SEPT 24 OHIO STATE MASCOT TACKLED: NATION REJOICES

SEPT 24 OHIO STATE MASCOT HURT: NATION REJOICES

Many sports fans across the world joined hands and celebrated what has to be one of the most celebrated events in sports history. Much bigger than JESSIE OWENS record race in the 100m at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. And much better than BILLIE JEAN KING's win in the 'Battle of the Sexes' tennis match in 1972. Heck, this even bigger than KOBE BRYANT and the LAKERS as the current back-to-back NBA CHAMPIONS. What is it, you ask? (Well, it's in the headline, dumb-ass! And the photo!) Someone finally got to beat the crap out of BRUTUS BUCKEYE the OHIO STATE MASCOT.

Sure, some people (like BIG JACK) argue that mascots are not an integral part of sports. "No cheerleader ever won a game" they'll point out. But sports aren't just about winning and losing. No, sports are about character; sports are about how you show yourself to the world. Don't believe me? Let's play word association. I say: basketball coach BOBBY KNIGHT. What did you first think about? His national championship at Indiana? Nope, it was him throwing a chair at official in the MIDDLE OF THE GAME. It was completely OUT of CHARACTER for a mature-grey-haired-leader to act like a tantrum-throwing-toddler.

The same goes for mascots. Love it, or hate it, when TOMMY TROJAN comes thundering out on a proud white stallion brandishing a flashy sword, USC already has an advantage on the playing field. The fans go nuts and feel invincible just by association. So do the players. But what about mascots which aren't fierce? What about mascots which are just plain embarrassing like BRUTUS BUCKEYE? We all know Ohio's state nickname is the same as the tree. But why make it the mascot of the football team as well? Anyhow, just like his rival, the STANFURD TREE, he is always on the top the lists of the dumbest mascots and everyone associated with college sports suffers.

What also makes the assault of Bucky even more stupendous what how it was carried out. Hero BRANDON HANNING has been banned from any contact with Ohio sports, and he doesn't care. He admits the entire thing was premeditated. "I tried out about a year ago and the only reason I tried out was so I could come up here to Ohio State and tackle Brutus." He studied the game tape to find the best possible time to pummel him. And, to the joy of sports fans everywhere, the most important moment finally happened. Thank you, BRANDON!

SEPT 14 CHIMPANZEE MASSACRE IN THE CONGO

SEPT 14 CHIMPANZEE MASSACRE IN THE CONGO

We here at the DUNER-BLOG worry about things that other people don't. We stay up late at night worrying about that postman in Calgary who was viciously attacked by a family of hawks on her remote route. (They even broke her bicycle helmet! But she's doing fine.) We're also concerned about the vulcanologist in Sumatra who is gravely ill after inhaling ash and fumes from the surprise eruption of Mt. Sinabung. (He too is recovering well!) So it comes as no surprise that everyone at the DUNER-BLOG is completely ENRAGED over the merciless slaughter of man's closest relatives in the Eastern Congo. WE NEED TO SAVE THE CHIMPS!!!

Sorry...I got a little carried away there...but we do have a serious problem brewing in Central Africa. The so-called "Democratic Republic of the Congo" is a gigantic nation with ginormous problems. The DRC ranks 12th in the world in size. With a whopping 71 million people, it now ranks 18th on the world population charts. On the other side, the Congo has the second lowest GDP per capital of all IMF nations. People earn about $200 a year. That doesn't leave a lot of money for good food. So people eat whatever they can. And the easiest thing to catch and eat is a chimpanzee. SOMEONE NEEDS TO HELP THE CHIMPS!!!

But aren't chimps protected? Sure, but a law is only good when it is enforced, which has never happened in the Congo. Uh-oh! It's time for another DUNER-BLOG HISTORY LESSON! Here we go: Until 1850, aside from a couple of crazy-ass English explorers, no white people ever ventured very deep into the jungles of Africa. Hence, much of the Congo lay unclaimed when BELGIUM arrived very late in the colonial free-for-all of the 1800's. They hired SIR HENRY STANLEY (Livingstone was busy) to explore the massive area and claim everything he saw for Belgium. He did an amazing job. The BELGIAN CONGO was now on the map. Let the plundering begin! For the next 50 years, King Leopold enslaved locals to produce rubber and mine for diamonds. When Zaire became independent in 1960, all 100,000 Europeans instantly fled. For the last 50 years, the DR Congo (the nation has changed its name six times) has wallowed in civil war and anarchy. SO THERE IS NO ONE THE HELP THE CHIMPS!!!

