JAN 29 OBAMA'S PRESIDENTIAL LIMO IS A BEAST

JAN 29 OBAMA'S PRESIDENTIAL LIMO IS A BEAST

Over the weekend, President Obama visited Indian President Modi in New Delhi. The occasion was Republic Day...when the world's largest democracy was born. To celebrate, finely decorated camels proudly paraded in front of Punjabi paratroopers. Barack and Michelle looked on in pure amazement. However...later in the ceremony...things were reversed. It was the people of Delhi who looked at the Obamas in pure amazement. Why? Because The Prez cruised down under India Gate in one helluva cool Cadillac Limousine. Not familiar with The Beast? Here's a quick primer..

It has its own plane. I'm sure you were already wondering... How does Obama get The Beast to India in the first place? Well, the Secret Service has a specially designed C-17 GlobeMaster aircraft. Its sole purpose is to carry Limo One anywhere President Obama travels.

It isn't a Cadillac.  Although The Beast has Escalade tail lights, trim and rims, the rest of the vehicle is pieced together from other Chevrolet models. The chassis and engine are from the Chevy Kodiak, which is mostly used for commercial dump trucks. The transmission is from a sports car. All in all, it adds up to one of the most expensive cars in the world: $1.5 million dollars each.

It has a desk.  The most powerful man in the free world needs an office...even when he is driving. Part of the interior folds down to create a four-foot long work space. It's linked directly to a military satellite through a SATCOM dome on the roof.

It is extremely well protected. Let's check on the specs on Limo One. It has five-inch thick, multi-layered bulletproof glass. The tires are Kevlar-reinforced and can never go flat. Nuclear strength foam protects the gas tank. Armor plating on the door is eight inches thick...which is twice as thick as as an airplane's exterior. Put this all together and you have ten tones of protection.

It guzzles gas. Despite having a Dura-max Diesel engine, The Beast is not fuel efficient. We're talking a paltry eight miles to the gallon! Despite this, and the extreme weight, The Beast can really fly! It can go from zero to sixty MPH in just fifteen seconds...in case Barack needs to get away really fast..

It has a sample of Barack's blood. Be careful if you're rummaging around the trunk of Limo One. Next to the oxygen tanks, shot guns, grenade launchers and tear gas containers, you'll find a red box. Inside is a sample of the President's blood. See, you never know what the evil Bio-Terrorists are planning. Like the Boy Scouts say... Be Prepared!

It has a new license plate. Last year, The Beast sported a license plate for the first time. (Not that any Highway Patrol officer would pull the Presidential Limo over!)  Nonetheless, Barack wanted to make a statement, so a Washington, DC plate was affixed. "Taxation Without Representation" is the motto on the bottom of all DC plates, which references the fact that the 700,000 residents of the nation's capital still cannot vote. NOTE: With the Republicans in control of both houses of Congress, this will not change soon!

JAN 22 ONE TREE IN GUINEA IS THE SOURCE OF EBOLA EPIDEMIC

JAN 22 ONE TREE IN GUINEA IS SOURCE OF EBOLA EPIDEMIC

One of last year's top stories was the dreaded EBOLA EPIDEMIC. Eight thousand people died worldwide. An astounding two of the deaths were in America...so naturally a media-fueled panic engulfed the nation. Media outlets whipped up a frenzy of foreboding stories and dire predictions. With the help of social media, insane rumors somehow seemed credible. Here's an example: Ebola is a Bio-Weapon unleashed by ISIS that will kill millions of Americans daily. While this is creative, it is not even close to being true.

The Ebola scare lead to many unfortunate stereotypes about the African continent in the American psyche. As the source of the deadly disease without a cure, many newscasters and politicians called for immediate suspension of all incoming flights from Africa. Andrea Tantaros of Fox News quipped: "We cannot trust people from Africa to be truthful about their activities, so they are not allowed to come here." Late night comedians took it a step further: "If Santa stops by West Africa before coming to New York.. I'm boarding my chimney up!" Ouch!

Let's fast-forward to the present. Now that the quarantines have ended, the scientists are sorting out how this horrid epidemic began. Was is a sordid cesspool of human waste in Lagos? Nope. How about rotting wildebeest carcasses in Mali? Wrong again. Thankfully, epidemiologist Fabian Leendertz has the answer. He has located the exact spot where the epidemic began. It's a Red Ironwood tree in the village of Meliandou in the nation of Guinea. Now that's precise!

Here's what happened. This tree is infested with Angolan free-tailed bats (Mops Condyluras). Naturally, the children of the nearby village love to hurl rocks at it. One kid came into contact with a bat (or as the locals call them: Mice That Fly) and contracted the Ebola virus. How does Fabian know this? He tested all possible animal carriers of the Ebola virus. This included thirteen other bat species as well as duikers (small antelope), chimps and monkeys. He then cross referenced the spread of the virus on a map and found this tree. What a cool scientist!

