MAY 20 ROBOTS INVADE JAPANESE HOSPITALS

MAY 20 ROBOTS INVADE JAPANESE HOSPITALS

(NOTE: Sorry about the tabloid headline. Just trying to boost readership.)

As we all know, Japan boast the highest life expectancy of any nation on earth. It's clear: The fish/rice/sake diet is the healthiest diet on earth. In fact, in the land of the rising sun, the average person lives to be a ripe-old 82.6 years. (On the same list, the USA is #38, right behind #37 CUBA!) Anyhow, this means Japan has a lot of old people. A whopping one quarter of the current population is over the age of sixty-five. And, as we all know, older people need a lot of medical attention. Not surprisingly, Japan's hospitals are having trouble finding enough staff to take care of its growing elderly population.

So where do you go...if you're Japan...to hire a nurse? The first option is the younger generation. There's got to be a lot of people who want a career in medicine! Unfortunately, Japan has a negative population growth rate. There just ain't enough kids. Next idea: OUT-SOURCE! And where do nations in the Far East go for cheap labor? THE PHILIPPINES! True, many Filipinos have come to Tokyo in hopes of landing a great job. Only one problem: In order to work in a Japanese hospital, you must first demonstrate your fluency in Japanese. All applicants must first past a rigorous language exam. According to a BBC report, 98% fail the test. Strike Two!

Not wanting Japan to 'strike out,' a professor from Osaka has come forward with a plan. Meet HIROSHI ISHIGURO. He's a leader in the field of robotics. He is known worldwide for his advancements in the subject. Recently, Ishiguro unveiled an ACTROID, a very lifelike robot that really resembles a person. It's wired it to have facial emotions, like surprise and joy. It can speak perfect Japanese. Ishiguro feels his robots could fill the employment vacuum...not only in hospitals but in other service industries as well.

While this plan may seem outlandish to us, it is gaining an amazing amount of support in Japan. After all, the nation has always been on the cutting edge of technology and this does seem like a logical step. However, it does expose a rather unsettling aspect of Japanese culture: Xenophobia. There's a reason why that language exam is so tough...Japan has never liked immigration. Throughout its long history, the islands have banned foreigners, eschewing the outside world. Simply put, many Japanese would prefer a robot to immigrant labor.

Which brings us back to our tabloid title. Well, perhaps robots aren't INVADING hospitals, but don't be surprised when your local Emergency Room is staffed by ACTIODS!

May 13 ENGLAND'S GOT A NEW PRIME MINISTER!

May 13 ENGLAND'S GOT A NEW PRIME MINISTER

Did you hear the BIG news on Tuesday out of London? Well, lemme tell you! There's a brand new PRIME MINISTER on No. 10 DOWNING STREET! Ladies and Gentleman, let me proudly introduce DAVID CAMERON and his gorgeous young wife SAMANTHA. His family has been in English politics for centuries. His Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandfather was William the fourth. He the Queen's fifth cousin, twice removed. Anyhow, recent elections tilted Parliament from Labour to Conservative. Lame Duck PM GORDON BROWN resigned after a turbulent three years. Mr. Cameron, head of the Conservative Party was appointed to the post. Got it?

Don't feel bad: Many Americans don't understand the Parliamentary system of government. The main differences between ours and theirs is how leaders are elected and the length of time one serves. Prime Minsters are not directly elected by the people. Rather, a governing body (Congress...Parliament...Supreme Soviet, etc.) decides who will lead. They also decide how long. In fact, anytime an MP (Member of Parliament) desires, he or she, can motion to remove a PM. Hence, some PMs serve decades and others months. The longest serving PM was SIR ROBERT WALPOLE who held the office for a whopping 21 years. The shortest term was the (not so) HONOURABLE GEORGE CANNING you lasted a mere three months. Think about it: In the US, we are stuck with our leader until they die or resign. (sorry, Dick Nixon!)

