Weekly insights into our crazy world.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011



People worldwide are all asking the same question: Where is MUAMMAR GADDAFI?  Not since the "Where's Waldo" craze has everyone on the planet been so intent on finding someone.  However, we here at the DUNER BLOG are proud to announce that we know where the evil tyrant is! He's hiding in neighboring Niger.  (NOTE: It's pronounced KNEE-gair) How did we come to this conclusion?  Well, it wasn't easy...that's for sure.  Respected news sources like the BBC and CNN are hesitant to release any false information, so we had turn to less legitimate sources: tacky tabloids and wacky websites.   We compiled information from unnamed family sources and quotes from unidentified tribal leaders.  And here's what we've found:

A month ago, Gaddafi announced that he would "fight to the death" to save Libya.  But...as the situation continued to deteriorate...he changed his mind and decided he liked being alive.   On Monday he fled in exile.  However, it's hard to sneak out of Libya when you have NATO monitoring your every move.  There are dozens of war ships from the US, UK, Canada, Italy and France all patrolling the Mediterranean...so you certainly can't leave by boat.  Likewise, there are three aircraft carriers watching the skies...so poor Muammar can't fly out either.  Heck, there are even submarines waiting for him if he tries to swim away underwater!  Nope, his only option is to escape overland to a friendly neighboring nation and hope satellites can't detect him.

Aisha Gaddafi
There are six nations that border Libya.  Egypt and Tunisia are out: Gaddafi's buddies Mubarak and Zine al Abidine were both overthrown earlier this year and the new regimes have strict anti-tyrant foreign policiesChad and Sudan are also a no-go: Gaddafi burned those bridges twenty years ago when he declared war on them over a silly border dispute.  Which leaves us with Algeria and Niger.  Algeria seemed like the natural haven for our displaced despot.  After all, his daughter Aisha and sons Mohamed and Hannibal (only Gaddafi can get away with naming his son Hannibal!) fled to Algiers last month.  Wrong again!  Nope, the last time anyone saw Muammar was when he and his 200 heavily armed vehicles came to the border town of Ghat, headed for Niger!

Why Niger?  According to the German tabloid DIE BILD it all has to do with a woman.  And...no...it's not his wife.  Her name is LADY MABROUKA and she is a cosmic voodoo sorceress.  Apparently, for the last ten years or so, she has become Muammar's most trusted advisor and confident.  Here's how it works.  LADY MABROUKA goes to the Ritz in Paris.  If you want to speak with Gaddafi, you must meet with her first and then hope she allows you to meet with the man.  (The tabloid also claims she tips the Ritz staff with 500 euro notes.) Anyhow, LADY MABROUKA is from Niger and is friends with RISSA AY BOULA, a Tuareg tribal leader who runs most of the country.  She's arranged for safe passage across the border.

The Lady Mabrouka
But...the real problem facing any nation offering safe haven for Gaddafi and his lady is the ROME STATUTE OF THE INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL COURT.  This pact forbids the harboring of criminals like our buddy Muammar.  Since Niger is a member state, they are obligated to turn him in to the Hague for a trial.  If they knowingly keep Gaddafi...and break the statute...they risk the ultimate punishment: No more Western aid.  Niger receives around $50 million in donations annually.   The best place for Muammar? "Zimbabwe" says Africa expert Andy Weir. "Mugabe has no relations with anyone, so there is no extradition issues.  Plus, he is already seen as hero in Harare, a true icon of pan-Africanism."

Where ever you end up, Muammar...one request...keep acting crazy and we'll keep blogging about you!

No comments:

Post a Comment