We here at the DUNER BLOG want Americans to get a more rational view of Africa. With more land in the tropics than any other continent, unique animal species have evolved there. Some are loved outside of Africa. For example, zebras and giraffes. These animals are imported to zoos, made into cartoon characters and inspire millions of stuffed toys. However, the Angolan Free-tailed bat...a unique species found also only in Africa...falls into the other category: A feared creature from a strange land. C'mon! You can't love the butterfly and disrespect the caterpillar. Africa is a treasure. Let's respect all her wondrous creatures!

 

JAN 14 TOP TEN BULLET TRAINS WORLDWIDE

JAN 14 TOP TEN BULLET TRAINS WORLDWIDE

Last Tuesday, California Governor Jerry Brown went to Fresno for a most important event. He attended the groundbreaking ceremonies for California's High Speed Rail Project. Soon, it will take around two hours to get from San Francisco to Los Angeles. To celebrate the first bullet train in the Western Hemisphere, we will list the TOP TEN BULLET TRAINS routes currently in operation.

#10. TGV  Paris-Marseilles. In the 1960's, France was drunk in the technology craze. Engineers designed underwater cars, hovercraft buses and high speed trains. While the first two ideas failed, the très grande vitesse (very high speed) train became a source of French pride when it opened in 1981.

#9. Afrosiyob.  Tashkent - Samarkand. When Marco Polo traveled between these two cities in the year 1265, it took weeks. Nowadays, Uzbek Rail can do the task in just over two hours. In a region deemed unsafe for air travel, this is a welcome sight. And...at just $25 for a one-way trip...it is the least expensive on the list.

#8. THSR  Taipei - Kaohsiung. When Taiwan's High Speed Rail opened in 2007, it did more than just whisk folks around an island. It also improved strained relations with Japan. A joint project with the motorcycle giant Kawasaki resulted the coolest looking trains you'll ever see!

#7. Talgo  Madrid - Barcelona. A similar story of a bullet train uniting cultures happened the next year in Spain. High speed rail means that Catalonia and Castile are now just two and a half hours apart. With seventeen El Pato (the duck) trains daily, communications between the two regions are improving.

#6. ICE  Frankfort - Cologne. Germany was slow to join the High Speed craze, but nowadays, it boast the second fastest train on earth. At 279 MPH, it takes less than an hour to link the two important cities.

#5. KTX.  Seoul - Pusan. Whoop! Whoop! Gangnam Station! From here, you can board the Korea Express. Constructed with a curious mix of public and private funding, ticket prices are fixed: Exactly half the current plane fare. The beautiful scenery becomes a blur when the top speed of 217 MPH is reached.

#4. Italo.  Rome - Milan. As everyone knows, Italians like to go fast. Hence, they invented the "Ferrari of the Rails," the Alta Velocità. It holds the record for the fastest all time rail speed of  356 MPH. There were no passengers...only terrified squirrels...as it accelerated through Emilia-Romagna.

#3. HSR.  Beijing - Shanghai. This train is the future of rail travel. Using Maglev technology, it levitates above the tracks. There are no vibrations whatsoever! This baby also achieves the top speed to legally travel on land: 302 MPH. In a nation that clearly represents the world's economic future, the HSR is the backbone.

#2. Eurostar.  London - Paris. Since Roman times, the crossing of the English Channel has been an issue. In the 1500's, Leonardo da Vinci proposed a floating bridge. Napoleon envisioned a platoon system. Then, in 1994, the world's longest undersea tunnel officially opened. It is truly a marvel showing how humans can overcome any obstacle!

#1. Shinkansen.  Tokyo - Osaka. Last year, the world's first bullet train celebrated its 50th anniversary. In 1964, Japan joined the jet age in spectacular fashion, whisking people past Mount Fuji at 275 MPH. Since then, over ten billion passengers have boarded the first and the best. However, perhaps the most impressive statistic is the average delay: Thirty-six seconds. Now that's efficiency!

JAN 6 NEW BOND 'GIRL' IS 50 YEARS OLD

JAN 6 NEW BOND 'GIRL' IS 50 YEARS OLD

We here at the DUNER BLOG thought we would start 2015 with a light-hearted topic: BOND GIRLS. Specifically, the twenty-fourth installment of the famous spy series will hit theaters November 6th. To drum up publicity, EON STUDIOS announced the name of the gorgeous, sultry actress tabbed to play the female lead...A.K.A....the new BOND GIRL. Imagine our surprise, when Italian hottie Monica Bellucci was announced.

