AUG 26 INDIA IS SAVED! CRAZY ANNA HAZARE ENDS HUNGER STRIKE

AUG 26 INDIA IS SAVED! CRAZY ANNA HAZARE ENDS HUNGER STRIKE

You might have missed the insanity that has crippled the world's largest democracy the last two weeks.  But don't worry!  We're here at the DUNER BLOG to fill you in.   Yesterday in Mumbai, populist activist ANNA HAZARE ended his hunger strike after ten days of ingesting nothing but water.  To celebrate, he went straight to McDonald's and inhaled five Chicken Maharaja-Mac sandwiches.   Okay...maybe not...but everyone else in India certainly was celebrating.  Somehow, a crazy old man had single-handedly managed to hold the massive nation of India hostage.  In Bangalore, fifty thousand angry, pro-Hazare protesters crippled traffic.  In Delhi, the Indian parliament was deadlocked debating emergency Hazare leglislation.  And in Mumbai, TV stations had 24-hour coverage of the decaying, withering 74-year-old body on their news networks.  Yuck!  Let's all just thank VISHNU it's over!

Oops...we forgot to mention what the fuss is all about.  It's all about corruption.  Our hero, ANNA HAZARE, is from Ralegan Siddhi, an impoverished village in Maharasta.  This Indian province has it rough.  Half of the year, it's wrecked by monsoons and typhoons.  The other half of the year, it's subjected to drought and 110 degree heat.  Nonetheless, Anna was determined to help his village. While he couldn't control the weather, he instead fought against the second worst problem afflicting Ralegan Siddhi: Graft.  In order to receive emergency federal aid after a disaster, villages must to first bribe government officials.  But, since they didn't have Rupees just laying around, Anna instead started a grass-roots campaign to raise awareness about the issue.  Over the last 30 years, his movement has gained a tremendous amount of steam.  ANNA HAZARE went from village idiot to national hero.

Okay...you're asking yourself...of all the problems facing India...is Corruption really the most pressing issue?  The answer is: Yes!  Let's look at the stats.  According to a recent study by TRANSPARENCY INDIA, nearly half of all Indians (that's half a billion people!) admitted to paying a bribe to a government official.  Another study by a Swiss-bank-watchdog-group reported that Indian citizens have a whopping $1.4 trillion dollars in 'black money' stashed away in secret bank accounts.  Yes...that is a lot of money.  The group reported India has more 'black money' in Swiss bank accounts than the rest of the world combined!  And it's not just private citizens.  Graft is also a problem in government.  Currently, 120 of India's 522 members of Parliament are under federal indictments.  Hmm...maybe ANNA HAZARE isn't so crazy after all!

What also bothers Hazare is the general acceptance of corruption in Indian society.  The aforementioned study focused also on one field to help make this point: The trucking industry.  Like everywhere else in the world, Indian highways have occasional 'truck inspection stations' where all trucks must be stopped to be weighed.  But unlike freeways in the US and Europe, Indian weigh-stations have makeshift booths in front of the scales where every driver must stop and pay a fee.  The study concluded that Indian truckers pay $5 billion in such bribes annually.  It's that bad.  A famous Hazare quote goes like this: "In India, your parents must bribe the hospital to get your birth certificate.  Your life only gets more expensive from there."

While everyone in India today is applauding ANNA HAZARE for starting a national debate on this appalling subject, many are questioning his methods for achieving it.  Specifically, his blatant comparisons of himself to revered national hero, MAHATMA GANDHI.  It's true, Anna looks like Gandhi, dresses like Gandhi and often makes speeches in front of huge posters of Gandhi.  His continued use of hunger strikes...a Gandhi favorite...to make his point has angered many, especially RAHUL GANDHI.  He worried that sensationalized and theatrical stunts like this simply have no place in a modern nation and "set a dangerous precedent for a democracy."

We here at the DUNER BLOG aren't sure who 's right or wrong...but we do have some advice for any readers planning a trip to India.  Be sure to get plenty of 100 Rupee Notes before you leave.  You'll need them to get your suitcase out of baggage claim!

