JUNE 24 WORLD CUP WINNERS AND LOSERS.. SO FAR!

JUNE 24 WORLD CUP WINNERS AND LOSERS.. SO FAR!

Everyone here at the DUNER BLOG has a severe case of WORLD CUP FEVER.  This means that instead of researching Ukrainian Election results, the staff is glued to the TV set, watching soccer.  With the first round coming to a close, bookies and casinos from Vegas to Vienna are scrambling to make sense of the early surprises and sudden eliminations.  Here's our esteemed opinion:


THE WINNERS:  Latin America.   The host Brazil is still the favorite to win the trophy, with impressive 3-to-1 odds.  Neighboring powerhouse Argentina is close behind at 4-to-1.  Also representing South America in the knockout round are Chile, Colombia, Ecuador and Uruguay.  Al toll, the host continent is an astounding 12-3 in first round games.  From Central America, Costa Rica surprised everyone by winning Group D.  Also joining the party is 'El Tri' from Mexico are going on.  Anyway you look at it, it is a great year for Latin America!

THE LOSERS:  European Teams.  There is an old adage:  'European teams only win European World Cups.'  It's true: nine of the ten times European nations have hosted the event, they have won...with the only exception coming way back in 1958.  The trend is continuing this year.  Aside France, Belgium and Holland, who impressively won their groups, only Germany and Greece have advanced.  Defending champion Spain...widely chosen to repeat...is flying home to Madrid today.

THE UNDERDOGS:  African Nations.  The seeding for spots in the World Cup is determined by a Power Index.  This measures each nation's win /loss record and their strength of schedule.  Using this formula, Europe gets thirteen teams and Africa gets only five.  Of these, Nigeria's Super Eagles and Algeria's Fennec Foxes have advanced to the next round.  Since no African team has ever made it further, this is a major accomplishment!  One major reason for Africa's recent upswing are their players' experience in the Big Leagues.  Ivory Coast's Didier Drogba was the leading scorer on Arsenal's Championship team.   Cameroon's Alex Song is a star on FC Barcelona.

OUR PREDICTION:  Argentina.  Today is Lionel Messi's 27th birthday.  He told us what he really wants: The World Cup trophy.  The four-time FIFA Player of the Year heads a talented group, all with impressive resumes.  Argentina's close proximity converts Brazilian stadiums into home field advantage. While it is foolish not to choose Brazil, we think the above trends will result in a proud victory for all of the Argentines and all of Latin America!

JUNE 19 NEW LAW TO ALLOW BUFFALO HUNTING IN ARIZONA

JUNE 19 NEW LAW TO ALLOW BUFFALO HUNTING IN ARIZONA

The Grand Canyon National Park is overrun with buffalo!  Hundreds of the massive, roaming mammals are on the prowl, with mischief on their minds.  And they are making a mess!  Clumsy buffalo are notorious for ruining riverbeds, trampling trees and bouncing boulders.  To solve the problem, rangers and volunteer shooters are enacting a culling.  Under the law, the Park Service is allowed to hunt bison to "preserve water resources, vegetation and fragile cliff dwellings."

One legislator wants to change that.  Last week, Senator by John McCain (R-Ariz) put forward some downright peculiar legislation in Congress. In short, he wants to allow anyone who kills bison to keep the meat. Under the current policy, the buffalo meat is distributed by wildlife agencies to tribes and local charities. With McCain's Sportsmen's Act, you get to keep your prize.  This will speed the process up and is endorsed by the Arizona Game & Fish Commission.

Confused?  Well, the state of Arizona is known for its crazy legislation.  But what concerns us at the DUNER BLOG is the welfare of the buffalo species in the USA.  For our foreign readers, here is a brief history of America vs the Bison.  For the first million years, bison thrived on the North American continent. Humans changed that. First, Native American tribes employed 'buffalo jumps.'  Stampeding herds were intentionally sent over steep cliffs.  By the 1830's Comanche tribes were killing about 280,000 buffalo a year.