Why the surprise? Because Monica is not a 'Girl.' In fact, she's fifty years old! This surpasses 39 year-old MAUD ADAMS who played Octopussy back in 1983. Never heard of a BONG GIRL? See, in every James Bond movie, secret agent #007 seduces outrageously sexy ladies. It's simple. First, he gives a debonair glance and delivers a corny pick-up line. (NOTE: Don't ever try to use one in real life.. You'll get slapped!) In the next scene, they exit the casino and head to the club. After a quick dance, it's off to James' suite for sexy time.

To learn more, we here at the DUNER BLOG conducted copious research. We watched all 24 movies and determined that Secret Agent #007 romances 4.2 women per movie. Actor ROGER MOORE was the most sexually active, bedding six beauties in A VIEW TO A KILL alone. (NOTE: These included Playboy model Tanya Roberts and singer Grace Jones!) Actor SEAN CONNERY comes in second place on the list with 3.6 babes per movie. Current Bond actor DANIEL CRAIG only averages two chicks. Hey! That's almost monogamy!

Author IAN FLEMING was a self-proclaimed chauvinist, as evidenced by the overtly sexist character names of female characters in the James Bond novels and short stores. Some names are coy and alluring, like Mary Goodnight and Kissy Suzuki. Others are playful and fun: Jenny Flex and Plenty O'Toole. Others are downright graphic and naughty; Pussy Galore and Honey Rider. Unfortunately, the lead female character in the 2015 movie 'Spectre' is named Lucia Sciarra. Yawn.

Which brings us back to our original topic: Monica Bellucci. Fans of foreign film remember her as the passionate Alessia in Remember Me, My Love. Action movie fans know her as the leather-clad, werewolf-slaying Persephone in the Matrix movies. This combination makes Monica a natural for a Bond Girl. As to her age, her casting shows that the target age group for 007 audiences has changed. In the swinging '60's and '70's, suave Secret Agents were teen favorites. However, in the 2000's, Marvel superheroes and Hunger Games archers dominate the coveted kid market. Today, Bond movies are for men in their fifties... so Monica makes complete sense. We look forward to seeing her on the big screen!

DEC 18 IS CUBA NOW OPEN FOR US TOURISM?

DEC 18 IS CUBA NOW OPEN FOR US TOURISM?

For American adventure travelers, yesterday's announcement that the US and Cuba would be resuming relations came as GREAT NEWS! We instantly began plotting our next vacation to the tropical isle of splendor. Not surprisingly, numerous readers also began plotting their next vacation, and sent us a slew of questions. So let's get started..

What happened yesterday in Washington? Pete, Pittsburgh. For the last year, Obama, Raul Castro and the Pope have been conducting secret meetings in Canada.  Yesterday's announcement that Cuba / USA relations were being restored was a culmination of these talks. When first elected, we here at the DUNER BLOG had high hopes for the Obama Administration's foreign policy with regards to the Third World. It took six years, but he is finally delivering on campaign promises.

Can I leave for Cuba tomorrow? Biff, New York. Don't pack those bag just yet, Biff! Since losing control of Congress, Obama has since relied heavily on executive orders to get things done. This is no exception. However, in order to lift the actual travel ban, we need Congressional approval. Sigh! Some Republicans, like Jeb Bush, have recently called for strengthening of the ban. Stay tuned..

Is Cuba ready for American tourists? Jim, Buffalo. Ready and willing, Jim! Since the fall of the USSR in 1991, financial aid to Cuba disappeared and the nation opened its doors to European and Canadian tourists. After getting the obligatory tourist card at the airport, visitors are free to explore the entire island. Except...of course...Guantanamo Bay. Last year, about two million tourists visited Cuba, which is slightly more than the totals for neighboring Jamaica.

How is the Travel Industry responding? Paul, Oakland. They are showing cautious optimism. "We look forward to the day...hopefully soon...when all Americans have the opportunity to travel to Cuba," said Orbitz CEO Barney Harford. Currently, JetBlue and American Airlines offer charter services for those industrious enough to fight through the paperwork. We see many more carriers joining soon. We are also hopeful that the famed Miami - Havana Ferry Service will resume after 55 years!

When will I be able to buy Cuban cigars and Havana Club Rum? Greg, San Jose. Finally...the most important question! Unfortunately, it will not be any time soon. Like the travel ban, resolutions involving trade will also require Congressional approval. We here at the DUNER BLOG encourage our readers to write to their representatives and demand the Cuba Ban be lifted now. Si se puede!

DEC 11 PROPER ETIQUETTE FOR MEETING ROYALTY

DEC 11 PROPER ETIQUETTE FOR MEETING ROYALTY

At first, it seemed like any other photo op for LeBron James. Over the past decade, he has posed for thousands of pictures...and not just with basketball fans. He's been snapped with admiring politicians, famous movie stars, hip-hop heroes...even President Obama. However, this time, Big #23 was taking a photo with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. LeBron made a huge faux pas when he put his arm around Kate Middleton. Instantly, British tabloids erupted. The Independent called it a "blatant disregard for protocol." The Guardian called it "gauche."