AUG 17 BERT AND ERNIE AREN'T GAY

AUG 17 BERT AND ERNIE AREN'T GAY

Every American kid who was born after the year 1969 grew up watching SESAME STREET.  For our confused international readers...lemme clarify.  The aforementioned show featured talking puppets who entertained kids while secretly educating them.  The cast included memorable friends like Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, Grover the Monster and his obnoxious nephew, Elmo.  But my personal favorite was always BERT and ERNIE.  While the other characters were solid individuals, Bert and Ernie were best buddies.  They were inseparable and did everything together.  Yep, as a kid, I wanted to grow up and have a friendship just like BERT and ERNIE.

Well, it turns out other Americans also wanted to up and have a relationship just like BERT and ERNIE: Gays and Lesbians.  After further investigation, it's clear.  BERT and ERNIE did everything together.  They ate together.  They played together.  They even argued together.  They even slept in the same room together!  No wonder they're icons in the gay world.  NOTE: It turns out many things you loved as a kid are also gay icons...try watching THE WIZARD OF OZ and remember this.

Anyhow, curious readers must be asking themselves: Why is Duner bringing this up now?  Well, last month the NEW YORK STATE LEGISLATURE legalized gay marriage.  And, since SESAME STREET is based in Manhattan, it only seemed logical that BERT and ERNIE finally legitimize their gay relationship as well.  Overnight, the New York LGBT community got cooking.  Online petitions, Facebook pages and Twitter campaigns popped up demanding our two favorite puppets tie the knot.  It would show kids that: "Gay marriage and homosexuality in general deserve tolerance."

Not so, says the CHILDREN'S TELEVISION WORKSHOP.  In response to these online demands, Public Television did not waver.  Proud of their lovable characters, they issued a statement designed to finally clear the air regarding our favorite friends.  "Bert and Ernie have lived together for decades as best of friends." CTW began. "Like college roommates in a cramped dorm, they share the same bedroom, sleeping in separate single beds. They were created to teach children about friendship that transcends radical differences in personality, a la “The Odd Couple”

All of this must be confusing to children.  It takes something simple and adds a bunch of adult concepts like marriage, homosexuality and law.  All of which brings me back to the initial reason why I loved BERT and ERNIE in the first place.  I wanted to grow up and have a friendship just like them.  Nothing more, nothing less.
 

   

AUG 9 SYRIA NEEDS TO GET RID OF BASHIR AL-ASSAD

AUG 9  SYRIA NEEDS TO GET RID OF BASHIR AL-ASSAD

I know...I know...we are all sick and tired of the ARAB SPRING. First of all, it's August. We're in late summer, not spring. Second of all, Arab Revolutions are only good when the tyrant dictator is actually disposed. We cheered loudly when ZINE EL ABIDINE fled Tunisia after 23 years of one-party government.  Everyone loved it when a weak and frail HOSNI MUBARAK was forced into exile after 30 years of military rule.  However...the Arab Revolution in Libya hasn't been any fun: Crazy ol' GHADAFI is still livin' large in his Tripoli penthouse.  Okay...finally, the main reason were all sick and tired of the ARAB SPRING is because we here at the DUNER BLOG don't believe the Arabs will ever be able to agree on any thing in any season!

Which brings us to our current participant in this dubious competition: SYRIA. Over the weekend, another hundred civilians died during violent protests in the Southern city of Hama. Anyone who's seen the movie LAWRENCE OF ARABIA can tell you what's the problem.  The Arabs just can't "get along." Small disagreements quickly escalate into armed combat.   After the first World War, the Middle East had a golden opportunity to create new political entities...perhaps a 'United Arab States' or a vast Arabian Kingdom. Unfortunately the only one who could agree on anything was our favorite Englishman, T.E. Lawrence.  The angry Arabs became embroiled in petty infighting, which opened the door for Britain and France to come in.  They drew up the silly countries that are falling apart today.