However, there is concern in the UK that the old system dying out. Globally, it is currently in fashion to have ONE person representing a nation. That way, at the press conference for the G-8 summit or the group photo at the NATO convention, you can easily spot your man or woman.(ANGELA MERKEL). In the UK, there seems to be a need for a more presidential Prime Minister. Prior to these Parliamentary elections...for the first time ever...a televised debate was held between Brown, Cameron and third party candidate Nick Clegg. Even though British citizens still don't directly vote an individual, the lines between candidate and political party are becoming less apparent. (But don't expect any two-year-three-ringed-circuses like the US PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS any time soon.)

Finally, there is one advantage of being a PRIME MINISTER over being a PRESIDENT: You can stay in office as long as Parliament thinks you are doing a good job. So it's not surprising that the most successful PMs also held office the longest. WILLIAM PITT THE YOUNGER (Yes..the namesake of Pittsburgh) held sway for 19 years. Also in the 'Top Ten of Tenure' are Prime Ministers MARGARET THATCHER and TONY BLAIR. Poor GORDON BROWN is ranked 34th. Anyhow, the question for today is: How will DAVID CAMERON end up ranked? Only time will tell.

But...good luck...mate! It's a jolly good time to be a WORLD LEADER!

MAY 3 R.I.P. FOR TV THEME SONGS

MAY 3 R.I.P. FOR TV THEME SONGS

One very important news item went unnoticed last week...even under my watchful eye. Last Friday, the Televison Academy announced it was removing an award from next year's EMMY BROADCAST: Main Title Songs. Yep, only a handful of TV shows have opening themes any more, so the entire category has been scrapped. Michael Schneider of VARIETY calls it: "The final nail in the TV theme song coffin." How can this be? When I was a kid, we memorized every theme song. I can still sing every line to THREE'S COMPANY or LAVERNE & SHIRLEY...can't you?

Unfortunately, we really can't blame the Academy. The real culprit here is today's amazing TV remote controls. They have thirty different buttons and can do everything from finding a channel to purchasing a car. The networks know you'll start flipping around the minute that theme music starts. So instead of an intro, stations move the viewer from one show to another as quickly as possible, WITHOUT A COMMERCIAL. In addition, many shows now start at :28 or :58 after the hour to get a two minute-jump on the other channels. They just want to slow down your trigger finger on that remote.

However, I feel the networks are making a terrible mistake. A theme song sets the tone for a show. The viewer starts singing and humming, and gets taken away to a magical place only TV can create. It could be a bar in Boston where "everybody knows your name" or a cruise ship in Mexico where "love is always exciting and new." Like Pavlov's dog, before the show starts we are already excited (and drooling) about upcoming events. BUT, the networks think we have SHORT ATTENTION SPANS and will abandon their shows unless we get murder or sex in the first thirty seconds!

Okay, in honor of theme songs, see if you can guess the following classics from one line each:

"It' s the story, of a lovely lady, who was bringing up three very lovely girls."
"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful ship."
"We're moving on up...to a deluxe apartment in the sky."
"Who can turn the world on with her smile?"
"Just some good ol' boys, never meaning no harm."

The Brady Bunch
Gilligan's Island
The Jeffersons
Mary Tyler Moore Show
Dukes of Hazard.

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You made it this far in the blog? Great! Be one of the first two people to post your name, and Duner Corp will send you the 'TV Theme Songs CD' free of charge.

April 29 FIST FIGHT IN UKRAINIAN PARLIAMENT

April 29 FIST FIGHT IN UKRAINIAN PARLIAMENT

Things got ugly in Kiev on Tuesday. Everyone knew the BLACK SEA FLEET was a contentious issue for Parliament...but few thought a FIST FIGHT would break out! It began with eggs being tossed at House Speaker Volodymyr Lytvyn (try to pronounce that aloud!). He was urging lawmakers to come to a conclusion on the controversial naval base. But the eggs kept coming. Aides produced two umbrellas to shield Mr. Lytvyn from the deluge. But the eggs kept coming. Then came the smoke bomb...and smoke alarms...and brawls. And you thought NANCY PELOSI had it rough!