However, this staggering figure was nothing compared to the white settlers. Unbelievably, the Federal Government encouraged bison hunting in the 1800's.  Buffalo herds on railway tracks resulted in long delays. Bison land could be better used for cattle.  Here's the process employed:  First, the animals were shot for game, often from the windows of trains.  Then, the carcasses were left on the prairies.  A year later, after they had sufficiently decomposed, the bones and skulls were gathered to make fertilizer.  It wasn't until 1876 when William "Buffalo Bill" Cody pushed Congress to act to protect the almost extinct species.

It's taken 150 years, but the Bison have recovered.  It's a miraculous story, but an unnecessary one.  See, the real reason the Feds wanted settlers to over-hunt buffalo was much more malicious: Without Bison,Native Americans cannot survive.  Eliminating buffalo was much easier than fighting wars with the Sioux and Comanche.   This dark side of American History needs to be acknowledged.  Then we can talk about how to best cook buffalo burgers!
  

JUN 11 THAI ARMY ORDERS PEOPLE TO BE HAPPY

JUN 11 THAI ARMY ORDERS PEOPLE TO BE HAPPY

Last month, the Thai army staged a coup d'etat and took control of our favorite Southeast Asian nation. It was the twelfth time since 1932 this unfortunate event has occurred in Thailand's history.  While disapproved by the West, most foreign governments understood the coup simply had to happen.  For the last decade, the nation has been crippled by a cycle of unfair elections, civilian protests and worker strikes.  It has paralyzed the once thriving country, with all commerce (including tourism) on a massive downturn.

The solution?  The army is mandating that all 66 million Thai citizens BE HAPPY.  Specifically, the campaign is called "Return Happiness to the People."  The military wants the citizenry to forget about the conflict of the last ten years.  So, leave your RED SHIRTS at home.  Forget about the picket signs.  Instead.. Come to a free concert and eat free food!  Why all the sudden generosity?  "We're trying to create an atmosphere to gain trust and build confidence," explained Army Spokesman Weerachon Sukondhapatipak.  "We just want people to relax."

Here's how the colonel will institute forced relaxation to the Thai people.  In addition to the weekly free concerts, you can get a free "Happy Haircut" at designated barbering centers.  Not your thing?  Maybe you like dancing?  So come to a park and watch scantily clad female dancers in camouflage miniskirts dance suggestively.  Too risque?  Well, then go to Downtown Bangkok and visit Horse Petting Zoo.  See! There is absolutely no excuse to be sad in Thailand.

In fact, the only people who are unhappy in Thailand today are the people who want a return to a civilian government.  "It's surreal," explained activist Pavin Chachavalpongpun.  "It's ridiculous to believe this will create an environment conducive to reconciliation."  He's probably right. Since last year's coup, the army has made vague statements alluding to an upcoming election.  But...in the meantime...it continues to round up any anti-government and anti-monarchists leaders and activists.

In summary, we here at the DUNER BLOG are suspicious of the Thai Army and their curious motives.  The "Bring Happiness To The People" movement is eerily similar to the 'Bread and Circus" campaigns of the Roman Empire.  However, at least the Army is trying.  They are instituting a proactive campaign.  Most armies around the world just stay locked up on bases and camps.  They don't go to the cities and dance in miniskirts.  We just hope Asia's coolest country straightens things out before we visit next year!  And.. THAT'S AN ORDER!