As we all know, the two biggest groups of Arabs who refuse to 'get along' are the Shi'ites and the Sunnis.  Just like in the streets of Baghdad, these two groups are going at it in Southern Syria. You see, BASHIR AL-ASSAD is a Shi'ite from the Alawite sect.  While Alawites comprise only 20% of Syria's population, they make up 70% of the armed forces and 100% of the government.  With this unfair monopoly, the Al-Assad family and have controlled all aspects of Syria for the last 30 years. Since the people in charge of Syria are Shi'tes, they receive military and financial aid from the largest Shi'ite nation on earth: IRAN. Billions of Iranian Rials have been funneled from Tehran to Damascus over the years making the Syrian army quite powerful.  At the moment, they are killing unarmed Sunni civilians and no one really cares.

Wait!  Someone does care about unarmed Sunni civilians!  The Saudi King ABDULLAH!  Yesterday, he closed up the Saudi embassy in Damascus and issued a bunch of mean statements about Bashir.  He called the killings in Hama "grotesque and abhorrent" and that they "have nothing to do with religion."  C'mon, Abdhullah!  It has everything to do with religion.  You're playing a chess game with the Shi'ite Iranians.  They just made a move in Syria.  You just knocked down a Shi'ite revolution in Bahrain last April.  This type of tit-for-tat warfare between these two large, powerful Islamic sects is exactly what drove T.E. Lawrence crazy a century ago.

Unfortunately, nations like Syria are doomed to civil unrest until their citizens can put aside their religious and ethnic differences for the greater good of all.  Syria is a mess.  We forgot to mention the 10% of the population who are CHRISTIAN.  (Their alliance with Bashir is looking horrible at the moment.)  And we won't even start with the DRUZE or KURD populations living in the mountains.  (Talk about hatred!)  Nope, we here at the DUNER BLOG believe the real hope for Syria (and the Middle East) lies in the only thing that unites them all: the Arabic Language.  The younger generations throughout the region have been united by technological advances that are based in a common tongue.  They are talking about Arab peace and co-existence.  To us, that's the real message of the ARAB SPRING!  Are you listening, BASHIR AL-ASSAD?

AUG 2 ANGKOR WAT IS BEING DESTROYED BY TOURISTS

AUG 2 ANGKOR WAT IS BEING DESTROYED BY TOURISTS

For nearly one thousand years, Cambodia's mighty temples at ANGKOR WAT have survived the worst.  They've weathered hundreds of vicious typhoons.  They've endured thousands of horrendous floods. They've withstood the fierce assaults from the armies of China, Thailand and India.   The ruins even withstood heavy bombardment from the Viet-Cong.   Heck, they were the one of the few things in Cambodia to survive a decade of abuse from the world's worst dictator ever, POL POT.  (Hiss!)  However, the ancient Khmer ruins are proving to be no match against the most ravenous invaders of them all: TOURISTS!

What?  You've never even heard of ANGKOR WAT?  According to their website, it's the "World's Largest Religious Building."  Alright, let's take a quick trip back to the year 1113 AD.  That's when the mighty King SURYAVARMAN II came to the throne.  His 30-year reign was the 'Golden Age' for Cambodia as his kingdom was five times larger than the current nation.  His empire encompassed all of modern-day Thailand, Laos, Vietnam and parts of Malaysia...Wow!  A devout Hindu, SURYAVARMAN II constructed a massive complex of temples, galleries, towers, cloisters, moats and reflective pools to honor his favorite deity, Vishnu.  Centuries later, when the Khmer converted to Buddhism, so did the temples.  ANGKOR WAT became a holy site for both faiths.  However, over the last century, neglect has ruined the ruins.

Things began to change in 1990 when the evil Khmer Rouge was finally overthrown.  The new Cambodian government eased travel restrictions and began rehabilitating the massive site.  "Bucket List" tourists worldwide jumped at the chance to see ANGKOR WAT and the number of visitors has risen exponentially.  In 1999, there were 60,000 tourists.  This year, they expect two million visitors.  Construction of the new airport is under way, so by 2020, six million people are expected to arrive.  These people need a place to stay, so the nearby town, Siem Reip, the closest village, has mushroomed into a miniature Las Vegas.  It now boasts 320 hotels, 550 restaurants and countless massage parlors.  There's even a Swensen Ice Cream Parlor.  RICKY MARTIN was just there!

