MARCH 19 LET'S MEET POPE FRANCIS!

MARCH 19 LET'S MEET POPE FRANCIS!

You asked for it…You got it! People from all over the world want to meet the New Pope! We here at the DUNER BLOG has assembled ten vital statistics about everyone’s favorite New Kid on the Block, Francis the First.  Let's get started...

HIS NAME. We can’t find any information on why Mr. and Mrs. Bergoglio named him Jorge (George) although his middle name, Mario, is the same as his father. Jorge chose Francis as his papal name to honor St. Francis Assisi, founder of the Jesuits and one of the most venerated religious figures of all time. NOTE:  Our favorite saint's real name is Giovanni.  He was nicknamed him “Francis” as his father was away in France on business when he was born in 1161.

HIS SIGN. Jorge is a Sagittarius. According to celebrity astrologer Maria Shaw, people born on December 13th are are "charismatic and live life on the edge." He is ruled by Jupiter, the planet of expansion, which is an auspicious trait for a pope. Not surprisingly, Pope Francis shares his birthday with other outgoing and outspoken celebrities like TAYLOR SWIFT and JAMIE FOXX.

Pope Francis blessed a dog.  Kudos!

HIS TITLE. If you ever get to meet Jorge in person, be sure to address him properly with his 44-word official title:  "His Holiness Pope Francis, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God."

HIS ETHNICITY. Although his passport is Argentine, Jorge’s roots are solidly Italian. His father, Mario, was born in Piedmonte Region of Italy and speaks Italian as his primary language. While born in Argentina, Jorge’s mother Regina has solid Italian roots as well. Her parents are both from Genoa.

HIS  LANGUAGES.  Growing up, Italian was spoken in the Bergoglio household.  However, his father had mixed feelings towards his native land...he moved to Argentina to escape the rise of fascism...so he made sure his children were also fluent in Spanish.  Jorge spent years studying in Frankfurt and can speak German as well.  And...of course...he speaks Latin!

HIS POLITICS. As archbishop of Buenos Aires, Jorge was a powerful critic of the Argentine government. At a Government Day Mass in 2004, he angered then-president Nestor Kirchner with snide remarks. The president never attended another Bergoglio sermon again. Similarly, he has a tense relationship with current leader Cristina Kirshner. She has turned down his last 14 formal requests to meet. However, Jorge and Cristina do agree on one issue: The Falkland Islands. Jorge claims they were “usurped by the British."

HIS  FAMILY.  Jorge has four brothers and sisters.  Two are deceased, and his brother is quiet and keeps to himself.  However, his sister Maria Elena is alive and kicking.  She has a penchant for being a blabber-mouth.  Hours after the announcement, she told Buenos Aires TV news she had prayed he wouldn't be elected pope.  Can you say: "La Stupida?"

HIS VIEWS. As with most Catholics, Pope Francis’ views on social issues are overwhelmingly conservative. Jorge called abortion the “culture of death” and feels same-sex marriages are “the devil’s work.” In addition, he tried unsuccessfully to stop President Cristina’s free distribution of condoms.

HIS MANNER. St. Francis of Assisi shunned all wealth and detested greed. Likewise, Pope Francis has displayed an amazing sense of humility. As a priest, he routinely cooked meals for the parish. As archbishop, he famously took the Buenos Aires subway to work. As pope, he insists on carrying his own suitcase, eschewing Ritz Carleton staff’s ardent attempts to assist!

HIS MISTAKES.  During Argentina's "Dirty War" a dictatorship ruthlessly employed firing squads to silence opposition.  As a priest, Bergoglio neglected his parish's needs and refused to stand up to government authorities.  In 2008, he admitted his shortcomings and asked fellow clergy to "put on garments of public penance for the sins committed during the years of the dictatorship."      

HIS FUTURE.  At age 76, it may seem his tenure as pope would be brief.  Au Contrare! Thanks to his healthy diet, his car-free commute and his constant exercise, Pope Francis has at least ten years of great pope-ing ahead.  HABEUM PAPEM!