Why are the Ukrainians so mad at this base? Because it hits at the heart of the main question the nation faces: Are we WITH Russia or AGAINST Russia? Uh-oh! Do I smell a history lesson? Well, it's been a while since the GOLDEN AGE OF UKRAINE. It took place from 980 - 1150 and featured such great leaders as VLADIMIR THE GREAT and...my favorite...YAROSLAV THE WISE. Next, the 'bread-basket-of-the-steppes' switched from one empire to another, culminating with 'THE RUIN.' For thirty years, Russiasns, Poles, Turks and Cossacks fought a gruesome war over sovereignity of Ukraine, leaving it in...well...RUIN. How sad is Ukrainian History? They even spent 200 years under LITHUANIAN control!

Sorry about that...back to the base. Anyhow, in 1783, Imperial Russia built a naval base on the tip of Crimeria, deep in Ukrainian territory. It became their largest, dominated the Black Sea, and became a cornerstone of the Russian (and Soviet) military. But, when Ukraine gained independence from Russia in 1991, the naval base became a sore subject. The entrenched Russian navy refused to leave. Agreements were made to let Russia keep the prized Black Sea Fleet at Sevastopol until the year 2017.

Which was all fine and good until elections last February. Simply put, the borders of Ukraine are poorly drawn. They include six Eastern provinces which should have been part of Russia. In this area, Russian is the dominant language and Russian Orthodox is the dominant faith. A leader from here, Viktor Yanukovych, won the recent elections. It was only a matter of time before he decided to push the button and bring up the idea of extending the lease on the base, enflaming tensions and sending parliament into chaos.

And when people get mad in the Ukraine, they grab the eggs. (You might not know this, but the EASTER EGG was born here!) And once you start a food fight, nothing good ever happens. Unfortunately, the same situation is occuring all over the former Soviet block, as new nations begin to dismantle seventy years of Soviet infrastructure. Let's face it: we've got a lot more conflict ahead. Let's just hope they stop throwing eggs!

NOTE: I posted a picture of opposition leader YULIA TYMOSHENKO because I've always loved her hair. AND, the photos of over-weight Ukrainian MP's wrestling in cheap suits were all very disturbing.

April 21 ICELAND VOLCANO CAN'T STOP LOVE

April 21 Iceland Volcano Can't Stop Love

Since last week's blog about the marriage of a Pakastani cricket captain to an Indian tennis star was SO popular, (O comments...WOW!) I decided to blog about another wedding ceremony--under duress--that occured this week. In the truth-is-stranger-than-fiction place known as WORLD NEWS, volcanic eruptions in remote Iceland paralyzed air travel across Europe. NOTE: When I first heard this item, I thought: If this were a movie plot, instead of real life, everyone would say: 'The screenplay of DEATH CLOUD was so un-realistic--that could never happen!'

Anyhow, back to the wedding. The closing of European airports effected people worldwide, especially SEAN MARTAGH and NATALIE MEAD. They were on holiday in Dubai and were unable to return to London for their wedding reception. They had already been married in a small civil ceremony, but were planning a big event being with friends and family. Unfortunately, they couldn't return home in time to attend their own wedding.

Rather than cancel and reschedule everyone, Sean and Natalie decided to go ahead anyhow. They set up a SKYPE connection and performed the ceremony online. The pastor in charge, CAROLINE BLACK, agreed and later commented on how easy it was. Everyone in the East London reception hall dined and danced the night away. They chatted with the newlyweds via a laptop. (See photo)

But the best part about this story wasn't what happened in East London, it was about what happened in Dubai. Dozens of fellow travelers were also stranded at the MILLENNIUM AIRPORT HOTEL. When news spread about the impromtu service, everyone got involved. A suit was donated for the groom. A gown was found for the bride. The furniture in the center lobby was turned into a makeshift wedding chapel. The hotel staff hastly prepared a three-tier cake. It was nothing short of absolutely amazing, said the thankful bride.

My father's favorite quote is: "Turn your negetives into positives." Which is exactly what the guests of the Millennium Airport Hotel did. Rather that sulk and demoan the chances of a volcano in ICELAND keeping them stranded in the ARABIAN DESERT, they took a different approach: Let's have a wedding. Complete strangers worked together and had an experience they'll never forget. Just a reminder to bloom where you are planted.

