JUNE 27 ORACLE CEO ELLISON BUYS HAWAIIAN ISLAND OF LANAI

JUNE 27 ORACLE CEO LARRY ELLISON BUYS ISLAND OF LANAI

Remember the 1982 movie "Caddyshack?"  In those days, millionaires bought planes, yachts and mansions to show off their amazing wealth.  Boy, have times changed.  First of all it's multi-billionaires...not millionaires.  Also, simple little things like boats and jets aren't nearly big enough to demonstrate one's astounding monetary value.  Nope...these days, billionaires are buying islands.  Last year, Virgin Atlantic's chairman RICHARD BRANSON bought Neckar Island in the Caribbean.  So, it just came as no surprise last week when Oracle CEO LARRY ELLISON announced he had bought the Hawaiian island of Lanai.

The first question you must be asking yourself is: Does he really own the entire island of Lanai?  The answer: Pretty darn close.  The Public Utilities Commission has given "internal approval" for the plan which would give Ellison ownership of 98% of the island's 141 square miles.  This includes two Four Seasons Resorts, two golf courses and fifty miles of beaches. The next thing you're asking yourself is: What is on Lanai anyhow?  Anything other than pineapples?  Well...it's true...Lanai was first purchased by JAMES DOLE in 1922 and used solely as a plantation.   The tasty fruit still grows on the open fields, but the main economy is tourism.  Today, most of the island's 3,200 residents work in this sector. So...aside from a store, post office and no traffic lights...there really isn't much on the island of Lanai.

Another obvious question is: How do the people of Lanai...albeit not many of them...feel about a hot-shot "Bruce Wayne" billionaire controlling their land?  Believe it or not, most of them are quite happy about it.  See, LARRY ELLISON is a step in the right direction from the previous billionaire who owned the island, DAVID MURDOCK.   It's obvious that the 89 year-old Castle & Cooke CEO is loosing his marbles.   He is convinced his diet of "smoothies made from bananas and orange rinds" will allow him to live to the age of 125.  (Mmmm...orange rinds!)  He also has plans to build a "wind farm" on Lanai to sell electricity to Oahu via an underwater cable.  No...he's not crazy at all!


Anyhow, back to Mr. Ellison.  So far, he has not commented on what he wants to do with Lanai, but speculation is rampant.  For starters, the MAUI NEWS is worried about expansion.  See, the tiny island has trouble hosting the billionaire's ritzy and eccentric hobbies.  For example,  the runways at the airport are way too small for Ellison's Russian MIG fighter to land.  Another problem is the mere thirty miles of paved roads.  See...this is inadequate for Ellison's McLaren Formuala-1 Race Car to drive on.  And the tiny harbor at Manele Bay?  It simply cannot moor Larry's 453-foot yacht.  Tough questions for the CEO indeed.

All we know for sure is that LARRY ELLISON paid for Lanai in cash (!) and that the amount was "around" $500 - $600 million dollars.   We also know that he spoke with State Sen. J. Kalani English, whose Maui District includes Lanai...now the US's largest privately owned island.  Senator English assured Hawaiians that Ellison is sensitive to the: "culture and conservation stewardship of the island."  So we'll all just have to sit back and wait to see what happens.  Let's just hope Larry doesn't try to surf again.  Back in 1991, he was surfing on Lanai's pristine Kaiolohia Bay and tried to "pull an Eskimo Roll in massive foamies but took a rail bang."  TRANSLATION: He crashed and broke his neck.

JUNE 20 TOP FIVE SEXIEST PLAYERS IN UEFA 2012 TOURNAMENT

#5 is Lukas Podolski

JUNE 20 TOP FIVE SEXIEST PLAYERS IN UEFA 2012 TOURNAMENT

The first round of the UEFA 2012 (Union of European Football Associations) is over.  Two weeks into the tournament, there has been lots of good news and some inevitable bad news. The good news is Poland and the Ukraine have exceeded expectations as co-host nations.  New hotel and entertainment complexes have welcomed over a million fans.  Trains are ample, clean and on time.   The facilities...many built specifically for the event...have dazzled.  Even the weather has cooperated.  The bad news is ignorant racists morons have disrupted some matches.  Let's face it: Fans  who jump up and down and howl like monkeys need to look in the mirror and ask themselves:  Хто це мавпа?  (Who is the monkey?)