NOTE: We here at the DUNER BLOG are currently investigating claims that Pope Francis is actually an imposter!  In reality, it's just NBA announcer JEFF VAN GUNDY in a white robe!!

MARCH 12 TAFT JOINS 'PRESIDENTIAL SPRINT' AT NATIONALS GAMES

MARCH 12 TAFT JOINS 'PRESIDENTIAL SPRINT' AT NATIONALS BASEBALL GAMES

The DUNER BLOG staff loves sports.  So, we are thrilled about the return of baseball in a fortnight's time.  Hungry for silly sports stories, everyone salivated when we heard a new president was being added to the famed "Presidential Sprint" at Washington Nationals home games.  Sorry, for our international readers (and American's who don't follow ridiculous pop culture..) here's a quick definition.  During lulls in American sporting events, we have mascots entertain us with dances, skits and cheers.  The silliest such routine is the 'Presidental Sprint' in D.C.  Every fourth inning, twelve-foot-high goofy replicas of US Presidents race each other in foul territory. 

We here at the DUNER BLOG live for this sort of activity.  (We also love Milwaukee's Sausage Race and the Pittsburgh Pirogi Race).   Our only problem with the Presidential Sprint is: The four contestants are the same presidents that appear everywhere.  To review: George Washington, ($1, Quarter coin, Mt. Rushmore) Abe Lincoln, ($5, Penny, Mt. Rushmore), Tom Jefferson ($2, Nickel, Mt. Rushmore) and Teddy Roosevelt (Postage stamp, Mt. Rushmore, Night at the Museum movies).  So...when Nats team spokesman Clint Khoury announced a new president was joining the mascot crew...everyone assumed it would be another famous one...like Jackson, FDR or Kennedy.  However....imagine our amazement when we heard the new president was WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT!

Never heard of Taft?  For starters, the 27th President was our nation's largest. He weighed over 300 LBS (135 kg).  There's a legend about Tubby Taft getting stuck in the White House bathtub...but we'll stick to the important stuff.  In the 1908 election, Taft soudly defeated William Jennings Bryan.  Historians credit Teddy Roosevelt's endorsement for this victory, as the Republican Party was riding a crest of popularity.  In office, Taft's term was rather uneventful.  Domestically, he employed a conservative fiscal policy.  Internationally, he stayed out of Mexico's violent revolution.  His stand-offish relationship with the press hurt his re-election campaign in 1912, when he was defeated by Woodrow Wilson.  Hmm...not exactly a resume comparable with his peers in the Presidential Sprint!?!

So why choose lesser-known William Howard Taft over such heavy-weights as Monroe, Madison or Reagan?  Well...it turns out that Taft was the first president ever to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at a Major League Baseball game.  It happened at Griffith Stadium in Washington DC on April 14, 1910.  While this is a logical explanation, we here at the DUNER BLOG know the truth.   Of the 530 sprints, Teddy Roosevelt has won only four times (.007%), thus ensuring him the title of 'fan favorite.' (Americans love the underdog).  Although once friends...over time...Teddy and Tubby became bitter enemies who shoved each other around.  Thus, the Washington Nationals organization is setting the stage for some crazy mascot hi jinks this season when Bill and Ted start slugging!

MARCH 7 BLOGGERS WILL MISS HUGO CHAVEZ

MARCH 7 BLOGGERS WILL MISS HUGO CHAVEZ

The blogging world came to a screeching halt yesterday at 4:25 PM.  That's the precise time when Venezuela's beloved leader officially passed away.  Love him...or hate him...there's no denying HUGO CHAVEZ was a blogger's dream.  As expected, the mailbox is jammed full of questions so let's get started..

Are more people celebrating or mourning his death?  Linda, Mexico.
Officially, most people are being polite and are mourning Hugo's passing.  Venezuela's allies in Latin America have all issued heartfelt statements.  The first president was Nicaragua's Daniel Ortega,  followed closely by Bolivia's Evo Morales.  Brazil's President, Dilma Rousseff, called for a moment of silence.  Likewise, state-run TV in Caracas showed non-stop coverage of the throngs of supporters, clad in red, gathering outside his palace.  However, if Twitter is any indication, everyone is cracking jokes about "El Commandante.".

