AUG 31 PITY POOR PAKISTAN--NO ONE LOVES YOU!

AUG 31 PITY POOR PAKISTAN--NO ONE LOVES YOU!

For those of you who just read my blog and get no other sources of news: There has been massive flooding in Pakistan. An "Act of God" has unleashed deluge after deluge on the country, destroying everything in its path. The statistics are staggering. The most rainfall in 80 years. 2,000 people dead. 1.4 million acres of farm land destroyed. Eight million people displaced. A fifth of the country is still underwater. Even TEN THOUSAND COWS HAVE DROWNED!!!

But...no matter how loudly we scream about the misery in Pakistan...NO ONE seems to care. Which is unlike other natural disasters. In fact, earlier this year I blogged about how impressive private American response was to the earthquake in Haiti. (Remember, even one of the JONAS BROTHERS went to Port-au-Prince to help?) Trust me, no one from the DisneyChannel hit series CAMP ROCK is flying to Karachi to help this crisis. Don't believe me? Let's check the statistics. So far, US relief agencies have raised $12 million dollars to help Pakistan. These same organizations donated $500 million to Haiti...some 40 times more!

Why the big disparity in aid? Well, let's face it, some countries just are popular and some are not. Everyone loves the JAMAICAN BOBSLED TEAM. No one loves terrorist camps in the TORA BORA MOUNTAINS. Everyone loves happy kids playing at DISNEYLAND. No one loves seeing brainwashed children chanting in fundamentalist Islamic MADRASAH SCHOOLS. Get my point? So when we get news that the cave where OSAMA BIN LADEN lives might be wrecked, we tend to celebrate instead of writing a check to OXFAM.

And it's not just Americans. Pakistan's neighbor INDIA hasn't sent much aid either. The two countries have severed relations after Pakistani nationals were convicted of killing 100 people in a downtown Mumbai hotel. And while other Islamic nations like Iran and Indonesia have 'observer status' in the ARAB LEAGUE, Pakistan's turbulent politics have ruined this relationship as well. The bottom line is: Pakistan has no friends.

However, SAMUEL WORTHINGTON of the charity InterAction disagrees with this notion. It's wrong to view a nation only through the eyes of skewed media. He reminds us that Pakistan's population is now at 170 million, making it the sixth largest nation on earth. More people live in Pakistan than in Russia, Japan or Mexico. Yet the whole nation "tends to be labeled through a very small subset of terrorists." Worthington asserts that the vast majority of Pakistani people, "Whether they are lawyers or farmers, they are just people who simply want to live in peace. Their story doesn't get told, but it needs to be told, especially when they're suffering."

AUG 20 CHINA OVERTAKES JAPAN AS #2 WORLD ECONOMY

AUG 20 CHINA OVERTAKES JAPAN AS #2 WORLD ECONOMY

It's been RUMORED to happen for years, but the official stats are now in: According to a Japanese government report, the nation's GNP growth grew a measly 0.4% in the last financial quarter. This puts the island nation's nominal GNP (a figure not adjusted for price and seasonal variations) at $1.286 trillion. China, who's quarterly growth was ten times of Japan's, now has a nominal GNP of $1.335 trillion. This means that for the FIRST TIME EVER China's economy is the second largest on earth!

Now this many seem trivial to some...but let's face it...this list doesn't change very often. The last time a nation in the top two spots switched was way back in 1968, when Japan nudged WEST GERMANY out of the #2 spot. And, unless Europe manages to merge into one country, it likely won't change for another 42 years either. How has this bombshell affected world economies? The Dow Jones fell 73 points. The French CAAC and German DAX stock markets also dropped sharply. The Japanese Nikkei naturally fell the most, hitting a thirteen-month low. Ouch!

While the Japanese mourn, the Chinese can celebrate. After all, China can truly now claim that the boisterous, robust nation is the main reason for the world's slow, but steady, climb out of massive recession. With 10% growth, it is indeed a global beacon. But, amongst the top five economies, China is definitely a black sheep. With an average personal income of just $3,600, it has a huge gap between rich and poor. China relies heavily on other nations purchasing their exports, which...as we all know...aren't always the best products. On the other hand, Japan is the world's largest producer of cars and technological products. When this sector sees slow growth, it is much more alarming to the world economic machine. It shows how demand, particularly in Asia, is cooling considerably.

Naoto Kan, Japan's prime minister, knows the heat is on. But he's trying to downplay it as mere statistical nonsense. Or, as Kyohei Morita, the chief economist as BARCLAY'S CAPITAL in Tokyo said: "We should be more concerned about per-capita GDP. This this just symbolic. It's nothing more than that." Let's hope he's right, or we'll all be driving some pretty cheap Chinese cars real soon!

