only cyclist in history who can even come close to Lance is Belgian Eddie Merckx (Not misspelled!).  He was won more Tour de France stages than Armstrong and has won more Grand Tour victories.  NOTE: This includes the other two events, the Giro d'Italia and the Vuelta a España.

Are Lance's Tour de France medals given to second-place finishers?
Indeed they are!  Poor Lance must pack up his seven 1.4 kilogram medals and FedEx them to the cycling headquarters in Switzerland.  They will be sent to the following riders, who are no longer second fiddle but legitimate Tour de France champs:
  • 1999: Alex Zülle (Switz.)
  • 2000: Jan Ullrich (Ger.)
  • 2001: Jan Ullrich (Ger.)
  • 2002: Joseba Beloki (Spain)
  • 2003: Jan Ullrich (Ger.)
  • 2004: Andreas Klöden (Ger.)
  • 2005: Ivan Basso (Italy)
Perhaps the happiest people are those who finished in fourth place.  Just like in the Olympics, they now get bronze medals!  NOTE: Jan Ullrich is still under investigation himself, so fifth place finishers might get lucky too!

Who decided to take them away? 
This is the disturbing aspect of the scandal.  Surprise! It's not a bunch of jealous Europeans who dug up seven-year-old test results to tarnish a legend.  The largest cycling organization is the U.C.I. (Union Cycliste Internationale).  Founded in the year 1900, and based in hoity-toity Aigle, Switzerland, they oversee not just the Grand Tour events but other wheeled competitions in Mountain Biking, BMX and Para-biking as well.  They looked at the same tests and dismissed the case.  Believe it or not, it's actually the US Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) who has waged this disgusting "witch hunt" against our hero.  For shame!

Do we have to give back our yellow Lance Armstrong Livestrong bracelets?
What makes Lance Armstrong such an superhero isn't his wins on the track.  Nope, we love Lance for his courage off the track.  See, in 1996 he was diagnosed with stage three testicular cancer.  The cruel disease had spread to his lungs and brain.  Doctors only gave him a 40% chance of surviving.  However, always the competitor, he beat cancer...just like he beat everyone on the Tour.  After retiring, he founded the Lance Armstrong Foundation.  Through the sale of yellow bracelets for $1 each, he raised over $500 million for cancer research.  Wear them with pride today!

Is Lance Armstrong still a hero?
You bet your butt he is!  Monsieur Armstrong has managed to match his amazing accomplishments on the bike in real life as well  We told you that he survived chemotherapy and raised half a billion dollars for cancer research.  But did you know he was engaged to marry pop star Sheryl Crow?  And didja know he has 4,000,000 Tweeter followers?  However, the most important evidence than Lance is still a hero is the simple fact that despite the scandal, not even one advertising agency has dropped him as a endorsement pitchman.  If corporate America still loves you, than you are still THE MAN! NOTE: Duner's blog is on vacation the next two weeks.  ¡Adios! 

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