JULY 15 PAUL THE OCTOPUS TO RETIRE

JULY 15 PAUL THE OCTOPUS TO RETIRE

Well, the WORLD CUP is over. And, after every major sporting event, there were winners and losers. On the field, SPAIN kicked ass and FRANCE sucked eggs. In the stands, MULTI-CULTURES reigned supreme while VUVUZELAS ruined eardrums. In the media, scores of knowledgeable ex-players, coaches and columnists were humbled by a most unlikely soccer expert: PAUL THE ORACLE OCTOPUS.

Just who is Paul and why is he so darn famous? Here's Paul's amazing story: Only two years of age, Paul was born in the polluted waters of the Mediterranean. One day, he met a marine biologist and was taken to an upscale aquarium in Northern Germany called the OBERHAUSEN SEA LIFE CENTRE. One of his many talents is strategically using the suction cups on his tentacles to open clear plastic boxes containing food, to the delight of adoring crowds young and old. An aquarium worker, delirious with WORLD CUP FEVER, came up with a plan. Before a match, he would place two boxes in the tank, each with the flag of an opponent on them. Paul would then choose one over the other, thus predicting the outcome of the game. To the amazement of the entire world, Paul managed to pick EIGHT straight winners, including the final match with SPAIN over HOLLAND.

As we said earlier, with major sporting events, there are winners and losers. The winners love Paul and the losers hate him...or PULPO PAUL...as he is called in Madrid. In fact, Prime Minister ZAPATERO has donned him honorary Spanish citizenship. He is found on Spanish flags, bumper stickers and T-shirts. Italians love him too. They have repeatedly noted that he was originally found in Italian waters off the island of Elba. They insist his name is PAOLO, not Paul. Unfortunately, the losers are being vicious to poor Paul. A chef in BUENOS AIRES blamed the poor octopus for the ugly Argentine loss to Germany. He went on TV and placed an effigy of beloved Paul in a large blender and pureed him to bits. A priest in HOLLAND warned worshippers not to believe 'evil oracle.' Bookies in London blamed him for the losses they incurred. Who knew an octopus could create so much worldwide controversy?

People in Germany are mixed on the subject of the Oracle Octopus. While they love him as a hero, they still are feeling the pain of coming up a game short. Let's review Paul's prognostications. His first projection was in a match that didn't involve DIE MANNSHAFT, Germany's national team. His next four prophecies were all German victories, which lead to his national spotlight. When he chose Spain over Germany in the semi-final, things got dicey for poor Paul, but he managed to redeem himself in the THIRD PLACE game, when he chose Germany over Uruguay. By the time the Final came around, everyone in the world wanted to know what he would choose. He correctly chose SPAIN and rose to the worldwide status he now enjoys.

So why retire now? Aquarium workers in Germany are concerned that all this fame has gone to Paul's cephlapod head. Indeed, record crowds gathered in OBERHAUSEN for the feedings and officials had trouble staffing the events. And Paul seemed to know it! On his last show, our friend spent FIFTEEN MINUTES, swimming around the plastic boxes, pretending to open one or another, as fans hooped and hollered each tentacle's move. (Who does Paul think he is? LEBRON JAMES?) Anyhow, it's always best to go out on top, so we'll just have to enjoy the fortunate times we all got to spend together. I'm just glad this didn't all take place in California...see...we're not so weird after all!

NOTE: For those of you who still can't get enough of Paul, he has his own theme song on YOU-TUBE by famous Internet songwriter PARRY GRIPP. Be prepared for such great lyrics as "He picks a winner/when he eats his dinner."