To be honest, we here at the DUNER BLOG don't really enjoy soccer much.  HOWEVER...we do enjoy the soccer players.  It's true: Nowadays, European footie heroes have reached levels of celebrity previously only attained by MICHAEL JORDAN and TIGER WOODS.  Similarly aided by tabloids, twitter and testosterone, these go-getters are always in the headlines across the continent.  Also...just like their American counterparts...their fame is matched only by their enormous salaries and lucrative endorsement deals.  To honor these men, here is our official list of the TOP FIVE SEXIEST PLAYERS LEFT IN THE UEFA 2012 TOURNAMENT.

#4. Cesc Fabregas

#5. LUKAS PODOLSKI. Germany.  Although born in Poland, Lukas emigrated to Cologne at age two.  The left-footed striker is, according to his FIFA profile, a "deft striker from the left side, known for his probing attacks."  Which is a good segue into his other line of work...Underwear Model!  The current question surrounding Herr Podolski is about his choice of teams. Why doesn't he play for Poland?  (He has joint citizenship.)  Says he heart-throb: "I have to hearts beating in my chest.  It's difficult."

#4. CESC FABREGAS. Spain.  It seems wherever this midfielder goes, drama follows.  As a youth, he first shot to fame on Spain's U-17 team.  Then, the Barcelona native broke hometown hearts when he signed with the English power ARSENAL at the tender age of sixteen.  Injuries to other midfielders quickly catapulted him into the starting lineup, where he shined.  In eight seasons, he scored 53 goals...and became team captain.  When his contract was up, one of the highest bidding wars in sports history ensued, with FC Barcelona winning with a bid of 34 million Euros.

#3. Ashley Cole.

#3 ASHLEY COLE. England. The UEFA 2012 tournament is the 21st time Ashley has represented England...which eclipses DAVID BECKHAM on the all-time list.  Who cares?  We love Ashley for his WAG's! (Wives and Girlfriends).  The most famous of which is his ex-wife CHERYL COLE.  While not famous outside of the UK, this woman is fantastic as a judge on the hit TV show X-Factor.   In fact, Cheryl is the only person on earth who can go toe-to-toe with SIMON COWELL.  On her latest album, she wrote a track about Ashley.  It's called: "Screw You." 

#2. Ilker Casillas

#2. ILKER CASILLAS. Spain. Not even King Juan Carlos is revered more in Spain.  Why?  Let's check out his current resume. Saint Ilker is the goalie and captain of the both the Spanish national team and the most successful club team, Real Madrid.   In a soccer-obsessed nation like Spain, this is as good as it gets.  And...of course...we also love his girlfriend, sports journalist SARA CARBONERO.  Spanish tabloids are always talking about their relationship and have nicknamed her "Sara Pasta-Sauce."   On one hand, there is anger over a "conflict of interest" horribly evident during her adoring interviews.   On the other, there is obvious jealousy over her "kiss and tell" articles.

#1. Cristiano Ronaldo

#1. CRISTIANO RONALDO. Portugal.  Of course he is NUMBER ONE!!  Not only is Cristiano the best looking man in sports, he is also the wealthiest.  In addition to his $25 million dollar annual salary, his endorsement deals with Nike, Castrol, Konami and Armani netted him a cool $44 million last year.  Just how popular is the underwear model?  He is Facebook's Most Popular Athlete and has more Twitter followers than any other sports star.  TRIVIA: Ronaldo is actually his middle name and comes from US President Ronald Reagan.   

