Weekly insights into our crazy world.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014



Back in May, every one's favorite Hollywood hunk GEORGE CLOONEY broke hearts worldwide when he announced he was getting married.  Why the fuss?  George is quite the catch.  He's a two-time winner of the coveted People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive Award (1997 & 2006).  He has two Oscar nominations. In short, the actor oozes success. Although he had proclaimed...on many occasions...his distaste for marriage, Clooney's heart was stolen by a smart, stunning lawyer from Lebanon named AMAL AMAMUDDIN.

George seemed to be in marital bliss...until a bombshell fell in Beirut over the weekend.  No! We're not talking about the explosive type of car-bomb-shell...that happens in Lebanon every day.  Nope, we're talking about the public rant put on by Amal's outspoken mother, Baria.  See, this woman is not your average stay-at-home mother-in-law. Baria Ananmuddin is the foreign editor of the Al-Hayat newspaper. She also hosts a popular TV show.

On Saturday, Baria took to the airwaves to discuss her displeasure with her future son-in-law.  "There are five hundred thousand Druze Muslims." she clamored. "Are none of them good enough for Amal?"  Actually...Baria...there are five million Druze who follow the esoteric sect of Islam that incorporates philosophical tenets and symbols into the faith. For centuries, the tight-knit people have remained intact. They survived the Crusades, 500 years of Turkish occupation and two World Wars! No wonder Baria wants her daughter to marry a Druze!

Currently, George is just laughing the incident off.  Baria Amamuddin was just being sarcastic on the morning talk show, right?  However, further investigation by the DUNER BLOG reveals some rather alarming information. Unfortunately for Mr. Clooney, the Druze take marriage outside of the sect as a violation of religious law. The punishment for this crime is having your penis cut off. Don't believe us? Well as recently as last year, a non-Druze Muslim had his bits removed by the relatives of the Druze woman who married him!

Fortunately, we here at the DUNER BLOG have the solution: George Clooney needs to convert to Druze Islam.  We did some quick research and believe it could work. First of all, the main symbol of the Druze is a star...and George is the biggest Hollywood star of all. Second, Druze were largely responsible for the 2005 Cedar Revolution. If George wants to be a politician and bring peace in the Middle East...this is a great path to follow. Finally, giving up booze will do George good. He has said on numerous occasions "I drink to much" and gone for long periods of abstention.  It's true: Last month's sloppy incident with Steve Winn was embarrassing. Becoming a Druze would permanently stop him from boozing and bring World Peace.  Are you reading, George?

The future President Clooney. 

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