AUG 13 BRITON FIRST MAN TO WALK ENTIRE AMAZON RIVER

Earlier this week, a 34 year old former English Army Captain named became the first known human to walk the entire length of the Amazon River. It took ED STAFFORD a total of 859 days (two-and-a-half years) to complete. But today, the tenacious man from Hallation, Leicestershire can boldly state that he has done something NO MAN HAS EVER DONE BEFORE. And...something no one will likely ever do again!

During the course of his journey from the tiny APURIMAC RIVER (the source of the Amazon, high in the Peruvian Andies) to the sandy beaches of the ATLANTIC OCEAN, Ed encountered obstacles that would baffle ordinary people. The Brazilian government has little control over the indigenous peoples who live in the heart of the world's largest rain forest. So in order to cross large patches of jungle, he had to negotiate with tribal chiefs for permission to walk across their lands. He soon learned that leaders communicated with other villages using short wave radios. It was wise to ask neighboring villages ahead of time to avoid conflict. However, once this planned backfired. A chief had replied "No gringo may walk on our soil" and really meant it. When he arrived, poor Ed was imprisoned in a cage for two days before things got worked out!

While PEOPLE were could be negotiated with, the AMINALS could not. As everyone knows, the largest carnivores in the world are found in the Amazon Basin. The most ferocious are the CAIMAN CROCODILES. The largest one Ed saw was a whopping EIGHTEEN FEET LONG. However, Ed blogged that they were not very interested in humans. Neither was another obvious foe, the giant ANACONDA snakes, who also eschewed eating British explorers. No, the worst natural enemy Ed had to face were the giant colonies of LEAF-CUTTER ANTS. These voracious insects have extremely sharp teeth. Within seconds, they could lacerate his legs or suddenly rip his tent to shreds. However, there was one enemy that Ed managed to turn the tables on: the mighty schools of man-eating PIRANHA FISH. Ed caught them, smoked them, and ate them with sea salt for dinner!

Although he raised the $100,000 to fund the expedition mostly through non-profit corporations, Ed insists he no left-wing-eco-warrior. He says he loves adventure and the thrill of exploration. But, through his blog, he does want to bring awareness to the real situation occurring in the rain forest. While he believes the average Amazon resident is acutely aware of the dangers of de-forestation, many renegade, corrupt tribal leaders are not. They operate in areas federal governments cannot reach and are to blame for much of the illegal logging. However, Ed 'keeps his fingers crossed' that the next generation of Amazon leaders will be 'more in tune with the delicate situation' and will work with outside help to best preserve the earth's largest producer of live-giving oxygen.

How does Mr. Stafford feel about his accomplishment? He said: "It's been an incredible journey with some amazing highs, but also some pretty horrendous lows as well. But I just couldn't consider giving in." Another question reporters asked: What's next? Stafford replied that he does indeed have another exploration planned, but he wouldn't divulge any secrets. He didn't want anyone else beating him to it!

NOTE: Watch Ed's videos and read his blogs at ManWalksTheAmazon.com

JULY 27 MOSCOW CRIPPLED BY HISTORIC HEATWAVE

JULY 27 MOSCOW CRIPPLED BY HISTORIC HEATWAVE

Bikinis and Speedos were all folks were wearing on the lawns of beautiful KOLOMENSHOYE PARK this week as record temperatures wrecked havoc in the Russian capital. While Muscovites know how to handle extreme cold better than anyone, they are completely baffled at how to combat extreme heat. Over fifty people have drowned in one week, as many attempt to swim without any prior experience. Shelves in electronic retailers are empty, as air-conditioners are now dominating the always thriving Moscow black market. Even the traditional 'changing-of-the-cavalry-guard' at Cathedral Square has been cancelled for the first time ever. Seems soldiers were passing out while marching in their traditional bright red wool coats.

Just how hot is it? Well, let's ask the experts. At 17:00 Moscow time (11:00 GMT) the principal meteorological station at the National Exhibition Center registered 98.06 degrees Farenheit, breaking the record of 1936 with the maximum temperature for July of 97.70 degrees. There's a chance of breaking the all-time record in Moscow of 98.24 degrees set back in 1920. (Wow! And I though GERMAN weathermen were detail-oriented!) And while my Mom in PHOENIX is reading this right now and saying: "98 degrees is cold," remember Ma, it never gets to 22 degrees BELOW ZERO in Arizona. (This year's lowest temperature in Moscow.)