JUNE 14 ZOMBIE ATTACKS RAVAGE FLORIDA

JUNE 14 ZOMBIE ATTACKS RAVAGE FLORIDA

It was just like any other morning for RONALD POPPO.  Homeless in Miami, he sought shelter from the sun under an overpass on the MacArthur Causeway.  When all of a sudden...he was attacked by a zombie!  "Brains! Brains!" moaned the undead monster as he pounced on his unaware victim.  Old, weak and frail, Ronald was unable to fend off the attacker who proceeded to eat his face off.  A nearby bicyclist, LARRY VEGA, heard the strange noises and saw the unthinkable.  A quick cell phone call later, a police officer arrived.  "Put your hands up." the cop demanded.  But zombies don't listen.  He just grunted angrily, pieces of flesh hanging from his mouth.  Bam! Bam! Six bullets later, the zombie was dead.  Again.

Sound like a bad Hollywood movie?  Well, it's all true...and available for your viewing pleasure on YouTube.  In fact, this has been a banner year for zombie attacks in the USA.  Last month, a New Jersey zombie was also cornered by cops. He resisted arrest by stabbing himself, then reaching inside his torso and then throwing his own intestines at officers.  Then there was the Maryland college student who ate a classmate in a dorm room.   And don't forget the Texas Zombie Mom who dined on her own newborn baby.  Let's face it...there's a zombie epidemic going on here!

It been so bad, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Florida has been bombarded by worried citizens.  As everyone knows, radiation emissions often trigger zombie attacks...had there been any such incidents?  To quell public unrest, the CDC issued a public statement about Zombie Preparedness.   It begins by saying: "A scenario where zombies take over entire countries, roaming city streets eating anything living that got in their way..." will not happen.  Whew!  That's a relief!  It goes on to report: "The CDC does not know of a virus that would reanimate the dead...or present any zombie-like symptoms."  Comforting...but we here at the DUNER BLOG still aren't convinced there is no zombie peril.

To calm nerves, we all carry chainsaws (the quickest way to kill a zombie) and try to remember...this sort of "massive panic" has happened before.  As a kid...way back in the 1970's...there were Bigfoot sightings everywhere.   In the 1980's everyone was paranoid about UFOs.  Thankfully, we just finished the silly vampire craze.  While most of these alleged sightings were in movie theaters, they still grabbed headlines nationwide...much like the zombies are doing today.  And...not surprisingly...there are a number of Zombie-inspired movies and TV shows today.  In the movie theaters, there's "Shaun of the Dead."  On TV we get to watch "Zombie Land." 

Watch out for LeZombie James!

Still scared?  Well, we here at the DUNER BLOG have one last item that will hopefully soothe your Zombie-ridden angst.  After issuing its "Zombies" alert, the Miami office of the CDC was flooded with reporters, journalists and inquiring minds...all wanting to know the truth.  In reply, CDC spokesman DAVE DAIGLE admitted that the idea for the post was fictional.  He posted it in hopes of luring people to the website so they would read about "less sexy topics" like...say...hurricane preparedness.   Daigle wants to "inspire people to make at least basic preparations for a real emergency."  Whatever.  Finally, you must be wondering how the victim, RONALD POPPO is doing.  Good news: He's recovering and looking forward to tonight's NBA championship game on TV.  "Go Heat!" he twitted.

JUNE 7 QUEEN ELIZABETH JOINS LIST OF LONGEST REIGNING MONARCHS

JUNE 7 QUEEN ELIZABETH JOINS LIST OF LONGEST REIGNING MONARCHS

On Sunday, all of Britain celebrated Queen Elizabeth II's Diamond Jubilee.  The 86-year-old superstar has officially been on the throne for sixty years.  While that is a very long time, she still needs to serve another twenty-three years to be the all-time longest reigning monarch of all time.  Who managed to rule for longer than sixty years?  Let's find out!  Here's the list of Longest Reigning Monarchs of All Time:

#7. Emperor Hirohito. Japan. 62 years.   Talk about a survivor!  We're talking six-plus decades of drama.  First, in 1921, the Emperor visited Europe and put the reclusive nation on the map.  Furiously motivated, he returned home and industrialized Japan seemingly overnight.   Next, he conquered Asia...Siberia, Samoa, Singapore, Siam...you name it!  Then he showed great humility on August 15th, 1945, when he begged the world for forgiveness...and kept his crown.   