Indeed, and as poverty spreads, people become more and more desperate for food. In the outdoor markets, BUSH MEAT is becoming more and more common. Poachers venture into the plentiful rain forests with high-tech American-made rifles and pluck off the peaceful chimps like shooting practice. Just how bad is it? A researcher from the University of Amsterdam, CLEVE HICKS recently reported the the LONDON GUARDIAN about his startling discoveries in the Eastern Congo. Having made many trips over the past couple of decades to observe the primates, he couldn't help but notice an alarming increase in the number of orphaned chimps in the last year. He looked but found no bones or carcasses of corresponding adults. In search of an answer, he inquired in the local town and quickly found the answer. The fifty adult chimp carcasses were right there, behind the outdoor market. IT WAS TOO LATE TO HELP THE CHIMPS!!!

Hundreds of years from now, historians will look back at the year 2010 and wonder. In the year 1810 or 1910, it was understandable why poachers were allowed to drive certain animal species to extinction...science was still in its infancy. But in 2010, when everyone understood that EXTINCTION IS FOREVER, they still ignored vital signs and let the earth deteriorate. These historians will look at the news headlines on Sept. 14, 2010 and will understand why we let the Chimps die. LADY GAGA WON EIGHT MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS!!!

SEPT 9 FINALLY! PLAYBOY MAGAZINE FOR THE BLIND!

SEPT 9 FINALLY! PLAYBOY MAGAZINE FOR THE BLIND

All my life I've pondered a difficult question: How do blind people read PLAYBOY MAGAZINE? Sure, it's easy to get a Charles Dickens novel read to you on an audio tape. Or one could read the LA Times in braille. Both would be pretty similar to actually reading a book or looking at a newspaper. But PLAYBOY is all about the pages themselves. Sure, a blind person could hold the magazine...but it just wouldn't be the same!

Well, thanks to volunteers at the TAPING FOR THE BLIND FOUNDATION in Houston, folks can ...for the first time ever...get verbal descriptions of Playboy Magazine. A local DJ for a classic rock radio station named SUZI HANKS was approached about the project. She was happy to use her, deep, sultry voice for something other than announcing yet another classic from LED ZEPPELIN. And the results have been amazing. It's one of the most requested items from the foundation's catalog. But she denies trying to 'sex-up' her takes. Says Hanks: "I just read it, and I'm a woman. That's pretty much all the sexy."

She doesn't read the magazine cover-to-cover. She begins with the articles and the jokes. She also describes the cartoons and reads the phony 'letters to the editor.' But sooner or later, she gets to the centerfold. Okay, Okay, I'll give you a sampling:

"She's a Latina, brunette with dark, chocolate eyes. She has long curly brown hair. In the first photo, she is sitting in the ocean. She has a very large grin on her face, pink lipstick. She has a small tattoo right over the small of her back, over the dimple area, that appears to be some sort of tribal design. It is red. Her legs are kind of crossed. Behind her shoulder, down past her arm, you can see her breast peeking out. There are no tan lines at all. She is not wearing any nail polish or jewelry, or...anything!"

Ahem! When asked later why she mentioned the nail polish, Hanks replied: "Sometimes it's all they have on!"

AUG 31 PITY POOR PAKISTAN--NO ONE LOVES YOU!

AUG 31 PITY POOR PAKISTAN--NO ONE LOVES YOU!

For those of you who just read my blog and get no other sources of news: There has been massive flooding in Pakistan. An "Act of God" has unleashed deluge after deluge on the country, destroying everything in its path. The statistics are staggering. The most rainfall in 80 years. 2,000 people dead. 1.4 million acres of farm land destroyed. Eight million people displaced. A fifth of the country is still underwater. Even TEN THOUSAND COWS HAVE DROWNED!!!

But...no matter how loudly we scream about the misery in Pakistan...NO ONE seems to care. Which is unlike other natural disasters. In fact, earlier this year I blogged about how impressive private American response was to the earthquake in Haiti. (Remember, even one of the JONAS BROTHERS went to Port-au-Prince to help?) Trust me, no one from the DisneyChannel hit series CAMP ROCK is flying to Karachi to help this crisis. Don't believe me? Let's check the statistics. So far, US relief agencies have raised $12 million dollars to help Pakistan. These same organizations donated $500 million to Haiti...some 40 times more!

