MAR 30 INSIDE KIM JONG UN'S ARMORED TRAIN

MAR 30 INSIDE KIM JONG UN'S ARMORED TRAIN

It's shaping up to be a most busy year for North Korea's reclusive tyrant KIM JONG UN. On April 27th, he is scheduled to meet with South Korean President Moon Jae-In. It will take place in the oddly named 'Freedom House' in the Demilitarized Zone. Later in the year, there are plans to meet with quixotic US President Donald Trump. To prepare for these auspicious summits, Kim Jong headed to Beijing to meet his only ally in the world, Chinese President-for-life Xi. Since this is the hermit dictator's first international trip since assuming power in 2011, the visit to China is indeed historic.

But...speaking of historic...you should see how Kim Jong travels: In a 70-year old Pullman-style railway car. It's pulled by an iron beast of a locomotive painted dark green with bold yellow stripes. Why does he do this? Well, it's not known if the current North Korean dictator is afraid of flying. But his father and grandfather certainly were. Hence, they traveled in a specifically designed, heavily-armored, bullet-proof Super Train. It's hard to find details of this railway wonder, but here's what we've pieced together.

We do know the train's route. After departing Pyongyang, it meanders through the mountains. Next, it stops at Dandong, a remote border city on the Yalu River. It then chugs through two dozen closed stations in Manchuria before reaching the Main Train Station in Beijing. Satellites tell us there are 21 total cars, as the Dear Leader needs lots of protection and pampering. This means the train is extremely heavy, so its average speed is just 37 MPH (60 KPH). So the 685-mile journey takes about 19 hours to complete.

Details about the interior of the mystery train are harder to come by. Photos show a dated, but lavish, furniture in plush conference rooms. Flat screen TVs and maps of Korea adorn the walls. Our only first-hand descriptions of the inside of the train come from Konstantin Pulikovshy, a former Russian diplomat. In a NY Times interview, he recalled a visit to Moscow by Kim Jong Il in 2001. Live lobsters and cases of Bordeaux wines were served. "It was possible to order any dish of Russian, Chinese, Korean, Japanese and French cuisine," he noted. Unverified reports tell of a crew of gorgeous, scantily-clad female conductors. Think of it is as a Playboy Mansion on rails.

While it's fun to poke a KIM JONG UN's many idiosyncrasies, we here at the DUNER BLOG are happy he is at least using his mystery train. This means the man is going places and talking to people. Aside from war, this is the only method that will work to solve the many problems he creates. Let's face it: He controls twenty-five million people who are brainwashed. Most live close to poverty but actually think they are the envy of the world. A mind is a terrible thing to waste!