#6. Queen Victoria.  England. 63 years. The most powerful woman ever.  It's true: The sun never set on her empire.  Even today, the sun never sets on places named after her.  Let's see...there's Victoria Peak in Hong Kong...and Lake Victoria in Africa.  The Victoria Strait leads to the Arctic Ocean while Victoria Falls is the largest on earth.  The city of Victoria is in Canada while the state of Victoria is in Australia.

Poor Franz Joseph.

#5. Eleanor of Aquitaine. 66 years.  What makes Eleanor so impressive, is that her tenure as Queen was on two separate thrones: England and France!  After fifteen years, she had her marriage to King Louis the Fat annulled for obvious reasons.  Next, she married Henry the Second of England and reigned until her death, fifty years later.

#4. Pakal the Great. Maya. 68 years.  Our only representative from the Western Hemisphere, Pakal ascended to the throne in the year 615.  He was only twelve years old.  During his long reign, the capital Palenque grew into a massive city, trailing only Xian in China and Constantinople in overall population.

#3. Franz Joseph. Austria-Hungary. 68 years.  Historians love Franz because his personal life mirrored his professional life.  When he came to the throne in 1848, the great Austrian Empire stretched from Rome to the Rhine to Romania.  During his long reign, he watched it slowly disappear...piece by piece.  Simultaneously, his family life deteriorated in a similar fashion.  His brother, Max was shot by a firing squad in Mexico.  His wife, Empress Eleanor was also assassinated ten years later.  His son, Prince Rudolf committed suicide.  Finally, the killing of his nephew, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, started a World War.

#2. Louis XIV. France. 72 years.  The Sun King was originally called the "Gift from God," as his parents had been trying to conceive a child for twenty years.  While he is largely remembered today for his opulent palaces like Versailles and the Louvre, we here at the DUNER BLOG admire his penchant for bureaucracy.  With the help of finance minister Jean Colbert, he created the first modern state.

#1. King Sobhuza II. Swaziland. 83 years.  Crowned 'Paramount Chief" at the age of three months, Sobhuza the Second managed to accomplish what few other African monarchs could: He kept his land!  Even today, the tiny landlocked country is recognized by the United Nations.  We are also impressed by his virility.  He had 70 wives and 210 children.  Today, over 1,000 people in Swaziland are his grandchildren. 

MAY 31 LADY GAGA CANCELS INDONDESIA CONCERT AMID PROTESTS

MAY 31 LADY GAGA CANCELS INDONESIA CONCERT AMID PROTESTS

Indonesian fans of the irrepressible pop star LADY GAGA were devastated over the weekend.  The tweet they least wanted to read appeared on their i-phones Saturday.  Imagine their pain when they saw these words from their beloved queen scrolled across their anti-glare screens: "Concert cancelled. I'm so very sorry to the fans & just as devastated as you if not more. You are everything to me."  OMG!  It's the tweet from hell!  Oh...and speaking of hell...that's just where enraged Islamic fundamentalists told Ms. Stefani Germanotta (Gaga's real name) to go.  In fact, these threats were the reason for the cancellation.  Wow!  How did everyone get so angry?

It all started five years ago, when Indonesia first started hosting concerts for international pop stars.  Previously, the the reclusive island nation had banned such events.  You see, the combination of Islam and military rule isn't really a "Lollapalooza" type of thing.  However, nowadays there are only limited bans on satellite TV and the Internet.  This means all Indonesians can easily access the Wonders of the West.  Not surprisingly, they soon demanded Hip-Hop concerts...and had the rupiahs to spend on it.  Beyoncé was the first major Western pop star to headline in Jakarta when she performed at JITEC Arena in 2007.

When Beyoncé did her ground-breaking Asia tour, she altered the performances so she wouldn't offend any socially conservative societies.  For example, she wore a sari for the Mumbai concert.  "Get Me Bodied" was not performed in Shanghai.  Backup dancers changed to less revealing dress and kept gyrations to an absolute minimum.  Similar tactics were adhered to by the Pussycat Dolls on their tour of the region the next year.  It seemed like a pretty nice compromise...that is until earlier this year when LADY GAGA announced her show on June Third.  More than 50,000 people snatched up tickets in a couple of days.   But...when the Islamic Defenders Front (FPI) saw footage of the "Born This Way Ball Tour"...all hell broke lose! 