Unfortunately, after you live La Vida Loca there is the inevitable hangover.  The government of Cambodia is completely overwhelmed by the tourism phenomenon.  It simply cannot protect ANGKOR WAT, its most precious commodity.  Signs on the small fences forbid tourists from climbing on the ruins...but for the wrong reason.  They merely warn people that when they climb on the ancient temples, they do so "at their own risk."  Ancient stone monuments are no match for Banana Republic rubber boot soles.  Also, Cambodia's tiny infrastructure cannot handle the intense demand.  It's no secret that all raw sewage is simply dumped into the nearby Tonle Sap Lake.  JEFF MORGAN of the Global Heritage Fund bluntly says: "Tourist management sucks.  They've had twenty years to work on it!"

However, according to PHILIPPE DELANGHE of UNESCO, the most pressing problem at Angkor Wat isn't graffiti or trash.  Rather, Philippe is worried the ground underneath the complex.  The temples were built on not so solid ground.  This delicate balance between sand and water is suddenly being drastically altered, as water is currently being pumped into Siem Reap at an alarming rate.  It's needed in the hotels, restaurants, massage parlors and...most importantly...to water the new 18-hole golf course!  In fact, the most visited site, the Banyan temple, is already slipping into a sinkhole.  So...if you're planning a trip to ANGKOR WAT anytime soon...please keep your carbon footprint in mind.  And, most importantly, NO GOLF!

JULY 26 LAST AUSTRO-HUNGARIAN EMPEROR BURIED IN VIENNA

JULY 26 LAST AUSTRO-HUNGARIAN EMPEROR BURIED IN VIENNA

Last week, the last emperor of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, OTTO VON HABSBURG, was laid to rest in St. Stephen's Cathedral in Vienna.  He was 98 years old.   The burial rites were conducted under strict accordance with the detailed laws of the empire.  First, thirteen days of mourning were observed.  Next, five requiem masses were held in three separate nations (Austria, Germany and Hungary).  Finally, over one-hundred-thousand Austrians crammed into the Heldenplatz to pay their final respects before the body was entombed in the IMPERIAL CRYPT.  But...here's the gruesome part...the entire body wasn't laid to rest.  Also part of Habsburg tradition, Otto's heart was removed and buried in an abbey in Budapest.  Why?  To forever show the solemn unity of the two peoples.

Okay...you're confused.  You're asking: "Who is OTTO VON HABSBURG, anyhow?"  Born in 1912, our "King without a Kingdom," was a mere lad when the TREATY OF VERSAILLES was signed a couple years later.  The controversial treaty abolished the monarchy, broke up the empire and founded a new Austrian Republic.  It also forced the royal family into exile in Switzerland.  Our Otto was only nine years old when his father died. Otto was then crowned Emperor...of nation that didn't exist.  However, his mother, EMPRESS ZITA, thought otherwise.  She firmly believed her son would someday rule over the empire again.  Otto became fluent in German, Hungarian, Croatian, English, French and Latin...so he would be able to address his future subjects.  This all may sound crazy; but the empress was right.  It was clear most Austrians despised the proxy "republic" and longed for a return to the glory days of Habsburg rule. 

Another person who also knew how Austrians felt about their government was none other than...get ready to boo...ADOLF HITLER.  He saw Otto...now a respected 37-year-old author and statesmen...as an arch-rival who already owned the hearts and minds of Central Europe.  (Anyone who has ever seen THE SOUND OF MUSIC knows this!)  One of the fist actions Hitler took after the Nazi annexation of Austria was to issue a death sentence for Otto.  RUDOLF HESS even took it a step further; authorizing any German citizen the right to kill Otto on the spot.   Hitler also demanded immediate confiscation and seizure of all Habsburg property to insure Austria could never return to the monarchy he so thoroughly detested.  However, none of this mattered to our brave Otto...he was too busy ferrying 15,000 Austrians (including many Jews) out of the country to safety in neighboring lands.

When World War II began, Otto left Europe altogether.  The Allies also knew of his importance, so our hero was secretly relocated to Washington DC, where he served as an unofficial ambassador of Austria.  When the war ended, there was very little interest in reviving monarchies and Austria was returned to a republic.  Once again, Otto was banned from his native state.  In fact, for the first year after the war, the poor guy didn't even have a passport!  Finally, CHARLES DE GAULLE stepped up and arranged for him to have a one from MONACO.  For the rest of his life, Otto worked tirelessly as an advocate for a united, peaceful Europe where three faiths (Christianity, Islam and Judaism) could all live together.

