Tuesday, December 20, 2011
DEC 20 KIM JONG IL: MYTHS & FACTS
Wow! 2011 has been a most difficult year for tyrants. First HOSNI MUBARBAK goes down in Egypt. Then MOAMMAR GADDAFI is killed. And now...the craziest dictator of them all...KIM JONG IL...is dead! To celebrate the end of terror, we here at the DUNER BLOG would like to set the record straight about some of the North Korean's "legendary achievements" and do some serious Myth-busting! Here are the top five:
#1 His legendary birth.
MYTH: It all began on a chilly February day in the year 1942. Inside the walls of a simple log cabin...on the windswept hills of sacred Mount Paektu...a miracle occurred: The "Glorious General Descended from Heaven!" A new star appeared in the sky, followed by a double rainbow, followed by a sacred swallow...who brought spring to North Korea two months early.
FACT: The truth is our "Dear Leader" wasn't even born in Korea. His father, KIM IL-SUNG, was living in Khabarovsk, Siberia at the time. He was plotting with the Soviet Army to overthrow the Japanese occupation of Asia during World War II.
MYTH: Of all of KIM JONG IL's amazing talents, this one is the best...because no one else on earth can do this. Our "Dear Leader" controls the weather with his moods . If he's angry, expect a violent snowstorm. Sadness brings rain; melancholy moods warrant fog. Expect sunshine when his shipments of caviar and cognac arrive. (KIM JONG IL spent $750,000 on Hennesey each year!)
FACT: We here at the DUNER-BLOG have a meteorologist on staff. He confirmed: It is scientifically impossible to control the weather by your thoughts.
#3 His legendary golf game.
MYTH: It's a shame he never competed in any PGA events...because the 'Dear Leader' had mad golf skills. When the first ever course opened in Pyongyang in 1994, KIM JONG IL naturally played the first ever round. His score was 38 under par! This included a whopping five holes-in-one. All 17 bodyguards signed oaths attesting to the feat.
FACT: We consulted the Guinness World Records. The lowest golf score ever is 55. It was achieved by HOMERO BLANCOS in 1962. To beat this by 18 strokes is impossible.
MYTH: In addition to being head of the armed forces, KIM JONG IL is also the "Highest Incarnation of Revolutionary Comradely Love." To show this devotion, our "Dear Leader" toiled day and night to come up with a wonderful, new dish for all to eat and enjoy. His "discovery," was called a "Double Bread with Meat" sandwich. They were cleverly packaged in paper bags for easy purchase.
FACT: Pyongyang restaurants first served this "new" delicacy in the year 2004. If you have ever eaten a hamburger prior to this year, you can de-bunk this myth yourself!
#5 He doesn't need to urinate or defecate.
FACT: The North Korean State Media removed this legend from their website years ago. But we still had to include it in the list! Let's face it...even an "Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander" has to go to the bathroom!