Why the big disparity in aid? Well, let's face it, some countries just are popular and some are not. Everyone loves the JAMAICAN BOBSLED TEAM. No one loves terrorist camps in the TORA BORA MOUNTAINS. Everyone loves happy kids playing at DISNEYLAND. No one loves seeing brainwashed children chanting in fundamentalist Islamic MADRASAH SCHOOLS. Get my point? So when we get news that the cave where OSAMA BIN LADEN lives might be wrecked, we tend to celebrate instead of writing a check to OXFAM.

And it's not just Americans. Pakistan's neighbor INDIA hasn't sent much aid either. The two countries have severed relations after Pakistani nationals were convicted of killing 100 people in a downtown Mumbai hotel. And while other Islamic nations like Iran and Indonesia have 'observer status' in the ARAB LEAGUE, Pakistan's turbulent politics have ruined this relationship as well. The bottom line is: Pakistan has no friends.

However, SAMUEL WORTHINGTON of the charity InterAction disagrees with this notion. It's wrong to view a nation only through the eyes of skewed media. He reminds us that Pakistan's population is now at 170 million, making it the sixth largest nation on earth. More people live in Pakistan than in Russia, Japan or Mexico. Yet the whole nation "tends to be labeled through a very small subset of terrorists." Worthington asserts that the vast majority of Pakistani people, "Whether they are lawyers or farmers, they are just people who simply want to live in peace. Their story doesn't get told, but it needs to be told, especially when they're suffering."

AUG 20 CHINA OVERTAKES JAPAN AS #2 WORLD ECONOMY

AUG 20 CHINA OVERTAKES JAPAN AS #2 WORLD ECONOMY

It's been RUMORED to happen for years, but the official stats are now in: According to a Japanese government report, the nation's GNP growth grew a measly 0.4% in the last financial quarter. This puts the island nation's nominal GNP (a figure not adjusted for price and seasonal variations) at $1.286 trillion. China, who's quarterly growth was ten times of Japan's, now has a nominal GNP of $1.335 trillion. This means that for the FIRST TIME EVER China's economy is the second largest on earth!

Now this many seem trivial to some...but let's face it...this list doesn't change very often. The last time a nation in the top two spots switched was way back in 1968, when Japan nudged WEST GERMANY out of the #2 spot. And, unless Europe manages to merge into one country, it likely won't change for another 42 years either. How has this bombshell affected world economies? The Dow Jones fell 73 points. The French CAAC and German DAX stock markets also dropped sharply. The Japanese Nikkei naturally fell the most, hitting a thirteen-month low. Ouch!

While the Japanese mourn, the Chinese can celebrate. After all, China can truly now claim that the boisterous, robust nation is the main reason for the world's slow, but steady, climb out of massive recession. With 10% growth, it is indeed a global beacon. But, amongst the top five economies, China is definitely a black sheep. With an average personal income of just $3,600, it has a huge gap between rich and poor. China relies heavily on other nations purchasing their exports, which...as we all know...aren't always the best products. On the other hand, Japan is the world's largest producer of cars and technological products. When this sector sees slow growth, it is much more alarming to the world economic machine. It shows how demand, particularly in Asia, is cooling considerably.

Naoto Kan, Japan's prime minister, knows the heat is on. But he's trying to downplay it as mere statistical nonsense. Or, as Kyohei Morita, the chief economist as BARCLAY'S CAPITAL in Tokyo said: "We should be more concerned about per-capita GDP. This this just symbolic. It's nothing more than that." Let's hope he's right, or we'll all be driving some pretty cheap Chinese cars real soon!

AUG 13 BRITON FIRST MAN TO WALK ENTIRE AMAZON RIVER

Earlier this week, a 34 year old former English Army Captain named became the first known human to walk the entire length of the Amazon River. It took ED STAFFORD a total of 859 days (two-and-a-half years) to complete. But today, the tenacious man from Hallation, Leicestershire can boldly state that he has done something NO MAN HAS EVER DONE BEFORE. And...something no one will likely ever do again!

During the course of his journey from the tiny APURIMAC RIVER (the source of the Amazon, high in the Peruvian Andies) to the sandy beaches of the ATLANTIC OCEAN, Ed encountered obstacles that would baffle ordinary people. The Brazilian government has little control over the indigenous peoples who live in the heart of the world's largest rain forest. So in order to cross large patches of jungle, he had to negotiate with tribal chiefs for permission to walk across their lands. He soon learned that leaders communicated with other villages using short wave radios. It was wise to ask neighboring villages ahead of time to avoid conflict. However, once this planned backfired. A chief had replied "No gringo may walk on our soil" and really meant it. When he arrived, poor Ed was imprisoned in a cage for two days before things got worked out!