Too often in European History classrooms, the great Austrian Empires are lumped together with the horrendous German Empires.  In actuality, Vienna fought against Berlin.  The Austrians often lost on the battlefields.  (Not only to the Germans, but the French, Turks and Italians as well.)  However, the Habsburgs were successful in other, much more important realms.  They helped plant the seeds for great cultures that grow in the countries they used to rule.  Their main goals were to build cathedrals, schools, universities and opera houses in the lands the conquered...not death camps.  So, in order for the world to better appreciate these often forgotten achievements, we here at the DUNER BLOG propose that the word for the German language should be renamed to AUSTRIAN.


NOTE: And also...since this is the DUNER BLOG...here is Otto's official name:  He is Franz Joseph Otto Robert Maria Anton Karl Max Heinrich Sixtus Xavier Felix Renatus Ludwig Gaetan Pius Ignatius von Habsburg.

JULY 19 CARMAGEDDON WAS ONE WACKY WEEKEND IN L.A.

JULY 19 CARMAGEDDON WAS ONE WACKY WEEKEND IN L.A.

Normally, when a city closes road for repairs, it's not headline news.  However...LOS ANGELES is by no means a normal city...so last weekend's freeway closure became a top national story.  For those of you lucky enough not to have heard about this, here's a quick summary:  In order to widen the 405 Freeway to twenty-six lanes, (exaggeration) a bridge needed to be demolished first.  This meant...gasp!...closing the crucial artery for an entire weekend.  Instantly, ten million people began to panic, thanks to media-fueled frenzy predicting the worst.  No...it would be even worse than the worst...Los Angeles would be engulfed in deadly CARMAGEDDON!

Just how did this all get so out of hand?  Well, it's a simple fact that in America, and particularly in L.A., local news stations are in a constant competition for higher ratings.  While feel-good pieces about firemen-saving-cats-in-trees are sweet, it's a fact that FEAR-BASED stories get higher ratings.  Within days of L.A. county supervisor ZEV YAROSLOVSKY's initial press conference, the minor story mushroomed into headline news.  Prognosticators painted a dire picture of a gridlocked city, with motorists trapped in their cars, gasping for air.  Of course NONE OF THIS HAPPENED, because by the time JULY SIXTEENTH came, everyone in L.A. was too terrified to walk outside. 

But don't worry...this being Los Angeles, there were a number of really wacky things that actually did happen.  You see, Californians are notorious at finding a way to CASH IN on just about anything, and CARMAGGEDON was a perfect opportunity to do just that.  Naturally, T-shirt sales skyrocketed, because that's what people wear in L.A. (We like: "I'll tell you my alternate route...if you tell me yours!")   Local businesses also got involved.  The Santa Monica Pier gave free passes to anyone with a San Fernando Valley Zip code.  Gladstone's restaurant in Pacific Palisades served up special $4.05 entrees.  Body Wellness offered a gridlock-relief yoga class.  It was...like...oh my god...totally bitchen!

However, there was one crazy CARMAGEDDON caper that had everyone here at the DUNER BLOG laughing so hysterically, we simply must share it with our readers:  One airline, JET BLUE, offered to fly folks over the freeway to avoid the traffic altogether.  Flight #405 ran only two days and was a mere 29 miles, from LAX to Burbank.  The in-flight meal was an L.A. favorite: Vietnamese spring rolls, chicken skewers, pitas and hummus.  Yum!  The fare was $4 for coach, $5 for business.  JET BLUE airline lost a bundle of cash, but gained a ton of FREE PUBLICITY...another L.A. favorite!