Didn't Chavez once tell King Juan Carlos to 'Shut up'? James, Berkeley.
Sorry, James, but you got it turned around. The King of Spain told Hugo to "Shut up." At a Madrid summit in 2007, Chavez was rousting then Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar.  But Hugo went too far when he called him a "fascist."  (This word still carries a lot of weight in Spain and Italy.)  An obviously angered King then uttered his famous quip.  NOTE:  Most people in Venezuela wanted Hugo to shut up as well.  El Jefe was renowned for his 3-4 hour radio speeches...he would often reminisce about his impoverished childhood. (Yawn!)

Why was Chavez so obsessed with Simon Bolivar?  Hung, Vietnam.
After our heroes' humble beginnings in the mud hut, he joined the Venezuelan military.  As a private, he became enthralled with Simon Bolivar, A.K.A. the George Washington of South America.  Chavez loved his 18th century philosophy of a socialist world devoid of hunger.  In reverence, Hugo often makes speeches under his portrait.  When elected president in 1998, he began constructing a huge mausoleum for Bolivar's casket, because the old one wasn't big enough.  NOTE: Chavez's Anti-American stance was the polar opposite of his idol.  Bolivar loved the USA and sent his only son to study at the University of Virginia with Thomas Jefferson's nephew. 

I heard that Venezuela is the world's largest exporter of oil. Is that true? Helen, U.K.
No, dear, it's not true.  Saudi Arabia is the largest exporter of petroleum, shipping some 11 million barrels every day.  Venezuela ranks 13th.  However, the South American nation leads the world in Proven Petroleum Reserves, which is actually much more important.  It's estimated one-fifth of earth's un-tapped oil lies beneath Venezuela's precious land.  (Hmm..Think the CIA is monitoring the transition of power to Vice President Nicolas Maduro?)

No word yet on whether the parrot is still alive.

Will Chavez's successor continue his anti-U.S. policies? Daniela, Brazil.
Yes.  Prior to announcing Hugo Chavez' death, the Venezuelan Government expelled two U.S. military aids, accusing them of espionage.  Then, they announced Hugo's passing.  Analysts see this as a clear message to the USA:  "We still hate you."  The best we can hope for is an unbiased and completely fair election, with opposition challenger Henrique Capriles narrowly defeating Chavez' hand-picked candidate Maduro.  Whomever wins the election, let's all hope he doesn't drink thirty cups of coffee every day like Hugo Chavez did.  That's enough to kill you!!!

FEB 26 'ARGO' WINS BEST PICTURE...IRAN GETS ANGRY

FEB 26 'ARGO' WINS BEST PICTURE...IRAN GETS ANGRY

Didja watch last night's ACADEMY AWARDS ceremony?  We always do here at the DUNER BLOG.  Didja see how they awarded the top prize for BEST PICTURE?  It was announced via satellite link from the White House.  First Lady Michelle Obama ripped open that goofy, over sized, golden envelope.  She smiled and announced: "And the winner for BEST PICTURE is ARGO!"  Back in California, the audience erupted into applause as Director and Producer BEN AFFLECK hoisted the golden statue high in the air.  Even GEORGE CLOONEY was involved!

However, in Tehran, no one was celebrating.  The movie about the Embassy Occupation is not popular there.  Iranian state media called the film an "unflattering portrayal of the Islamic Revolution."  The culture minister, Mohammad Hosseini, dismissed the picture as "an advertisement for the C.I.A." Likewise, Tehran City Council Member Masoomeh Ebtekar...who was a young college student back in 1979 and took part in the Embassy occupation...claims Hollywood terribly exaggerated the violence that happened that day.  The final-climax-airport-chase-scene never occurred in real life either.   