JUNE 3 TOP TEN WALK-UP SONGS IN BASEBALL

JUNE 3 TOP TEN WALK-UP SONGS IN BASEBALL

Recently, an Oakland A's baseball player has been gaining a lot of notoriety.  No, it's not for his hitting streak. Nor is it for his charity work.  Nope, people are talking about the music he plays in the stadium when he "walks up" to bat.  He chose the overly sappy 1980's ballad "Careless Whisper."  Never heard of 'walk-up music'?  It began in 1974 in St. Louis.  Hall of Famer Lou Brock wanted the Theme from S.H.A.F.T. blaring in the loudspeakers before he swung the bat.  Since then, it has evolved into a silly...yet special...part of of baseball.  Let's count down the TOP TEN:

#10. Careless Whisper, Josh Reddick, RF Oakland.  Why a ballad?  Josh claims it was an impulse. "Somebody had Pandora on shuffle in the clubhouse. I was like.. 'What would happen if I tried this?'"  What happened?  Well, Bay Area fans are kooky, and they began slow dancing in the stands.  Will there be more George Michael to come? "I know 'Freedom' and 'Wake Me Up [Before You Go-Go],'" Reddick pondered. "I'm not a huge Wham! fan, but, you know, I definitely respect what they did."

#9. Danza Kuduro, Jhonny Peralta, SS Detroit.  Did you know that 35% of Major League players are Latino?  Not surprisingly, artists like Pitbull, Fuego and Wisin y Yandel are really popular.  This reggaeton anthem is particularly banging.

#8 Kashmir, Chase Utley, 2B, Philadelphia. Fact: Led Zeppelin belongs on this list.  They are the undisputed masters of plodding, intense hard rock. In fact, Chase credits this song to a twenty-point rise in his batting average. (Baseball players are highly superstitious!)

#7. Paint It Black, Joey Votto, 1B Cincinnati. The Rolling Stones also belong on this list.  Prior to stepping into the batter's box, you want to hear Keith Richards' legendary guitar echoing around the stadium.

#6. Jesus Walks, Jesus Montero, C Seattle. In addition to Classic Rock, Hip-hop is also popular among ballplayers, and Kanye West tops the list.  We selected this track because we think it's funny that Jesus walks up to Jesus Walks.

#5. Seven Nation Army, Stephen Strasburg, P Washington.   Also popular among College Bands, this White Stripes song is heavy on menacing bass guitar.  "It will still rock ten years from now," he explains. Stephen knows that when you associate yourself with threatening song, the opposition will quiver with fear!

#4. Crazy Train, Lonnie Chisenhall, 3B, Cleveland.  This track is popular in many other sports too.  It can be heard blaring in hockey arenas and NASCAR tracks as well.  These days, Ozzy Osborne is finally respected for his music instead of being hated as an Antichrist.

#3. Three Little Birds, Shane Victorino, LF Boston.  We salute Hawaiian native Shane for not selecting an ominous and threatening walk-up song.  Rather, Shane prefers uplifting reggae.   The fans at Fenway Park keep singing "Don't worry...'Bout a Thing" long after the PA system has stopped playing it.  "You live for those moments," explained the die-hard Bob Marley fan.

 #2. Welcome To The Jungle, Carlos Beltran, CF, St. Louis.  We wonder if Guns-N-Roses wrote this just be a walk-up song.  Slash's angry electric guitar riffs and Duff McKagan's drums seem to beat in time with a ballplayer's step as he approaches the plate.

#1. Enter Sandman, Mariano Rivera, P New York Yankees.  OK!  OK! We know Mariano retried last year.  But... If you've ever been at Yankee Stadium when The Sandman enters...you know what we mean!  The first Metalica chords begin thumping as he the bullpen doors open. Chin out, he proudly trots to the mound as the crowd roars in jubilation for their hero.  It's electric!

MAY 28 NEW UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT HAS A TOUGH JOB

MAY 28 NEW UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT HAS A TOUGH JOB

The final results are not yet available, but exit polls have overwhelmingly concluded the PETRO POROSHENKO is the new President of the Ukraine.  His 58% means a majority has been reached, and there will not be a run-off.  Things have been very complicated in the Ukraine this year, so we here at the DUNER BLOG thought we'd try to straighten things out for our readers.  Let's open the mail!

