April 29 FIST FIGHT IN UKRAINIAN PARLIAMENT

April 29 FIST FIGHT IN UKRAINIAN PARLIAMENT

Things got ugly in Kiev on Tuesday. Everyone knew the BLACK SEA FLEET was a contentious issue for Parliament...but few thought a FIST FIGHT would break out! It began with eggs being tossed at House Speaker Volodymyr Lytvyn (try to pronounce that aloud!). He was urging lawmakers to come to a conclusion on the controversial naval base. But the eggs kept coming. Aides produced two umbrellas to shield Mr. Lytvyn from the deluge. But the eggs kept coming. Then came the smoke bomb...and smoke alarms...and brawls. And you thought NANCY PELOSI had it rough!

Why are the Ukrainians so mad at this base? Because it hits at the heart of the main question the nation faces: Are we WITH Russia or AGAINST Russia? Uh-oh! Do I smell a history lesson? Well, it's been a while since the GOLDEN AGE OF UKRAINE. It took place from 980 - 1150 and featured such great leaders as VLADIMIR THE GREAT and...my favorite...YAROSLAV THE WISE. Next, the 'bread-basket-of-the-steppes' switched from one empire to another, culminating with 'THE RUIN.' For thirty years, Russiasns, Poles, Turks and Cossacks fought a gruesome war over sovereignity of Ukraine, leaving it in...well...RUIN. How sad is Ukrainian History? They even spent 200 years under LITHUANIAN control!

Sorry about that...back to the base. Anyhow, in 1783, Imperial Russia built a naval base on the tip of Crimeria, deep in Ukrainian territory. It became their largest, dominated the Black Sea, and became a cornerstone of the Russian (and Soviet) military. But, when Ukraine gained independence from Russia in 1991, the naval base became a sore subject. The entrenched Russian navy refused to leave. Agreements were made to let Russia keep the prized Black Sea Fleet at Sevastopol until the year 2017.

Which was all fine and good until elections last February. Simply put, the borders of Ukraine are poorly drawn. They include six Eastern provinces which should have been part of Russia. In this area, Russian is the dominant language and Russian Orthodox is the dominant faith. A leader from here, Viktor Yanukovych, won the recent elections. It was only a matter of time before he decided to push the button and bring up the idea of extending the lease on the base, enflaming tensions and sending parliament into chaos.

And when people get mad in the Ukraine, they grab the eggs. (You might not know this, but the EASTER EGG was born here!) And once you start a food fight, nothing good ever happens. Unfortunately, the same situation is occuring all over the former Soviet block, as new nations begin to dismantle seventy years of Soviet infrastructure. Let's face it: we've got a lot more conflict ahead. Let's just hope they stop throwing eggs!

NOTE: I posted a picture of opposition leader YULIA TYMOSHENKO because I've always loved her hair. AND, the photos of over-weight Ukrainian MP's wrestling in cheap suits were all very disturbing.

April 21 ICELAND VOLCANO CAN'T STOP LOVE

April 21 Iceland Volcano Can't Stop Love

Since last week's blog about the marriage of a Pakastani cricket captain to an Indian tennis star was SO popular, (O comments...WOW!) I decided to blog about another wedding ceremony--under duress--that occured this week. In the truth-is-stranger-than-fiction place known as WORLD NEWS, volcanic eruptions in remote Iceland paralyzed air travel across Europe. NOTE: When I first heard this item, I thought: If this were a movie plot, instead of real life, everyone would say: 'The screenplay of DEATH CLOUD was so un-realistic--that could never happen!'

Anyhow, back to the wedding. The closing of European airports effected people worldwide, especially SEAN MARTAGH and NATALIE MEAD. They were on holiday in Dubai and were unable to return to London for their wedding reception. They had already been married in a small civil ceremony, but were planning a big event being with friends and family. Unfortunately, they couldn't return home in time to attend their own wedding.

Rather than cancel and reschedule everyone, Sean and Natalie decided to go ahead anyhow. They set up a SKYPE connection and performed the ceremony online. The pastor in charge, CAROLINE BLACK, agreed and later commented on how easy it was. Everyone in the East London reception hall dined and danced the night away. They chatted with the newlyweds via a laptop. (See photo)

But the best part about this story wasn't what happened in East London, it was about what happened in Dubai. Dozens of fellow travelers were also stranded at the MILLENNIUM AIRPORT HOTEL. When news spread about the impromtu service, everyone got involved. A suit was donated for the groom. A gown was found for the bride. The furniture in the center lobby was turned into a makeshift wedding chapel. The hotel staff hastly prepared a three-tier cake. It was nothing short of absolutely amazing, said the thankful bride.

My father's favorite quote is: "Turn your negetives into positives." Which is exactly what the guests of the Millennium Airport Hotel did. Rather that sulk and demoan the chances of a volcano in ICELAND keeping them stranded in the ARABIAN DESERT, they took a different approach: Let's have a wedding. Complete strangers worked together and had an experience they'll never forget. Just a reminder to bloom where you are planted.