Let's face it: All over the Islamic Republic of Iran today, people are talking about the movie ARGO.  You're asking yourself: Do average Iranians really watch Ben Affleck flicks? Here the story: State ministries control which films local theatres are allowed to screen.  They carefully insure what the general public officially sees.  Not surprisingly, ARGO...like all other Western films...was formally banned.  However, most Iranians have seen the film, thanks to the thriving Bootleg DVD market.  The current going price for pirated movies is 30,000 Rials or US $1.   According to MSN.com, ARGO is the current bestseller on the streets of Tehran.

Reaction from the average folk who illegally bought the movie and watched it is impossible to gauge.  But we did find a quote from Shieda, a Tehran University student who wouldn't give her last name.  She found it fascinating to see "what the outside world thinks" about the 444-day hostage crisis.  See, Iranian History books state that only students took place in the operation...not the militias shown in the movie.  Since over half of Iran's population was born after the 1979 Revolution, it must be confusing.  Who to should they believe?  Both Hollywood and the Ayatollahs have major credibility issues!

Believe it or not, we here at the DUNER BLOG side with Islamic clerics. Specifically, we question the Academy's motivation.  Sometimes, Hollywood gets too big for its britches.  People like George Clooney often use our cherished art form as a vehicle for their personal political messages.  Which is fine...if your film is a documentary. This way, you can back up all claims with factual evidence.  However, when Hollywood releases movies that are "inspired by true events" they go down a slippery slope.  Their message becomes clouded by embellishment, re-fabrication and...worse of all..."scenes enhanced for dramatic purposes."  Enough, already!

FEB 20 INDONESIAN RAIN FOREST SPARED BY CORPORATION

FEB 20 INDONESIAN RAIN FOREST SPARED BY CORPORATION

A major victory was won last week in the war against the deforestation of our planet.  Paper giant Asia Pulp and Paper (APP) announced it was halting all logging within the national borders of Indonesia.  The sudden statement was greeted with cheers at GreenPeace World Headquarters in Amsterdam.  They earned it...it was a festive culmination after years of hard work.  This included intense lobbying, peaceful protest and...of course...blogging!  But they weren't the only ones celebrating.  Deep in the Sumatran jungle, the tigers, bears and orangutans all began singing together...just like in the animated Disney movie The Jungle Book!

Oops!  Sorry.  We do get a bit carried away here at the DUNER BLOG.  Jokes aside, this is a major victory for our world's rain forests.  Let's look at the stats:  Asia Pulp and Paper is the third largest producer of paper products in the world and is worth billions of US dollars (and quintillions of Indonesian Rupiah!).  Their products are everywhere.  In fact, there's a high chance you've used an APP item today.  For example, AAP made the Danon Yogurt packaging at breakfast.  They also make the boxes that hold the Kentucky Fried Chicken Strips you ate for lunch.  In addition, they make they color Xerox paper you used at work this afternoon.  And don't try to hide from guilt by saying you don't live on the Asian Continent.  APP's paper products are sold on all six continents!

To win the battle against the corporate giant APP, GreenPeace focused on their customers as the centerpiece of their grass-roots campaign.  Specifically, they focused on the cardboard used in boxes for ever-popular Barbie dolls.  See, APP sells tons of paper pulp to the Mattel Corporation.  Rather than face onslaught of negative press generated by Green Peace, the toy corporation announced last year they would be terminating their contract with APP.  Likewise, a GreenPeace program aimed at Disney books netted similar results. Sensing more and more corporations would follow suit, Asia Pulp and Paper changed course and stopped its evil ways.  Today they are an Environmental Super Hero!        

Let's address the cynics who ask: "What corporation would ever willingly bow to a bunch of yahoo environmentalists?  What's the catch?"  We at the DUNER BLOG agree.  We conducted research into APP's past.  It's not pretty.  In Indonesia alone, they've cleared five million acres of old growth rain forest.  The company also buys illegal timber from Cambodia and China's semi-autonomous Yunan Province.  All toll, they produce 7 million tons of paper annually with massive profit margins.  But those days are over.  From now on, they will rely solely on "tree farms" which are already growing all over Indonesia.  In response, GreenPeace has formally ended its campaign against the corporate giant.