Wasn't the DUNER BLOG supporting the opposition?  Lisa in Lima.  Guilty as charged.  But the only reason we love YULIA TYMOSCHENKO so much is her hair.  The intricacies of her braids is truly mesmerizing.  Admittedly, we know very little of her politics, but we admire her integrity.  Although she finished second place among 19 candidates, Yulia only accounted by 12.8% of the popular vote.  Rather than cry and demand a recount...she declared the outcome "democratic" and will not contest it.

What is NOVOROSSIYA? Ben in Boston. After the successful annexation of Crimea, Russia continued adding sections of Eastern Ukraine as well.  According to Putin, these Russian speaking provinces have voted to secede from Kiev and have formed a new nation.  It's called Novorossiya, or "New Russia."  The West does not recognize the state, and Poroshenko's first order of action is to visit this region.

How do Petro and Putin get along? Their names are similar!  Frank in Frankfurt.  We noticed that too, Frank!  We can't find any records of the two men going on vodka benders or hunting moose together...but we do have high hopes for a close friendship.  See, Petro is a pragmatist: "Russia is our neighbor.  Relations with them has been Ukraine's greatest importance for the last 200 years."  He has already initiated formal talks with the Russian Federation.

Why is Petro called the 'Chocolate King?' Jan in Jakarta. Prior to becoming President, Petro was a wildly successful businessman.  When the Iron Curtain was lifted over Ukraine in 1991, he shrewdly began negotiating with African nations to directly import cocoa beans.  Twenty years later, his Roshen Brand chocolate bar is the top seller in both Russia and the Ukraine.

How do Obama and the West feel about Petro? Kareena in Kolkata.  The US leaders called Poroshenko's victory "another important step to unify the country."  While the millions of world maps and atlases will still show Ukraine's borders as those drawn in 1991...in reality...they have changed.  It will take Obama awhile to realize this.  Thankfully, Petro and Putin already have and want to move forward to the future.  We wish the best for the Ukraine and hope the bread basket of Europe will reach new heights!

MAY 21 MEET INDIA'S NEW PRIME MINISTER, NARENDRA MODI

MAY 21 MEET INDIA'S NEW PRIME MINISTER, NARENDRA MODI

Here is a story you might have missed:  Last week, the biggest election in the history of mankind took place.  OK...every national election in India sets this record...but this one is of particular interest.  See, the result was the largest landslide since 1984.  The winning BJP Party now has 332 of the 543 seats in Parliament. But..forget the numbers...the real story here is Narendra Modi. This charismatic new Prime Minister has taken the subcontinent by storm.  Let's cover five important topics:

Humble Childhood.  Born in 1950, Modi is the first Prime Minister not born during the British Empire. Although three years independent, India was still dreadfully poor, especially in rural Gujarat.  The son of a tea peddler, Nerndra went to work before he went to school.  At age 18, he married a fellow villager, as arranged by their parents five year prior.  (It didn't work out and they divorced.)

Modinomics.  Asia's third largest economy needs a boost.  The solution?  MODI-NOMICS.  It's a combination of market reforms, increased foreign investment and road and rail projects.  Sounds pretty slick, doesn't it?  It is.  The Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) modeled the program after American concepts.  In fact, the BJP is credited with launching India's first modern political campaign.  Modi flew 300,000 kilometers to attend 457 rallies.  In short, the media-savvy Modi ran circles around his opponent.

Gandhi is Gone.  The losing candidate we speak of is none other than RAHUL GANDHI.  The great grandson of Mahatma Gandhi (the founding father of India) barely managed to win his home seat of Amethi. Why such a poor showing?  Well, the irony of this election is the shift in political parties in India. Rahul enjoyed a posh, wealthy upbringing, despite his hardworking last name.  The truth is the Congress Party of India has lost touch with the poor people they used to represent.