APRIL 15: INDIA & PAKISTAN: A WEDDING

APRIL 15: INDIA & PAKISTAN: A WEDDING

Today's blog resembles the classic Shakespeare play Romeo & Juliet. Only instead of competing FAMILIES we have competitive NATIONS. On one side, we have the mighty Capulet family (INDIA) who dominate the region . On the other side, we find the rival Montegue family (PAKISTAN) who aspire to similar greatness. The two are not at war, but engage in constant skirmishes with each other.

In this version of the classic play, Juliet is represented by SANIA MIRZA. A famous tennis star, she is the FIRST INDIAN WOMAN to win a WTA title. However, she is also a constant source of controversy, as many conservatives disapprove of her short skirts. Our Romeo is SHOAIB MALIK. He's the former captain of the PAKISTANI CRICKET TEAM, which is by far the most popular sport in the former British colony. Both are tabloid favorites in their respective nations, as they are not only talented athletes but beautiful celebs as well.

Just as the Montegues and Capulets fought, so do India and Pakistan. The British Empire grouped them in the same colony. But when post-war independence came, it became apparant the two could never exist together. Just as in a fairy tale, when the clock struck midnight on August 14, 1947 things turned ugly. Two new and independent nations were created. Violent riots followed, with refugees scurrying across the new international borders. Diplomatic hatred has dominated relations between the two for the next sixty years.

But back to our play. The next scene is a sports award show, where our two famous athletes meet and fall in love. Both lovers know how they will be recieved at home...with hatred and animosity. Nonetheless, their love is too great and they announce their engagement to marry. For months, the TIMES OF INDIA and the KARACHI DAILY NEWS have run scandolous front-page stories about the two. HE has a former fiancee. HER family objects. Nevertheless, on Monday, in a lovely ceremony in Hyderabad, the two took their vows and became man and wife.

Wait a second! Romeo and Juliet never got married! Indeed, this version of Shakespeare is no tragedy. The two are now happily honeymooning. It seems love does conquer hate. And who knows? Maybe the Pakistanis who spend their days plotting to bomb famous Bombay hotels will see this and have second thoughts. Maybe those Indians who burn the homes of Islamic neighbors will as well. After all, we're all just people who can fall in love with anyone, regardless of what everyone else thinks.

April 13 THE EURO'S BIGGEST CHALLENGE: THE PIGS

April 13 THE EURO'S BIGGEST CHALLENGE: THE PIGS

When the EURO made its highly anticipated debut in 1999, Milton Freidman decided the crash the party. The Nobel-Prize-Winning Economist boldly predicted the new currency's demise. He proclaimed that: "The Euro will not survive Europe's first economic crisis." He noted that a floating currency exchange responds to a specific nation's slump with lower exchange rates. With the Euro in effect, this no longer exists. When one nation fails, everyone fails.

Eleven years later, Mr. Freidman's quote was put to the test. After months of teetering on the edge, debt-ridden Greece could be ignored no longer. As an EU member Greece must keep her deficit to 3% of GDP. So when it got to 12%, the other nations had to step in. Athens needed $75 billion in bonds alone to stay afloat. The EURO-ZONE had Brussels abuzz with conferences, meetings and press conferences. Finally they came to a decision: Germany must bail Greece out.

With the deepest pockets in Europe, Chancellor Angela Merkel agreed and the Euro was saved. However, back in Germany, Merkel's approval ratings slipped to an all-time low. She was abruptly reminded that polls showed (back in the 1990's) that the German PEOPLE were clearly not in favor of scapping their precious Mark. German POLITICIANS ignored this and went ahead with the Euro. To someone in Berlin, the fact that hard-earned German money is going to lazy Greek state employees is simply intolerable.

While the Euro has survived this crisis, pundits are still not convinced it can survive the next one. Other EURO-ZONE nations are also teetering on the brink of economic meltdown. They have been grouped together: Portugal, Italy, Spain, Greece. They are known by their acronym: THE PIGS. They're lazy, smelly and wallow in the mud. They will destroy the EURO.

And while Northern Europe berates the South, they do have to realize one major problem with THE PIGS is their own doing. A good portion of the economies of these four Mediterranean nations are tourism-based. When economic recessions occur, people stop taking expensive vacations. So if the Germans really want to save their OWN economy, they better start buying pricey package deals to Ibiza and Santorini! How about THAT for an economic solution, Mr. Friedman?

APRIL 9 WHY KYRGYZSTAN IS THE BEST 'STAN' OF THEM ALL

APRIL 9 WHY KYRGYZSTAN IS THE BEST 'STAN' OF THEM ALL

What? You've never heard of Kyrgyzstan? It's the Best 'Stan' of them all! Pronounced KEER - GHAZ - STAN, it's a favorite of trivia buffs. It's one of the few nations in the world that is DOUBLE LAND-LOCKED, meaning not only is it land-locked, but all the nations that border it are also land-locked. That means it's about as far from an ocean as you can get!