In summary, APP made a business decision based on market projections and speculations.  It is...after all...still a heartless multi-national corporation.  But that doesn't mean it's not above flaunting it's new environmentally-friendly wardrobe, regardless of the motivation for the action. The C.E.O. of Asia Pulp and Paper, TEGUH WIJAY, issued a clear statement.  The new policy of using paper products only from tree farms is"mandatory" and all customers who "don't comply with the new policies will have their accounts terminated."  Ouch! We here at the DUNER BLOG salute any corporation that bows to the endangered Sumatran Tiger, no matter what the motivation is!

And remember: If you print out your e-mails, you can no longer call them e-mails.  You have taken the electronic aspect away. They're just mail.  Save Paper Now!

FEB 13 FAQs ABOUT PAPAL RESIGNATION

FEB 13 FAQs ABOUT PAPAL RESIGNATION

Wow!  Response to the sudden abdication of Pope Benedict XVI has been HUGE!  Our inbox here at the DUNER BLOG has been flooded with questions regarding Papal Resignations.  It hasn't happened in awhile (598 years!) so let's get started!!

Why did the last pope resign in 1415? Was it scandalous?  Kelvin, Berkeley.  Sorry to burst your bubble, K-dog, but Pope Gregory XII resigned solely for politcal purposes.    Back in the 1400's the main issue facing the Papacy was the dreaded Western Schism between Italy and France.  Believe it or not, for a brief time in Europe, there were actually two popes!  There was one in Rome and another in Avignon.  The latter was called the antipope (Now there's a word you don't see everyday!)  Our peaceful pope Gregory XII stepped down, thus allowing a new French / Italian cardinal coalition elect a new pope.

The Pope and the Antipope.

How many popes have resigned in total?  Ravi, Dacca.  Including Benedict XVI, seven popes have resigned their posts.   The first Pope to resign was St. Pontian in AD 235.  He had a dispute with the Roman Emperor Severus Alexander and was forced to serve a horrible exile at a posh villa in Sardinia.  Eight hundred years would pass until another resignation occurred.  In the eleventh and twelfth centuries, horrendous bouts of plague plunged Rome into Civil War.  An upheaval of popes and antipopes forced four more resignations.  These include John XVIII, Benedict IX, Gregory VI and Celestine V. 

Are there Papal Laws concerning proper procedure for resignation? Greg, San Jose.  Of course, Greg!  Fortunately, everyone who works at the DUNER BLOG is fluent in Latin and we were able to translate Canon Law #332.  It states: " If a Roman Pontiff resigns his office (munus), it is required for validity that he make the resignation freely and that it be duly manifested."  (Unfortunately, no one at the DUNER BLOG can speak Lawyer, so we don't know what that means.)  In addition, we found two cases of conditional terms of resignation.  Before Pope Pius VII went to Paris to crown Napoleon in 1804, he signed a resignation notice...just in case he ended up imprisoned.  Likewise for Pope Pius XII during World War II.  If the Nazis killed him, the Papacy was to continue in neutral Portugal.

What percentage of Popes have resigned? Nigel, Manchester. To determine the exact percentage, we must first determine how many total popes there has been.  The first Papal List was published by historian Hermannus Contractus in the year AD 1049.  It ends with Pope Leo IX at #154.  From there, we consult the Catholic Encyclopedia, which adds another 110.  This brings the total to 264 Total Popes.  (Excluding all antipopes).  This means only 2.5% of all popes resign.  NOTES: The longest serving Pope is Pius IX at 31 years.  The shortest was Urban VI who lasted only 13 days in AD 1590.

Will the Vatican start sending 'smoke signs' like in Da Vinci Code movies? Rhonda, Los Angeles.  You must be referring to the Papal Conclave, dear!  This comes from the Latin term Cum Clave (With Key).  In short, to determine who will be the next pope, high ranking cardinals lock themselves into the Sistine Chapel for secluded discussions and a complicated voting procedure.  At the end of each day, the ballets are burned in a large fireplace.  'No' ballots generate black smoke while 'Yes' ballots give off white smoke.  On March First, crowds will  gather in St. Peter's Square in anxious anticipation.  They'll cheer when the see white smoke with cries of "Habemus Papam!!"  (We have a Pope!!)