Anyhow, with record TEMPERATURES comes record forest fires, so much of European Russia is now engulfed in flames. And...as you know...Russia is BIG! A state of emergency has been declared in 18 provinces as 26,000 hectares of crops have been destroyed. That's an area the size of PORTUGAL! (Told you Russia was BIG!) But don't worry, despite these loses, Russian authorities have announced that they will not be importing any grain. They have enough wheat stockpiled in reserves to withstand another German or French invasion...so a forest fire is no problem.

And finally, let's hear from the environmentalists. A GREENPEACE spokesperson in Moscow blamed humans for the meteorologic mess, noting that July 2010 has seen worldwide temperatures up 1.22 degrees from the average. Our friends at the principal meteorological station at the Central Exhibition Center refute this, noting curious trends. An unusually cold low pressure system northwest of the United Kingdom and a very dry high pressure system in the Mediterranean has brought hot African air to Central Europe resulting in the current situation.

Looks like the Kremlin is cooked!

JULY 19 WORLD'S OLDEST CHAMPAGNE FOUND

JULY 19 WORLD'S OLDEST CHAMPAGNE FOUND

Today's blog comes from an unlikely location; a barren spot 200 feet below the surface of the murky BALTIC SEA. Here, near the remote ALAND ISLANDS between the shores of Sweden and Finland, a team of divers were investigating a sunken vessel. To their delight, the boat turned out to be much older than expected. Just like in a million 'Popeye' cartoons or 'James Bond' movies, the curious divers pried apart the wooden hull and discovered a long forgotten cargo. Although most items had deteriorated beyond recognition, a number of cartons were perfectly intact. Once finally hauled to the surface, everyone was amazed to find they contained two dozen bottles of champagne!

The thirsty crew wasted no time in uncorking a bottle, as it was already perfectly chilled to 35 degrees Fahrenheit. It was delicious! Or, as the diving crew captain CHRISTIAN EKSTROM put it: "It tasted fantastic. It was a sweet champagne, with a tobacco taste and oak, with overtones of yellow raisins." Once ashore, the precious cargo was taken away from the rowdy divers and examined by experts. It turns out the champagne hails from the CLIQUOT winery in Southwestern France, bottled around the year 1780. It was then shipped on a boat of unknown origin to St. Petersburg for the thirsty Russian aristocracy. The ship must have sank in one of the notorious storms that occasionally ravage the beastly Baltic. (NOTE: A French tabloid said it could be part of gift sent from French King LOUIS XVI to Russian czar PETER THE GREAT.)

So...you're asking...Is this REALLY the oldest bottles champagne on earth? Certainly, some French dude MUST have an older one. Nope! Prior to yesterday, the oldest champagne on earth was a 1825 bottle of PERRIER-JOULET. A new record has been set! And champagne enthusiasts have their mouths watering at the chance to taste it. But they'll have to wait. The bottles are now in a laboratory in France, where they are being examined. If the corks are reasonably intact, and the permanently cold Baltic waters served as a good enough wine cellar, the bottles will go up for sale.

Sorry, Schlaep. They are expected to cost $100,000 for EACH BOTTLE!

JULY 15 PAUL THE OCTOPUS TO RETIRE

JULY 15 PAUL THE OCTOPUS TO RETIRE

Well, the WORLD CUP is over. And, after every major sporting event, there were winners and losers. On the field, SPAIN kicked ass and FRANCE sucked eggs. In the stands, MULTI-CULTURES reigned supreme while VUVUZELAS ruined eardrums. In the media, scores of knowledgeable ex-players, coaches and columnists were humbled by a most unlikely soccer expert: PAUL THE ORACLE OCTOPUS.

Just who is Paul and why is he so darn famous? Here's Paul's amazing story: Only two years of age, Paul was born in the polluted waters of the Mediterranean. One day, he met a marine biologist and was taken to an upscale aquarium in Northern Germany called the OBERHAUSEN SEA LIFE CENTRE. One of his many talents is strategically using the suction cups on his tentacles to open clear plastic boxes containing food, to the delight of adoring crowds young and old. An aquarium worker, delirious with WORLD CUP FEVER, came up with a plan. Before a match, he would place two boxes in the tank, each with the flag of an opponent on them. Paul would then choose one over the other, thus predicting the outcome of the game. To the amazement of the entire world, Paul managed to pick EIGHT straight winners, including the final match with SPAIN over HOLLAND.

As we said earlier, with major sporting events, there are winners and losers. The winners love Paul and the losers hate him...or PULPO PAUL...as he is called in Madrid. In fact, Prime Minister ZAPATERO has donned him honorary Spanish citizenship. He is found on Spanish flags, bumper stickers and T-shirts. Italians love him too. They have repeatedly noted that he was originally found in Italian waters off the island of Elba. They insist his name is PAOLO, not Paul. Unfortunately, the losers are being vicious to poor Paul. A chef in BUENOS AIRES blamed the poor octopus for the ugly Argentine loss to Germany. He went on TV and placed an effigy of beloved Paul in a large blender and pureed him to bits. A priest in HOLLAND warned worshippers not to believe 'evil oracle.' Bookies in London blamed him for the losses they incurred. Who knew an octopus could create so much worldwide controversy?