APRIL 15: INDIA & PAKISTAN: A WEDDING

APRIL 15: INDIA & PAKISTAN: A WEDDING

Today's blog resembles the classic Shakespeare play Romeo & Juliet. Only instead of competing FAMILIES we have competitive NATIONS. On one side, we have the mighty Capulet family (INDIA) who dominate the region . On the other side, we find the rival Montegue family (PAKISTAN) who aspire to similar greatness. The two are not at war, but engage in constant skirmishes with each other.

In this version of the classic play, Juliet is represented by SANIA MIRZA. A famous tennis star, she is the FIRST INDIAN WOMAN to win a WTA title. However, she is also a constant source of controversy, as many conservatives disapprove of her short skirts. Our Romeo is SHOAIB MALIK. He's the former captain of the PAKISTANI CRICKET TEAM, which is by far the most popular sport in the former British colony. Both are tabloid favorites in their respective nations, as they are not only talented athletes but beautiful celebs as well.

Just as the Montegues and Capulets fought, so do India and Pakistan. The British Empire grouped them in the same colony. But when post-war independence came, it became apparant the two could never exist together. Just as in a fairy tale, when the clock struck midnight on August 14, 1947 things turned ugly. Two new and independent nations were created. Violent riots followed, with refugees scurrying across the new international borders. Diplomatic hatred has dominated relations between the two for the next sixty years.

But back to our play. The next scene is a sports award show, where our two famous athletes meet and fall in love. Both lovers know how they will be recieved at home...with hatred and animosity. Nonetheless, their love is too great and they announce their engagement to marry. For months, the TIMES OF INDIA and the KARACHI DAILY NEWS have run scandolous front-page stories about the two. HE has a former fiancee. HER family objects. Nevertheless, on Monday, in a lovely ceremony in Hyderabad, the two took their vows and became man and wife.

Wait a second! Romeo and Juliet never got married! Indeed, this version of Shakespeare is no tragedy. The two are now happily honeymooning. It seems love does conquer hate. And who knows? Maybe the Pakistanis who spend their days plotting to bomb famous Bombay hotels will see this and have second thoughts. Maybe those Indians who burn the homes of Islamic neighbors will as well. After all, we're all just people who can fall in love with anyone, regardless of what everyone else thinks.

April 13 THE EURO'S BIGGEST CHALLENGE: THE PIGS

April 13 THE EURO'S BIGGEST CHALLENGE: THE PIGS

When the EURO made its highly anticipated debut in 1999, Milton Freidman decided the crash the party. The Nobel-Prize-Winning Economist boldly predicted the new currency's demise. He proclaimed that: "The Euro will not survive Europe's first economic crisis." He noted that a floating currency exchange responds to a specific nation's slump with lower exchange rates. With the Euro in effect, this no longer exists. When one nation fails, everyone fails.

Eleven years later, Mr. Freidman's quote was put to the test. After months of teetering on the edge, debt-ridden Greece could be ignored no longer. As an EU member Greece must keep her deficit to 3% of GDP. So when it got to 12%, the other nations had to step in. Athens needed $75 billion in bonds alone to stay afloat. The EURO-ZONE had Brussels abuzz with conferences, meetings and press conferences. Finally they came to a decision: Germany must bail Greece out.

With the deepest pockets in Europe, Chancellor Angela Merkel agreed and the Euro was saved. However, back in Germany, Merkel's approval ratings slipped to an all-time low. She was abruptly reminded that polls showed (back in the 1990's) that the German PEOPLE were clearly not in favor of scapping their precious Mark. German POLITICIANS ignored this and went ahead with the Euro. To someone in Berlin, the fact that hard-earned German money is going to lazy Greek state employees is simply intolerable.

While the Euro has survived this crisis, pundits are still not convinced it can survive the next one. Other EURO-ZONE nations are also teetering on the brink of economic meltdown. They have been grouped together: Portugal, Italy, Spain, Greece. They are known by their acronym: THE PIGS. They're lazy, smelly and wallow in the mud. They will destroy the EURO.

And while Northern Europe berates the South, they do have to realize one major problem with THE PIGS is their own doing. A good portion of the economies of these four Mediterranean nations are tourism-based. When economic recessions occur, people stop taking expensive vacations. So if the Germans really want to save their OWN economy, they better start buying pricey package deals to Ibiza and Santorini! How about THAT for an economic solution, Mr. Friedman?