FEB 5 WHICH STATE ANIMALS ARE ENDANGERED?

FEB 5 WHICH STATE MASCOTS AND ANIMALS ARE ENDANGERED?

Over the weekend, a number of DUNER BLOG staff members got together at the Sports Bar to watch some College Basketball games.  One of our favorite teams, top-ranked MICHIGAN played at #3 INDIANA.  During halftime, we talked about the Michigan mascot, the Wolverine.  Since the largest member of the weasel family is endangered and exists only in captivity in Michigan (at the Detroit Zoo!), we wondered if it was time for a change.  This proposal set off a tidal wave of discussion and debate.  Here are our findings on endangered state animals...in a top five format, of course.

#5 Michigan.  Wolverine. (Mustelidae Gulo)
After conducting research, we here at the DUNER BLOG have determined Wolverines never lived in the territory or state of Michigan.  The name comes from the 1835 Toledo War, when Ohio and Michigan took up arms against each over a land dispute.  In the end, no one died, a few Ohioans were injured, and Michigan ceded the disputed area to Ohio.  In exchange, President Jackson awarded Michigan the Upper Peninsula.  Anyhow, the Ohioan Armed Forces thought the backwoods Michigan Militia looked like "ornery Wolverines" and the moniker stuck.  Today, Wolverines (the animal) are found from Montana to Alaska and aren't endangered.

#4 Hawaii.  Nene or Hawaiian Goose. (Branta sandwicensis) 
 The poor Nene!  It used to be head honcho on the remote island chain.  Then, a bunch of dumb colonists introduced mongooses and feral cats to the island.  These critters love to eat Nene eggs.  By the time the island chain became a state, Nene Goose were close to being wiped out altogether.  Conservation efforts have resulted in colonies in protected areas.  Today, about 800 Nene can be found on the islands of Hawaii, Maui and Kauai.  However, the Nene remains on the Endangered Species List and is the 4th most threatened waterfowl on Earth...according to the Audubon Society.

#3 Connecticut. Sperm Whale. (Physeter macrocephalus) 
Waaaay back, when the Chestnut State was still a colony, the whaling industry was king.  In 1740, it is estimated there were over a million Sperm Whales in earth's oceans.  Hunting of the 60-ton mammals is well documented in famous son Herman Mellville's leviathan 'Moby Dick.'   Although Americans no long need whale guts, other nations still desire Sperm Whale blubber.  Their estimated worldwide population is slowly growing, but it is still on the Endangered Species List.

#2. California. Grizzly Bears  (Ursus californicus) 
Before the 1849 Gold Rush, Grizzly Bears owned the Sierra Nevada Mountains.  When the yahoo miners came flooding into the foothills, they refused to cede any territory to the newcomers.  The cunning bears raided 49er camps taking their livestock, supplies and women.  As always, Americans responded with guns.  Mark Twain mentions the "stench of the rotting grizzly corpses" in his short story 'The Jumping Frog of Calaveras County. According to the State Library the last Grizzly was "killed in Tulare in 1922." Today, the endangered species is found in the British Columbia, the Yukon and Alaska...but not in the Golden State.

#1. United States. Bald Eagle.  (Haliaeetus Leucocephalus)
Back in 1782, it made sense to have this proud raptor on our Great Shield and National Emblem.  Biologists estimate there were over 100,000 of them in the region known today as the "Lower 48."  However, as the nation expanded Westward, the proud birds were seen as vermin.  It's true...the eagles hunted for the same fish and waterfowl as the humans.  Settlers shot them on sight.  The Bald Eagle Act in 1890 stopped Americans from shooting their national animal, but another killer waited around the corner: D.D.T.  Use of the pesticide was widespread without proper testing.   Before anyone knew it... the harmful chemicals had indirectly decimated the population of our National Treasure!

All in all, our conclusion at the DUNER BLOG is: It's a tough life being a State Animal.  The smart states are Massachusetts and Maryland who have pets as their state animals.  Boston Terriers and Chesapeake Bay Retrievers could never go extinct!