Over the last couple of months, a number of well attended marches and protests have occurred in Jakarta.  Sponsored by the FPI, they featured the usual: Angry chanting, clenched fists and effigy burnings.  They worked.  The organization's chairman Habib Salim Alatas said the cancellation was "good news" and that "Indonesians will be protected from sin brought about by this Mother Monster, the destroyer of morals." We here at the DUNER BLOG know that her outfits are way over the top...but c'mon, Habib!  Don't you think you're getting a little carried away?  Check out this quote: "Lady Gaga fans, stop complaining. Repent and stop worshipping the devil. Do you want your lives taken away by God as infidels?" Sounds like someone needs to chill.

While Lady Gaga will recover and continue touring in Singapore and Australia, the real issue here involves Islam and pop culture.  It's going to be a long, arduous climb...but someday the older generation of staunch, conservative clerics will be replaced by a new, more accepting Muslim brotherhood.  This younger generation will understand a simple fact: In every society there will always be a group of people who love the avaunt-gard.  They dig crazy post-modern sculptures, paintings that look more like spilled paint than art and eccentric pop stars like GAGA.  It's just a shame that Habib and the FPI don't listen to her lyrics...they're a lot more about acceptance and tolerance than raunchy sex.

MAY 24 WE DEMAND KNIGHTHOOD FOR ROBIN GIBB

Robin is the handsome devil on the left.

MAY 24 WE DEMAND KNIGHTHOOD FOR ROBIN GIBB

The death of music legend ROBIN GIBB on Sunday hit everyone at the DUNER BLOG pretty hard.   You see, disco is the only type of music allowed to be played in our corporate offices, research centers and private gyms...so naturally we listen to the Bee Gees all the time.  And while ROBIN's passing was by no means sudden...he had been fighting colon and liver cancer for years...it never seems to soften those difficult final moments.  In short, he truly was "More Than a Woman" to all of us.

However...there is some good news! Yesterday, we were thrilled to read the headline in the DAILY MIRROR.  The outstanding British periodical is launching a grassroots campaign.  Their goal is to have ROBIN GIBB knighted posthumously.  We here at the DUNER BLOG have thrown our support behind the measure and hope you will too.  Unfortunately...as those readers familiar with British Royalty will quickly point out...there is one major problem with our plan: Knighthoods are not allowed after one dies. See...one has to be present to receive the taps on the shoulder from the monarch's diamond-encrusted sword. Darn!

BUT...rules are made to be broken...and this one has been broken before.  When Beatle GEORGE HARRISON died in 2001, Parliament rallied in support of knighthood.  The Queen reluctantly agreed.  While many of you will argue that the BEE GEES are in no way equal to the BEATLES...let's examine Mr. Gibb's impressive resumé. You already know the about their eight #1 singles and that Saturday Night Fever is the fifth best selling album of all time.  And...don't forget about the nine Grammy Awards.  In addition, the brothers have a gold star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and are in the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.  Heck...the BEE GEES are even on a postage stamp from the Isle of Man.  (TRIVIA: This is where all three brothers were born.)

But what we find most impressive about ROBIN GIBB is his selflessness.  In addition to his own fame, the trio also wrote and produced songs for other artists in many different genres.  They wrote the #1 country hit "Islands in the Stream" for Kenny Rogers. They wrote the music for the Broadway smash "Grease."   They penned Rhythm & Blues songs for Diana Ross and Dionne Warwick.  Even Beyoncé topped the charts with a BEE GEE song: Emotion.   How about this for trivia?  If you include the sampling on the hip-hop track "Ghetto Supastar," the BEE GEES have topped the charts in five separate decades...the 1960's, '70's, '80's, 90's and the 2000's.  Wow! 