But what makes Kyrgyzstan the best 'stan' of them all? (STAN is a Sanskrit word meaning 'land'). Well, it's the only 'stan' that actually allowed us to have an airforce base on their territory. Granted, we do pay the Kyrgyz Government $60 million annually to rent the enormous area...but to have a 'stan' as a friend is truly unique. The other 'stans' just aren't as nice. Earlier this week, US consulate was assaulted by a militia in PakiSTAN, killing scores. Last month, there was an anti-US rally in TajikiSTAN. And don't even get me started about BaluchiSTAN!

So why is this air base so important? If you look on a map, you'll notice the proximity of KyrgyzSTAN to AfghaniSTAN. Hence, an average of thirty sorties are flown daily between the two nations. (Think of Manas Air Force Base as the O'Hara 'hub' of wartime Central Asia.) So that's why the US and Kyrgyzstan have become such great friends: We have so much to offer each other!

But just when friendships bloom, sometimes they sour. And with friendly nations, the number one reason why allies part is the dreaded REGIME CHANGE. Last week, the capital of Bishkek was ravaged by riots, killing 75 people. All buildings of value were looted. President Bakiyev was forced to flee to the south. A rebel militia has claimed power, whose leader has claimed he will terminate the lease with the USA when it expires this June. What a bummer!

So the fate of the Manas (Cleverly named after the George Washington of Kyrgyzistan) Air Force lies in the hands of a rebel militia leader. The real question is: Will $60 million be enough to keep our new friend happy? Stay tuned!

April 6 DRUG WAR HURTS MEXICAN RESORTS

April 6

DRUG WAR HURTS MEXICAN RESORTS

Like March Madness, another treasured college tradition is to head south for SPRING BREAK and go absolutely bananas at a beach resort. First made popular in the '50's when Elvis and Doris Day went to Fort Lauderdale, students now go beyond Palm Springs and South Padre Island to resorts in Mexico as well.

Unfortunately, the only news items out of Mexico these days in involve horrid gang violence. In Cuidad Juarez alone, some 2,600 people were murdered last year, making it one of the world's most violent. In response, many universities have warned students not to cross the border at all this year. USC sent out the state department's e-mail warnings to all of its students. And while normally 100,000 students make the trip to Mexico each Spring, this year the figures are down.

All of which has the Mexican tourism officials (and the Corona brewery) very concerned. They launched a campaign called "Mexico: Time to go!" It attempts to show that the warnings ONLY apply to border towns, like Juarez, Nuevo Laredo and Tijuana. Meanwhile, they rank the safest resorts, with Cancun, Puerto Vallarta and Cabo on top. And, having visited two of these cities earlier this year, I saw no difference in public safety than before.

The biggest test came in a city not on the list of safe resorts: Acapulco. MTV had made plans to have their annual SPRING BREAK shows air from there. But, only a week before filming, a dozen people were killed in two days of violence. The Mexican Army gave MTV complete assurances everything would go smoothly, and judging from these photos, everything went as planned: PARTY ON WAYNE!!

It's nice to see that some Americans still have faith and visited our neighbor, who provides a great place to vacation at a great price. Let's just hope Americans will stop buying Mexican drugs and selling them American weapons!

March 22 JUST HOW MAD IS MARCH MADNESS?

March 22

JUST HOW MAD IS MARCH MADNESS?

It's that time! March Madness takes over the nation. The NBA and NHL must sit aside and jealoulsy watch as the NCAA takes over coveted TV ratings and media coverage. And, every March, people debate about the basketball tournement. Is the Madness a good thing or a bad thing? And no where else is the madness more contested than the dreaded OFFICE POOLS. Every March, new studies and articles abound about the pros and cons of this controversial matter.

It's the same articles every year. In 2010, the amount of 'unproductive wages' lost to workers doing March Madness Pools stands at a whopping $1.8 billion. It's estimated that 45% of corporate employees participate in some form of a pool. Many workers recieve scary e-mails about the evils of the pools. Most notable this year was one from the Department of Defence, where Major April Cunningham warned that pools are: "NOT AUTHORIZED OR PERMITTED."

And, every March, there are studies and articles in support of the pool. Most notable this year was one from Kansas State Univiersity. It determined that the pools "improve worker morale." It's hard to achieve a happy workplace, and the pools help employees do the elusive bonding that supervisors treasure. The KSU report referenced a Dallas painting manufacuturer who found that although work time was undoubtedly lost, employees checked on things even when 'not on the clock.' With texting and twits, workers remained in touch with each other at night during the games. Talk about Madness!

But nothing about MARCH MADNESS was more disturbing than a report by the ABC NEWS affiliate in Chicago. They interviewed local surgeons and found that vesectomy operations double during the month of March. Why? Because recovery from the procedure requires men to stay in bed, icing their testicles for a week. Now guys have a MEDICAL REASON for taking sick leave during the basketball tourney. The report also mentioned that a vesectomy is a reversable procedure, so you could do this every March.

NOW THAT'S MADNESS!!