While PEOPLE were could be negotiated with, the AMINALS could not. As everyone knows, the largest carnivores in the world are found in the Amazon Basin. The most ferocious are the CAIMAN CROCODILES. The largest one Ed saw was a whopping EIGHTEEN FEET LONG. However, Ed blogged that they were not very interested in humans. Neither was another obvious foe, the giant ANACONDA snakes, who also eschewed eating British explorers. No, the worst natural enemy Ed had to face were the giant colonies of LEAF-CUTTER ANTS. These voracious insects have extremely sharp teeth. Within seconds, they could lacerate his legs or suddenly rip his tent to shreds. However, there was one enemy that Ed managed to turn the tables on: the mighty schools of man-eating PIRANHA FISH. Ed caught them, smoked them, and ate them with sea salt for dinner!

Although he raised the $100,000 to fund the expedition mostly through non-profit corporations, Ed insists he no left-wing-eco-warrior. He says he loves adventure and the thrill of exploration. But, through his blog, he does want to bring awareness to the real situation occurring in the rain forest. While he believes the average Amazon resident is acutely aware of the dangers of de-forestation, many renegade, corrupt tribal leaders are not. They operate in areas federal governments cannot reach and are to blame for much of the illegal logging. However, Ed 'keeps his fingers crossed' that the next generation of Amazon leaders will be 'more in tune with the delicate situation' and will work with outside help to best preserve the earth's largest producer of live-giving oxygen.

How does Mr. Stafford feel about his accomplishment? He said: "It's been an incredible journey with some amazing highs, but also some pretty horrendous lows as well. But I just couldn't consider giving in." Another question reporters asked: What's next? Stafford replied that he does indeed have another exploration planned, but he wouldn't divulge any secrets. He didn't want anyone else beating him to it!

NOTE: Watch Ed's videos and read his blogs at ManWalksTheAmazon.com

JULY 27 MOSCOW CRIPPLED BY HISTORIC HEATWAVE

JULY 27 MOSCOW CRIPPLED BY HISTORIC HEATWAVE

Bikinis and Speedos were all folks were wearing on the lawns of beautiful KOLOMENSHOYE PARK this week as record temperatures wrecked havoc in the Russian capital. While Muscovites know how to handle extreme cold better than anyone, they are completely baffled at how to combat extreme heat. Over fifty people have drowned in one week, as many attempt to swim without any prior experience. Shelves in electronic retailers are empty, as air-conditioners are now dominating the always thriving Moscow black market. Even the traditional 'changing-of-the-cavalry-guard' at Cathedral Square has been cancelled for the first time ever. Seems soldiers were passing out while marching in their traditional bright red wool coats.

Just how hot is it? Well, let's ask the experts. At 17:00 Moscow time (11:00 GMT) the principal meteorological station at the National Exhibition Center registered 98.06 degrees Farenheit, breaking the record of 1936 with the maximum temperature for July of 97.70 degrees. There's a chance of breaking the all-time record in Moscow of 98.24 degrees set back in 1920. (Wow! And I though GERMAN weathermen were detail-oriented!) And while my Mom in PHOENIX is reading this right now and saying: "98 degrees is cold," remember Ma, it never gets to 22 degrees BELOW ZERO in Arizona. (This year's lowest temperature in Moscow.)

Anyhow, with record TEMPERATURES comes record forest fires, so much of European Russia is now engulfed in flames. And...as you know...Russia is BIG! A state of emergency has been declared in 18 provinces as 26,000 hectares of crops have been destroyed. That's an area the size of PORTUGAL! (Told you Russia was BIG!) But don't worry, despite these loses, Russian authorities have announced that they will not be importing any grain. They have enough wheat stockpiled in reserves to withstand another German or French invasion...so a forest fire is no problem.

And finally, let's hear from the environmentalists. A GREENPEACE spokesperson in Moscow blamed humans for the meteorologic mess, noting that July 2010 has seen worldwide temperatures up 1.22 degrees from the average. Our friends at the principal meteorological station at the Central Exhibition Center refute this, noting curious trends. An unusually cold low pressure system northwest of the United Kingdom and a very dry high pressure system in the Mediterranean has brought hot African air to Central Europe resulting in the current situation.

Looks like the Kremlin is cooked!