Hindu Nationalism. Since the landslide victory, the Indian Stock Exchange has jumped a resounding six percent.  The Rupee broke the elusive 59 mark to the dollar for the first time in eleven years.  However, forgotten in all this pandemonium are Modi's links to the Rashtriya Swayamsvak Sangh (RSS).  This pro-Hindu paramilitary group is at odds with India's 120 million Muslims.  In 2002, religious riots killed 1,000 people in Gujarat.  As governor of the state, Modi did little to stop the bloodshed.  In response, the US refused to grant him a travel visa.  NOTE: Obama has since lifted the ban.

His Adorable Mother. Throughout the lengthy campaign, Modi often mentioned his impoverished upbringing.  While his father has since passed, his 95-year-old mother is very much alive.  She was the subject of many an interview and photo op.  Today, Indians have come to love the matriarch.  On Election Day, sweet Hiraben Modi rode a rickety old rickshaw to her polling place.  "The country will grow," she proclaimed.  "My blessings are here!"

MAY 13 THE SULTAN OF BRUNEI IS INSANE

MAY 13 THE SULTAN OF BRUNEI IS INSANE

It was an incredulous scene over the weekend at the BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL.  The rich and famous left their mansions and came to protest.  First, Jay Leno showed up with the bullhorn.  Then, Ellen DeGeneres and Sharon Osborne arrived with angry picket signs.  Next...around noon...the CEO's showed up with food. Virgin boss Richard Branson brought coffee and Dreamworks head Jeffrey Katzenberg got donuts.

OKAY...we might have stretched the truth a little...but the anger is real.  See, the famed BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL has just been purchased by Dorchester Group.  This multinational chain is owned by Hassanal Bolkiah, the evil Sultan of Brunei.  Why are Hollywood celebs so mad at him?  Let's examine his three most audacious actions:

SHARIA LAW.  There are many versions of Sharia Law around the world, and very few have anything to do with the Koran.  In Brunei, it's a three-stage process.  On May First, all unmarried...yet pregnant...women were jailed.  The second phase begins in December.  Crimes like theft and robbery will be punished by flogging and severing of the limbs.  Finally...at the end of 2015...Sodomy and Adultery will become capital offenses.  (Death by stoning).  Since independence in 1980, it has always been illegal to say anything remotely negative about the Royal family.

THE HAREM.  What infuriates Jay Leno the most about the Sultan of Brunei is his amazing lack of integrity.  On one hand, he mandates antiquated, overly conservative laws in the name of Islam.  On the other hand, he maintains a private harem with dozens of beautiful women for his own pleasure.  It's like ABC's hit TV show The Bachelor, but with sex. Just ask Jillian Lauren, a former Miss USA contestant. She applied to be an escort, but the actual job was prostitution.  She described: "lavish parties every night. At these parties there was drinking (which was not legal), dancing, some fairly hilarious karaoke, and, most important, women—about 30 or 40 beauties from all over the world."  Hmm...  That doesn't sound very pious to me!

HIS MATERIALISM.  With vast petroleum reserves in a country the size of Delaware, the money pours into tiny Brunei.  Forbes ranks it as the 4th wealthiest nation (per capita).  But it comes with a twist: “With their money, they could have cured diseases." reported the magazine.  "But they have little interest in the rest of humanity.”  Here are some of the Sultan's prize possessions, according to the New York Post: He has the world's largest car collection, with some 9,000 cars (including two custom-made Mercedes-Benz firetrucks).  He owns 150 homes in 12 countries and has 17 private airplanes to reach them.  With 1,800 rooms, his palace, the Istana Nurul Iman, is the largest private building on earth.

See?  Ellen DeGeneres is mad for a reason.  Unfortunately, the picket lines at the BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL will only hurt low-income maids, and won't hurt the Sultan in the slightest.  Nonetheless, the point has been made.  Finally, you're asking yourself: Why don't the citizens of Brunei rise up against the Sultan?  Well...if you had free health care, free universities, no taxes and zero-interest loans...would you be mad?