To help our readers avoid the same embarrassment suffered by LeBron, we here at the DUNER BLOG have some handy tips for meeting Royalty for the first time.

The Invitation.  First of all, the Queen doesn't invite people to events. She commands them to attend. Here's how the process works: You'll receive written correspondence from the proper staff member. The Lord Stewart of the Household oversees banquets. The Master of the Household handles funeral and memorial services, while the Lost Chamberlain organizes Garden Parties and Weddings. It will arrive via ROYAL MAIL.

Your Reply.   Don't send a text saying: C U then. According to Debrett's in London, your reply should be in this written form: "Sir Duner and Lady Godiva present their compliments to the Lord Chamberlain, and have the honour to obey her Majesty's command to the luncheon on April Second." NOTE: Do not refuse any command from the Queen. If you absolutely must decline, illness is the only acceptable excuse.

The Greeting.  When you approach royalty, men should bow and ladies should curtsy. Just make sure you do them correctly. A bow shall be "an inclination of the head, not from the waist." Likewise, the curtsy should be a "discreet but dignified bob." Both gestures should never be "prolonged or exaggerated." Needless to say, High Fives and Fist Pumps are not allowed.

Your Language.  When in the company of royalty, be sure to alter your vernacular. See, before you say anything to the Queen of England, you must always first employ her title: Your Majesty. Subsequent references use 'Ma'am' (rhymes with Pam). If you have to introduce your friend to a monarch, you say: "May I present Lord Disick, Your Majesty." You should always refer from shaking hands, kissing cheeks or touching any member of a Royal House.

Your Toast.  If your engagement with the Queen is going swimmingly, you might feel the need to raise a glass and toast her. Don't embarrass yourself with your usual toast: 'Over the lips; past the gums. Watch out stomach, here it comes! Chug!.' Nope, you'll impress her by first praying for silence, then announcing your intent to propose a Loyalty Toast. Be sure to name all royalty present by rank. Queen, Duke of Edinburgh, Prince of Wales, Duke & Duchess of Cambridge all require notice. If you're in Lancaster or the Channel Islands, different rules apply.

Your Departure.  Don't be like LeBron and run to the locker room. Have dignity and request permission to withdraw from the Duke. Then, thank them for allowing you in their presence. Finally, you must bow or curtsy appropriately, then leave.

See? You're all set. Next time royalty comes knocking, you'll be prepared!

DEC 2 MOSES EXODUS MOVIE HAS ALL WHITE CAST

DEC 2 EXODUS: GODS & KINGS MOVIE HAS ALL WHITE CAST

It's still six days before the blockbuster EXODUS: GODS & KINGS hits theaters, but the film is already gaining a ton of publicity. Unfortunately for Twenty-First Century Fox, it's not the good type of hype. Specifically, many people are questioning the casting of an all white cast for the Biblical film. Here are the main characters: Christian Bale (born in Wales) is Moses. Joel Edgerton (an Aussie) is Ramses. Native New Yorker Sigourney Weaver is Tuya.

Things got worse for the promoters when 21st Century Fox owner RUPERT MURDOCH took to Twitter to defend his film. "Since when are Egyptians not white? All I know are." Within minutes, tens of thousands took to social media to lambaste the 83-year-old media mogul. ("He's so old, he probably knew the ancient Egyptians!" quipped one person.) For historians, this debate has been going on for centuries, without much resolution. We know for sure that Jesus did not have blond hair and blue eyes. Aside from that, however, there is little conclusion about the skin color of the ancient Egyptians and Hebrews.

To add to the debate, Hollywood cinematographers have a long history of having white people portray other ethnicities. From Al Jolson's black face to Mickey Rooney's horrendous Mr. Yunioshi, Hollywood has a chequered past when it comes to casting non-white roles. While TODAY it's rare to see white actors cast as Latinos, Blacks or Asians...for some reason...when it comes to the Middle East, things are different. For example: No one cared when Chicago-born Charleton Heston played Moses the first time around.

It seems times are changing. The current backlash against Murdoch is reminiscent of the rousting encountered when Californian Jake Gyllenhaal starred in the Disney film Prince of Persia. While both actors defended their roles, at least these two are positive images of the Middle Easterners. For the most part, Arab terrorists have replaced Nazi generals and Soviet spies as the top villains in today's blockbusters. This part of the world has a long road ahead in terms of pop culture acceptance.

The final say in the debate comes to us from the pragmatic director Ridley Scott. When asked his opinion, he brought up the point that the only famous actor from Egypt is Omar Sharif. "I can't mount a film of this budget, where I have to rely on tax rebates in Spain, and say that my lead actor is Mohammad so-and-so. I'm just not going to get it financed." Ridley is right. At the end of the day, some movies are just about entertainment...not social statements. So head to the IMAX next weekend for fun!