Finally, environmentalists also saw CARMAGEDDON as a vehicle to get their message out.  Activists reminded residents about how other great metropolises like London and Paris have "car free" weekends...why not L.A.?  Public Transport reported record ridership, especially on the Red Line subway that connects downtown to the valley.  But the most creative activists were the handful of bicyclists who decried to environmental waste of the Jet Blue publicity stunt.  (It did use a lot of jet fuel.) Anyhow, a dozen cyclists gathered at Los Angeles International airport and proceeded to race the plane across town.  And they won, beating the Airbus A320 jet to Burbank by fifteen minutes.  NOTE: The rollerblader racers lost.  WE LOVE L.A.!


BONUS JOKE: "So in the end it wasn't CARMAGEDDON after all.  More like CAR-DASHIAN: A whole lotta hype, but nothing real happened." -Jay Leno

JULY 12 SOUTH SUDAN IS THE WORLD'S NEWEST COUNTRY

JULY 12 SOUTH SUDAN IS THE WORLD'S NEWEST COUNTRY

It was party time last Saturday night in the Central African city of JUBA...especially at 12:01 am (East Africa Time).  Fireworks, sirens, air-horns and million drums deafened eardrums as the city erupted in joy and jubilation.   As determined in a vote in January, JULY NINTH, 2011 would be the first Independence Day for the new nation of SOUTH SUDAN.  Oyee!

You're probably asking yourself: Does the world really need a new country?  Isn't 224 countries enough? Well, the real problem is the British and French drew up some pretty stupid "countries" one hundred years ago....and some of the borders simply must be re-drawn.  Let's face it: When 98.83% of the population votes to secede, everyone worldwide just has to suck it up and learn about a new nation.

But don't worry! We here at the DUNER BLOG are here to help and will now answer some questions about SOUTH SUDAN submitted by readers.

With a quarter of its area gone, is Sudan still Africa's biggest country? -- Jeffrey, San Francisco.
You're right, Jeffrey!  Sudan is no longer the largest nation (in terms of area, not population) on the African continent.  As of Saturday, the coveted distinction of Africa's biggest nation now belongs to: Algeria!  In fact, Sudan is now third on the list, behind the Congo...but still ahead of Libya.  NOTE: South Sudan is now the world's 45th largest nation.

Gimme some vital info about South Sudan: Capital, Language, Currency. -- Greg, Shanghai.
Not exactly as question...Greg...but we'll help you out.  The capital city is Juba.  It is the southernmost navigable port on the Nile River.  Located close to the Equator (4 degrees N), the city is hot, muggy and muddy.  The official language of South Sudan is English, although many speak Arabic.  In addition, three million citizens speak Dinka.  The currency is the South Sudanese Pound, although no bank notes have been issued.

Doesn't South Sudan have a lot of oil? -- Marvin, Mexico City.
It sure does!  Not surprisingly, petroleum reserves were the thorniest issue in the Sudanese divorce.  See, all of Sudan's four oil refineries are all located in the North.  Crude oil...along with all of its enormous profits...is simply pumped away from the South to the North.  Not any more!  As of Saturday, all oil revenue will be split 50/50 between the two states.  Note: The USA cannot legally purchase Sudanese oil as it is still under the jurisdiction of a terror-supporting regime.  Hence, Chinese companies own 80% of their reserves.

I heard South Sudan is a tough place to be a woman.  Is that true? -- Sureshnie, Johannesburg
It's true...The statistics aren't good for the ladies of South Sudan...especially if you want to be a mom.  The new nation starts off dead last on the international list of nations' Maternal Mortality Rates.  This means one in fifty women die in labor.  Almost all babies are born at home as the entire nation has only two hospitals. Get this...there is only one doctor for every half million people.  (Talk about long waits in waiting rooms!)

Do you really think this crazy new country can survive? Tracy, Manhattan.
Although most impoverished, landlocked nations do fail, we here at the DUNER BLOG believe South Sudan has a chance.  First of all, it isn't beset with religious strife, which cripples so many developing nations.  For example, the first president, SALVA KIR MAYARDIT, is a Catholic with a Muslim son.  Also, its remote location has spared it from development.  The BOMA NATIONAL PARK is home to world's second largest wildlife migration.  Finally, be sure to watch out for their national basketball team in the next Olympics.  The Dinka are the tallest people on earth!  Just ask MANUTE BOL or LOUL DENG!

One more thing: The nation's official anthem is: "SOUTH SUDAN OYEE!"