Disco balls will never be the same.

Finally, the Daily Mirror's knighthood movement has a huge supporter in Parliament member JOHN LEECH.  Representing the Manchester neighbourhood where the three boys grew up, he intends to introduce legislation soon.  "Robin was an immense talent and a true musical legend." Leech said. "He definitely had that Manchester grit about him and was very proud of his roots. He was an amazingly humble guy." With the music world currently dominated by egotistical, talentless auto-tune artists who spend their ungodly profits on themselves, it seems like a great idea to honor ROBIN GIBB with knighthood.  Write to Queen Elizabeth today!!!

MAY 16 RUSSIAN AIRCRAFT CRASHES IN INDONESIA



Flying High: The Sukhoi Super Jet 100.

 MAY 16 RUSSIAN AIRCRAFT CRASHES IN INDONESIA

At first, we here at the DUNER BLOG largely ignored last week's terrible airliner crash in Indonesia.  To be honest, we incorrectly grouped it with other transportation tragedies of the month.  Remember?  A passenger ferry capsized in Bangladesh...there was a Dutch train crash...and a packed Guatemalan bus slid off a rain soaked highway.  All were very unfortunate occurrences...and all happen way too often...but the staff didn't do much investigation.  However, over the weekend, a colleague of the blog pointed out that this was no ordinary crash.  We looked into the shocking details of the plane crash and were appalled!  Here's what we found out:

The story begins twelve years ago in a posh Moscow penthouse.  Representatives from BOEING and Russian airline manufacturer SUKHOI are sipping champagne...celebrating while signing paperwork for a new joint venture.   Their plan is build a new, more affordable commuter plane.  Demand for short flights in emerging Asian nations is sky-high.  The story continues.  After a couple years of development, the project received some serious capital investment from the Russian government:  Eight billion Rubles! (Around $300 million). All went as planned. The prototypes passed all international tests.  It was even fuel efficient.  In April of 2011, the SUPERJET 100 made its inaugural flight for Armavia Airlines from Yerevan to Moscow.  Orders poured in for the plane. What a success story!   

Guess where on Mt. Salak the plane crashed.

Then...suddenly...it all came crashing down!  Last month, SUKHOI executives embarked on a six-nation "Fly Asia" tour to promote the SUPER JET 100.  They met with Air Astana in Kazakhstan and Shaheen Air in Pakistan.   Their next stop was Jakarta.  All was going just a planned. Sriwijaya Air executives and local journalists had just finished dining on Satay Ponorgo and Gado Gado.   Next, the happy 45 passengers then boarded the aircraft for their 50 minute "fun flight." Smooth talking Russians  demonstrated just how wonderful the new jet really is.  Many snapped photos on their cell phones and posted them on FACEBOOK.  Well...let's just end the story there.  We won't tell you about the plane crashing into Mount Salak and all passengers dying a horrible, painful death.  Oops!

Not so fast! says SUKHOI spokesperson OLGA KAYUKOVA.  Let's not jump to any conclusions! She was quick to point out that the plane that crashed "was not the same aircraft" as those used on earlier demonstrations.  She also issued statements reminding us that until the investigations are completed, we simply cannot assume the crash is in anyway related to shoddy reputation Russians have when it comes to manufacturing aircraft.  Really...Olga?  Let's look at some statistics.  According to the AVIATION SAFETY NETWORK, Russia had an accident rate "of 7.15 hull losses per million sectors, which is almost three times the world rate." We here at the DUNER BLOG don't know what a "hull loss" is but...it sounds bad.  Our travel advice for anyone traveling in Russia has always been: Take the train!  

Six times as many planes crash in Russia than in the USA.

The truth is no one will ever know who is to blame in a plane crash when everyone dies.  Until the dreaded 'Black Box" is located, don't expect any official statements from the government any time soon.  All we know for sure is for some reason, the pilot asked for permission to drop from 10,000 feet to 6,000 feet a mere twelve minutes after takeoff. End of story.  We here at the DUNER BLOG send out condolences to the families of the victims and hope someday safety will be placed ahead of profits.