People in Germany are mixed on the subject of the Oracle Octopus. While they love him as a hero, they still are feeling the pain of coming up a game short. Let's review Paul's prognostications. His first projection was in a match that didn't involve DIE MANNSHAFT, Germany's national team. His next four prophecies were all German victories, which lead to his national spotlight. When he chose Spain over Germany in the semi-final, things got dicey for poor Paul, but he managed to redeem himself in the THIRD PLACE game, when he chose Germany over Uruguay. By the time the Final came around, everyone in the world wanted to know what he would choose. He correctly chose SPAIN and rose to the worldwide status he now enjoys.

So why retire now? Aquarium workers in Germany are concerned that all this fame has gone to Paul's cephlapod head. Indeed, record crowds gathered in OBERHAUSEN for the feedings and officials had trouble staffing the events. And Paul seemed to know it! On his last show, our friend spent FIFTEEN MINUTES, swimming around the plastic boxes, pretending to open one or another, as fans hooped and hollered each tentacle's move. (Who does Paul think he is? LEBRON JAMES?) Anyhow, it's always best to go out on top, so we'll just have to enjoy the fortunate times we all got to spend together. I'm just glad this didn't all take place in California...see...we're not so weird after all!

NOTE: For those of you who still can't get enough of Paul, he has his own theme song on YOU-TUBE by famous Internet songwriter PARRY GRIPP. Be prepared for such great lyrics as "He picks a winner/when he eats his dinner."

JULY 7 THE SUPER-MODEL AND THE SUBPOENA

JULY 7 THE SUPER-MODEL AND THE SUBPOENA

People often ask me if I've read the latest JAMES PATTERSON crime novel or a STEIG LARSEN bestseller. I always respond the same way: I have no time for made-up-stories when the world presents so many actual, real-life events to read about. It's true, things that occur in the REAL WORLD are MUCH STRANGER THAN FICTION. And this week, the media brilliantly proved my point. A United Nations tribunal court in Holland slapped everyone's favorite super-model NAOMI CAMPBELL with a subpoena!

Those of us who follow the ridiculous day-to-day adventures of Ms. Campbell know she's often in trouble with the law. Usually, it's her infamous temper that gets her into trouble. Her last incident involved repeatedly striking a limo driver with a cell phone. (It was settled out of court). But this week's subpoena was different. Naomi is accused of possessing STOLEN BLOOD DIAMONDS from disgraced Liberian Dictator CHARLES TAYLOR.

Those of us who follow the ridiculous day-to-day adventures of Mr. Taylor know he's capable of just about anything. In fact, his life story would be a great 'made-for-TV' movie. Born and raised in Africa, Charles MacArthur Taylor went overseas and got a degree in Economics at Bentley College in Massachusetts. He returned to Liberia and became a finance minister. After embezzling a million dollars, he fled to the US only to be arrested. He escaped from a maximum-security prison by descending a 12-foot wall with a rope made from bed-sheets. Somehow, he made it to Libya. With Gaddafi's help, he returned to Liberia with a plan: Children would mine diamonds that he would sell for weapons. It worked splendidly! For six years he served as a corrupt president. Finally, under enormous pressure from US President George W. Bush, he fled in exile to (equally corrupt) Nigeria. When the pressure from the UN Courts finally got too great, he snuck out of his opulent seaside villa. However his luck had run out. Charles Taylor was apprehended in his Range Rover at the Cameroon border and taken to THE HAGUE for trial. He has been charged with 11 counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity.

So how did NAOMI CAMPBELL get involved? Years ago, when Charles Taylor was still accepted by the world community, he was in South Africa at a gala thrown by NELSON MANDELA. Our favorite super-model was also in attendance. It seems the dictator was so enthralled with Ms. Naomi's beauty that he arranged for her to receive one of his best BLOOD DIAMONDS as a token of his affections. Naomi insists she never received any such gifts. (In fact, when asked by a reporter, she broke his camera...just for good measure.) Anyhow, the prosecution in Holland is having a hard time tracking down any of Mr. Taylor's notorious diamonds. By subpoenaing Naomi, they hope the super-model will break down on the witness stand and give some hard evidence in the courtroom.

Will she crack? Will he plead? Stay tuned for more wacky adventures when the Naomi and Charles saga continues next month!